I'm not getting down on myself. I'm going to look at the good I've done since Sunday, but I just updated all my points online and I'm still overdoing it. I figure its got to be better than a normal day when I don't journal but really...it makes you sit back and think, "holy hell, when did I become such a fat ass?"

I looked like a straight up junky.

235am. A dark firehouse kitchen in MD. Me....searching every cabinet for a snack like a crackhead in an alley. It really was quite a ridiculous scene this morning, but I was so "hungry" I did what I had to do. Thankfully, I suppose, I found nothing except 6 loaves of bread. I'm not sure why we have so much bread, but it did me no good. I wasn't hungry enough just to eat bread which leads me to believe I wasn't hungry. I couldn't even find a carry out jelly packet to slab on there. My other saving grace from a early morning binge? I forgot my wallet at home. No money, no food. I survived. I hated every minute of it, but I survived.

I had a sit down with my crew. Ok, it really was a 30 second stand up conversation with my shift letting them know I wasn't being rude by not joining them in the kitchen for their eggs, toast, bacon (mmmm.....bacon), and potatoes yesterday morning but it was me trying to stay on track. I expected to get dumb guy responses but what did I get as a reply? "Good for you," and, "good if you can beat temptation with firehouse food," as well as a few others. Wow. Not at all what I was expecting. I was pleasantly surprised. I swear to God the devil tried pulling me by the ears into that kitchen making me a plate himself, but I kept my butt planted in my office at the computer. I'm not going to lie. Later in the afternoon I did steal a piece of the bacon and put it on my turkey wrap and my was it delicious. But, had I plopped down at the table for breakfast anything I worked for over the past two or three days would have been undone in a matter of minutes.

That is what is so frustrating to me about WW or weight loss in general. It so hard to work at it and if you give yourself even a little slack its all over. Maybe not for everyone, but for me. I've had plans to go to this wine place tonight for weeks. I swear I've been stressed about it for three days with the fear I'm going to overdo it. My plan is not to and I'm working on eating what I have to at home so I don't give in to junk, but I still have that nervous little flutter in my belly about it. Well, its either that or I've got butterflies because I'm going out with Kim tonight. I'll go with the stressed part. Ha.

Progress?

Maybe. Self-control? Definitely.

This afternoon I received some information that pissed me off to the top level of pissitivy. (New word, use it in a sentence at least once tomorrow....) I mean so pissed off I had tears in my eyes and was looking to break something. I met Brian at work to vent about it (NO, Brian is not involved in it) and on my way home I wanted to stop at every fast food place I could. But I didn't. I didn't!! I made a deal with myself. I told myself I would wait to get to Weis near my house and I'd run in and get some dog food for Remi. If they had a slice of pizza made, I would get one slice. I left the store with one slice. ONE slice. And the world didn't end! Imagine that....

Mean ol' witch

I was one of those mean neighbors last night who left their porch light off. No candy for you! Really, no candy for me! If I didn't buy it there was no way for there to be leftovers. The kids weren't here to trick or treat so there could be no possible way for me to nibble on candy if there was none in the house. (Although I did see a whoopie cushion walking down the street and wanted to get my picture taken with it....)

What did I do for the evening? Of course, I had the lights turned off so I hung out in the basement with the cats and did about 45 minutes of Wii Fit plus. I sweat my ass off. My shirt honestly was soaked through. Wii said I only burned 50-some calories, but I call bullshit on that. It doesn't matter...I had a blast. I played tennis and bowled, did ten minutes of step (the more advanced one), tried baseball but didn't like it, then did ten minutes of the free step which I loved. The goal was to complete 800 steps in ten minutes, but I went a little faster and did 997. Brian was working so after I showered I went to the neighbors Halloween party. Any calories I burned were replenished there with some drinks, but the way I see it, I consumed less calories than if I didn't work out at all.

