So, I'm thinking that someone I defended in an argument recently may have knowingly lied to me before I took their back. Really, I'm not losing sleep over it because at this point I could care less, but its the principle behind it. I think by now we've all learned my views on lying, or stretching the truth, or trying to protect others or whatever you want to call it. The lesson for today: just don't lie and life will be much easier. The truth comes out anyway. That's how we find out its a lie.
Being home is kind of stressful. I don't think it should be, but it is. My family and I have some serious communication problems. Things are always taken out of context, stories twisted til they don't really resemble the original conversation, or it seems that things turn into a competition even if its not intended that way. I feel very out of place here most of the time. I don't have a whole lot to my life except work, Brian and his kids. I have a cat who doesn't say much. I don't have too many interesting hobbies. I'm not enthralled in living in Baltimore so I don't have interesting stories as to what I did last weekend. Last year we ended up having a heated argument amongst the family about me vs. them and how I come off as being "better" than them or too good and disrespectful. I, of course, disagree with all of it. I have a strong, sarcastic personality, I will give them that. But, I never feel that I'm too good to be visiting. Its been said I'm now a "city" girl. I live where I live because my dad made me go to school there. I didn't even want to go to University of Maryland, I wanted to go to Wilkes University to play basketball. I finally got up enough guts to tell him where I wanted to go and he wouldn't talk to me for days. After a while, I lied and told him I was okay with UMD because it was just easier for me. I stayed down there after meeting Marshall and by the time we divorced I already had my job so I wasn't about to up and leave that. I don't have a lot to offer to their conversations because I'm not into Harley's. Not because I'm too good for them. I'm just scared of them because I've seen plenty of people who have wrecked their bikes. I think they're interesting, but they are just not for me. Apparently, at that time, I caused anxiety to my entire family. I'm still not exactly sure how but I do. Its been almost year since that argument and I'm still not over it. I saw first hand how conversations I've had and relationships that I thought improved were not as I thought they really went/were.
Its very upsetting to me. I walk on eggshells now trying to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. I wonder if as soon as I walk away they start talking about me like they do other family members or as I've found out they've done in the past. I'm very accepting of my family and honestly supportive of their decisions no matter if I agree with them or not. I try to look at things from various perspectives and understand where they are coming from. I just don't feel its mutual. And the worst is that "feeling" doesn't make our "normal" problems any better. It just makes the tension worse. Anyone who knows me for any real length of time knows how much it upsets me. No matter how much I try to play off it doesn't matter, I know I'm really lying to myself. This is something that's coming up in my counseling. As my new counselor put it, I'm ready to deal and move on with my past. As for the here and now, I really can't wait for Brian and the kids to get here tomorrow. I really do miss them.
The good side of it is with all of this I'm not using food as a comfort. Today wasn't my greatest day but it wasn't my worst by any means. I'm really quite impressed at how well I've done so far. I even went out to supper tonight with my dad, sister and her fiance. And I didn't order pizza!
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