Saturday, July 24, 2010

Pennsylvania or Kansas?

They say if it rains on your wedding day its good luck. So what does it mean when there is a tornado?

I was running late getting to Laura's house but figured I would be there by 715. I took the most direct route to her house only to find the road was closed because if downed trees. I took another road to find that was closed too. I ended up having to backtrack and take myself a half hour in the other direction to get to where I wanted to be only to find out a tornado ripped through the area. I got to Laura's and found chairs piled up in the front lawn. People were driving away. Apparently, the storm ripped down the tent just as they were putting the finishing touches to the tables. They married in Laura's living room, which I missed. The reception was moved to a local restaurant. The food was delicious-and I did well. Half my plate was cucumber salad and lettuce salad and the rest was ziti and some lasagna stuff. I did have three Mrs Ts pierogies too and four mini meatballs. I had no cake but did have two small Hershey kiss cookies.

So its been more of an adventure than I planned on. I'm back at the hotel now to find I forgot something to sleep in. I have HUGE issues with sleeping in beds other than mine so I'm usually dressed head to toe when I stay somewhere. There is no way I'm sleeping naked so I sporting the dress I wore to the wedding with white socks. Sexy, I tell you. No wonder Brian wants to marry me. With this get up he surely doesn't have to worry about someone knocking down my door. LOL.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Heat Wave

God, I hope it feels cooler in PA than it is supposed to feel here today. 105 with the humidity? Ugh. I hate DC summers. I don't mind the heat, but lose the damn humidity!

Going to a Wedding

I went back and forth trying to decide if I should go to PA today or not. The two concerns holding me back are running into my family and my eating once I get there. The family issue is pretty self-explanatory. The food---well read back to my older posts and you'll see after most of my PA trips I come back like happy as a glutenous pig in lard.

This trip isn't about me. Its about a wedding and the friend who's getting married. Sooner or later, I have to go home again, with or without Brian. "I CAN do this," I thought last night. I just have to make better decisions to do so successfully.

1. I found a Holiday Inn Express about 40 minutes away for $70. I could stay at Laura's house, but I figure if I do it will exponentially increase the chance of me eating too much. Leftovers will be there and I remember how much I ate when her wedding was at her house. I can't afford to do that now. There won't be any issues with where I stayed. My family won't even know I was in town. Plus, by staying in the hotel I will already be 45 minutes into my trip back home Saturday. The hotel is not near a restaurant so I can't drop in for a late night snack nor a nasty breakfast in the morning.

2. I'm bringing my Coleman. Yep, my cooler. I'm going to pack my lunch/snack for the ride up. I'll bring breakfast for the morning and maybe even a lunch for the ride back as well.

My only concern is the wedding buffet tonight. I told you I have had successful days and not so good nights. Its seems like every night since Monday, I've had some sort of schedule issue throwing me off balance. I have been trying to eat before I go somewhere to help me NOT eat more once I get there but that kinda blows up in my face.

My goals:

1. Exercise. Today and tomorrow. I may not get to Planet Fitness today before I leave but I think I could get a few minutes on some sort of cardio machine at the hotel before I go to the wedding. Maybe I'll even dance. LOL Probably not. I'll carry Onyella around or something.

2. Watch the food. Think before I eat. Don't get overstimulated by PA food. And, I gotta watch what I eat prior to leaving. I have to allow myself some extra points for tonight. I can't get to the wedding thinking I'm really only going to eat 6 points worth of food. That's unrealistic.

I'm a little embarrassed to go to the wedding, honestly. I don't know if anyone even pays attention to me, but I feel like all eyes are on me -- "OMG look how big she got." I'm really struggling with what to wear.

I can't hide anymore. I have to get out there and be a big girl (no pun intended) and act like an adult. I hate when people don't hold themselves accountable for their own actions. I've learned I hate myself for not doing the same. Its time I started and I can't do it by hiding inside.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Are You Ready to Work?

Counseling is getting harder. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but in fact, the complete opposite is true. I guess the first few sessions were just informational with a few suggestions thrown in. Maybe today was different because Brian was there. I don't know what it is but I know half way through I wanted to walk out--not because I didn't want to be there but because it got uncomfortable. I'm all about working out my problems. I want to go forward with Zoe's suggestions but its hard to undo everything you've done for a lifetime. At times it seems impossible to change but I really think the truth is it is possible change. An individual has to has to want to do it and work at it.

Zoe's a bit different than other counselor I've been to. She has a very nice way to be blunt. She doesn't sugar coat anything. She sees things for face value and not through rose colored glasses. She was pretty straightforward. We, as a couple and as individuals, know exactly what we need to improve any situation. Its up to us to make the decision if we are willing to do the hard work needed to meet that goal and then achieve it. I think that is probably a true statement towards most everything in life.

I made the decision to do some work.
You know what is better than finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your coat from last season? Remembering the savings account (with $$ in it) you forgot all about. So grateful to be less stressed.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


My best friend's sister is having a last minute wedding on Friday night. (Long story as to why, not getting into it here...) I was invited to come and whole-heartedly want to. However, Brian can't come with as he will be working. I thought my parents were going to be out of town on a business trip to San Antonio, but I've since found out they return Friday. I was hoping to stay at their house since no one was going to be there.

Here inlies the issue: If I go home and stay there, I'm going to HATE every minute of it and I won't have anyone to bounce things off of since Brian won't be with me.

If I stay at Laura's house I'll hear a bunch of crap about how I stayed there and not at my parents.