I'm glad I worked out yesterday and I'm doing well today. I put some thought into my lunch this afternoon which I normally don't do. Normally I find whatever is the fastest thing to make because I'm "starving." I scarf it down when I realize that wasn't what I wanted to eat. I snoop (and taste) around for the next ten minutes til I find what I want, make and eat it, only to be so stuffed and uncomfortable ten minutes after that, I'm ready to explode. And, needless to say, I'm upset with myself. Trying to break that trend, I thought before I ate and made a chicken parm sandwich. It was super easy to make with breaded Perdue baked chicken cutlets. That, a little sauce and mozzarella from the fridge, a roll....delicious, filling, and has left me with with no desire to search for something else better to eat.

I've got chicken thawing and I'm on a search for some new WW recipes to try. I find it is so hard to find good recipes. I'll google it, but never seem to come up with any good websites. Oh well. I'll come up with something.

I was reminded at work yesterday our cruise is only 2 1/2 months away. It will be so much fun, but I should really be try to work on some good habits before I get there. If I think Brian is peer pressure on a cruise, wait til I get with 40-50 people!

New cars

Brian and both got new cars today.

Instead of having three cars between the two of us and car payments going towards cars with over 105K miles on them, we decided to consolidate: sell or trade in my Honda as well as his Pontiac, and purchase a new car. Brian recently got a part time job as a fire investigator so his Pontiac wasn't exactly practical to carry around his tools and what have you for the position. So, he decided the Pathfinder would be perfect for him. We weren't planning on buying a car today, just because we didn't know exactly what vehicle we wanted. We went to Carmax to sell my Honda and ended up coming home with a 2007 Mazda CX7 Grand Touring. We love it. Its AWD which we wanted for the snow we'll be getting at the new place. Its super comfy inside---leather heated seats and plenty of room for my purposes. The mileage is better than the Pathfinder. With Brian's new job, he'll be getting paid for his mileage so that will help with fuel costs. Plus we like the way it looks. Its used, obviously. I don't see the point in buying a new car. It only has a little over 16K miles on it, so it should last quite a while. Most importantly its going to save us money. I know overall we'll be paying money because we have a car note, but between what I was paying and what he was paying this car note will be $200-300 a month less. Plus, since there is a warranty on it, we won't have to dump money into it like we already were with the Honda and Pontiac. All we have to do now is sell the Pontiac which should happen next week and we're all set.

Here is a site that will show you what the car looks like and its review/specs. The car is Chrystal Pearl White.

Brian's on board too

Well, Brian's on board with this lose weight thing. He received new long sleeve uniform shirts for work the other day and said they were a little snug. Instead of spending more $$ buying new stuff, he said he'll try losing a few pounds. I hope that helps. I mean I hope his shirt will be more comfortable but I also hope it helps me be good instead of giving in to temptation.

Tiny problem

I'm a bit stressed and frustrated and would love to do a happy hour with Brian. Problem? Day two of WW journaling. Sucks utilizing those flex points so early in the week, if needed.

BTW, anyone know the points value of egg and cheese bagel from McDonald's? I can't find it on WW's or McDonald's site.

This is why I QUIT WW everytime....

I'm having a super duper want to eat everything in the kitchen moment and I'm trying to type my way through it. This is horrible. This is my first day actually trying on WW because I lied nothing really panned out last week with it. I ate shit for the last 2 days and the trainer guy from work finds me everyday and wants to know how things are going. Ummmm, how do I say "exactly the same as yesterday" in a more positive "look I'm doing stuff but I'm really lying I'm still eating crap" way? What? Pizza. I love pizza you know. It is past lunch time and thats my problem, I think I waited too long. Now I've near ravenous.

My little Curly-Q

Laura's baby Onyella. I wish we were closer so I could see her in person!! The hair is way too cute.....definitely looks like her daddy.

No wonder I haven't been losing....

logged in my food for today so far. I have 0.5 left for today. Supper should be delicious!! :) lmao.