I could do a hotel and my family would be none the wiser. No one knows she's getting married. I just haven't done this before so even though its awkward for me if I were to stay at my parents or Laura's, its just as awkward to stay at a hotel. The only problem then is that we're trying to save some money -- which driving to and from PA and getting a hotel kind of defeats.

I'm half ready to just send my regards, but I don't want to live my life avoiding my family either. Its just the first time I've had to deal with this since voicing my opinions to everyone.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make adult decisions.

I want to delete everything after 6pm.

New problem: Supper Time.

Ugh, if I'm not eating between 530-600p, I'm a mess. Yesterday my schedule was all messed up because I met friends at Melting Pot for D's "pre-chemo girls night out." I have to say, I was hesitant to go for a number of reasons. It was going to screw up my sleep schedule that I've be vigiliant about sticking to the night before work. In addition, I wouldn't eat supper until closer to 8pm. Both things happened. I didn't even get home til after 11pm and got in bed around midnight. My food got screwed up because of the late eating. I don't think it would have been that bad if we skipped dessert, but I guess what is the point in going to Melting Pot if you aren't going to eat dessert. Secondly, I toyed with the thought of not going to help me out. The more I thought of it, though, if God forbid something should happen to D, I'd NEVER forgive myself for not taking the opportunity to go out with her. So I decided I could inconvenience my life for her because Lord knows her entire life is about to be inconvienced. She is 27 and will be getting a masectomy the first week in August. After that, she will begin chemo. She said her hair will start to fall out between 7-10 days after she begins treatment.

Today I'm at work. I have this wonderful cooler filled with goodies and I stuck to eating what was inside for lunch and breakfast. I didn't bring it with me this afternoon on the medic unit assuming I'd be back around suppertime so I'd be fine. Well, at 545p, we're still sitting at the shop getting our AC fixed. Add the fact that I was tired and that made for a bad combination. Instead of eating the meatloaf and mashed potatoes I brought, I ended up next door at the local BBQ place eating pork BBQ sandwich (minus the bun), a little thingy of cole slaw, a few forkfuls (I really don't know how much but I know I threw most of it away) of mac and cheese and maybe 6 steak fries. I was so angry with myself after. Granted, I did tell Brian I didn't really want my supper -- I didn't plan it out well because I had a leftover burger for lunch and meatloaf is so similar....but still, thats no excuse.

As for tomorrow's events? Counseling bright and early. And Brian's coming with....

Monday, July 19, 2010

Planet Fitness

Loved it. I had such a good time there. Its like its a quick workout. Its not, but I think because everything is so spaced out and theres not a lot of people it isn't stressful. It doesn't feel like you are waiting for someone else to finish on a machine or anything. I had a serious case of boob sweat going on so I definitely did a good workout. Its been about three hours and the ache is starting to set in. Its a good ache though. I'm looking forward to going back. I just have to remember to bring the headphones next time There are TVs on the cardio machines. I'm not a good lip reader.

Hesitant and fearful

I write this post with hesitancy because I've written it so many times before. This time, however, I feel I am truly in the right frame of mind, have the support that is needed, and have the want to succeed. The past month has been a crazy learning experience with a lot of soul searching thrown in. I've learned to face demons I have pushed aside for 10-15 years. I've made decisions that were uncomfortable but nonetheless much needed. I still have HUGE challenges ahead of me, but I'm growing more and more confident in my ability to make the right decision and stand up for myself in the process. I've learned to not use food as a crutch but as the energy for which it is intended.

I still have bad days where I fall into the "easy" trap. While I've come a long way in scheduling when I can and can't eat, eating tired is still an obstacle for me. But it is something I will learn to deal with...I just didn't learn how yet in four weeks.

So, with my hesitancy and fear of failure, I am getting back on track. I'm going to start journaling my food so I'm aware of what I'm eating during my meals. I'm joining Planet Fitness this afternoon. For those of you not familiar, its a no frills no fuss gym, costing just $10 a month with no contract (SO fits in our tight budget) but gives me everything I need. Its big in my hometown area and I haven't met a single person who dislikes it. My home gym has 80 cardio machines, a bunch of weights, a free weight area with weights from 5-65 pounds (keeping the body builder intimidating type away) and a circuit area, similar to what Curves has to offer for a 30 minute workout. Its open 24 hours so when I get my 2am bursts of energy, I can go to the gym. Plus, they offer a weight lifting class for free where members work with a trainer in teams of four. I don't know if I'll take advantage of that right off the bat, but it is something I may consider once my confidence grows a little bit more.

I'm totally fearful of failing as I've done so many times in the past. I'm optimistic however that this time IS different. I'm not planning on doing anything as a quick fix or an attempt at a quick fix. This is a life time journey and I know its not going to happen overnight.

I have no big goal, other than to become healthy and lighter. I'll know I've reached my goal once I get there. And I'm sure along the way my goals will change.

My first goal? It was not to gain weight for a month.

Check it off the list. This past month was the first time in two years where I have not gained weight within that month.

My next goal?

October 3, 2010 is my wedding day. That's 11 weeks away. I want to not be embarrassed to look at my wedding pictures. While I may not be the size 10-12 I was at my first wedding, I want to be a little bit toned and happy looking. I'm not going to associate a size dress or pounds lost with that goal. Its going to be what it is, but I know I'm going to work my butt off to get there.

Everything will fall into place. I just have to keep reminding myself that and stay positive. Negativity is my evil.

Friday, July 16, 2010

that was a first

Woken up by a 3.7 magnitude earthquake a little after 5am today. That was weird. I'm ok if I never feel one stronger in my lifetime.