Saturday, July 24, 2010

Pennsylvania or Kansas?

They say if it rains on your wedding day its good luck. So what does it mean when there is a tornado?

I was running late getting to Laura's house but figured I would be there by 715. I took the most direct route to her house only to find the road was closed because if downed trees. I took another road to find that was closed too. I ended up having to backtrack and take myself a half hour in the other direction to get to where I wanted to be only to find out a tornado ripped through the area. I got to Laura's and found chairs piled up in the front lawn. People were driving away. Apparently, the storm ripped down the tent just as they were putting the finishing touches to the tables. They married in Laura's living room, which I missed. The reception was moved to a local restaurant. The food was delicious-and I did well. Half my plate was cucumber salad and lettuce salad and the rest was ziti and some lasagna stuff. I did have three Mrs Ts pierogies too and four mini meatballs. I had no cake but did have two small Hershey kiss cookies.

So its been more of an adventure than I planned on. I'm back at the hotel now to find I forgot something to sleep in. I have HUGE issues with sleeping in beds other than mine so I'm usually dressed head to toe when I stay somewhere. There is no way I'm sleeping naked so I sporting the dress I wore to the wedding with white socks. Sexy, I tell you. No wonder Brian wants to marry me. With this get up he surely doesn't have to worry about someone knocking down my door. LOL.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Heat Wave

God, I hope it feels cooler in PA than it is supposed to feel here today. 105 with the humidity? Ugh. I hate DC summers. I don't mind the heat, but lose the damn humidity!

Going to a Wedding

I went back and forth trying to decide if I should go to PA today or not. The two concerns holding me back are running into my family and my eating once I get there. The family issue is pretty self-explanatory. The food---well read back to my older posts and you'll see after most of my PA trips I come back like happy as a glutenous pig in lard.

This trip isn't about me. Its about a wedding and the friend who's getting married. Sooner or later, I have to go home again, with or without Brian. "I CAN do this," I thought last night. I just have to make better decisions to do so successfully.

1. I found a Holiday Inn Express about 40 minutes away for $70. I could stay at Laura's house, but I figure if I do it will exponentially increase the chance of me eating too much. Leftovers will be there and I remember how much I ate when her wedding was at her house. I can't afford to do that now. There won't be any issues with where I stayed. My family won't even know I was in town. Plus, by staying in the hotel I will already be 45 minutes into my trip back home Saturday. The hotel is not near a restaurant so I can't drop in for a late night snack nor a nasty breakfast in the morning.

2. I'm bringing my Coleman. Yep, my cooler. I'm going to pack my lunch/snack for the ride up. I'll bring breakfast for the morning and maybe even a lunch for the ride back as well.

My only concern is the wedding buffet tonight. I told you I have had successful days and not so good nights. Its seems like every night since Monday, I've had some sort of schedule issue throwing me off balance. I have been trying to eat before I go somewhere to help me NOT eat more once I get there but that kinda blows up in my face.

My goals:

1. Exercise. Today and tomorrow. I may not get to Planet Fitness today before I leave but I think I could get a few minutes on some sort of cardio machine at the hotel before I go to the wedding. Maybe I'll even dance. LOL Probably not. I'll carry Onyella around or something.

2. Watch the food. Think before I eat. Don't get overstimulated by PA food. And, I gotta watch what I eat prior to leaving. I have to allow myself some extra points for tonight. I can't get to the wedding thinking I'm really only going to eat 6 points worth of food. That's unrealistic.

I'm a little embarrassed to go to the wedding, honestly. I don't know if anyone even pays attention to me, but I feel like all eyes are on me -- "OMG look how big she got." I'm really struggling with what to wear.

I can't hide anymore. I have to get out there and be a big girl (no pun intended) and act like an adult. I hate when people don't hold themselves accountable for their own actions. I've learned I hate myself for not doing the same. Its time I started and I can't do it by hiding inside.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Are You Ready to Work?

Counseling is getting harder. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but in fact, the complete opposite is true. I guess the first few sessions were just informational with a few suggestions thrown in. Maybe today was different because Brian was there. I don't know what it is but I know half way through I wanted to walk out--not because I didn't want to be there but because it got uncomfortable. I'm all about working out my problems. I want to go forward with Zoe's suggestions but its hard to undo everything you've done for a lifetime. At times it seems impossible to change but I really think the truth is it is possible change. An individual has to has to want to do it and work at it.

Zoe's a bit different than other counselor I've been to. She has a very nice way to be blunt. She doesn't sugar coat anything. She sees things for face value and not through rose colored glasses. She was pretty straightforward. We, as a couple and as individuals, know exactly what we need to improve any situation. Its up to us to make the decision if we are willing to do the hard work needed to meet that goal and then achieve it. I think that is probably a true statement towards most everything in life.

I made the decision to do some work.
You know what is better than finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your coat from last season? Remembering the savings account (with $$ in it) you forgot all about. So grateful to be less stressed.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


My best friend's sister is having a last minute wedding on Friday night. (Long story as to why, not getting into it here...) I was invited to come and whole-heartedly want to. However, Brian can't come with as he will be working. I thought my parents were going to be out of town on a business trip to San Antonio, but I've since found out they return Friday. I was hoping to stay at their house since no one was going to be there.

Here inlies the issue: If I go home and stay there, I'm going to HATE every minute of it and I won't have anyone to bounce things off of since Brian won't be with me.

If I stay at Laura's house I'll hear a bunch of crap about how I stayed there and not at my parents.

I could do a hotel and my family would be none the wiser. No one knows she's getting married. I just haven't done this before so even though its awkward for me if I were to stay at my parents or Laura's, its just as awkward to stay at a hotel. The only problem then is that we're trying to save some money -- which driving to and from PA and getting a hotel kind of defeats.

I'm half ready to just send my regards, but I don't want to live my life avoiding my family either. Its just the first time I've had to deal with this since voicing my opinions to everyone.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make adult decisions.

I want to delete everything after 6pm.

New problem: Supper Time.

Ugh, if I'm not eating between 530-600p, I'm a mess. Yesterday my schedule was all messed up because I met friends at Melting Pot for D's "pre-chemo girls night out." I have to say, I was hesitant to go for a number of reasons. It was going to screw up my sleep schedule that I've be vigiliant about sticking to the night before work. In addition, I wouldn't eat supper until closer to 8pm. Both things happened. I didn't even get home til after 11pm and got in bed around midnight. My food got screwed up because of the late eating. I don't think it would have been that bad if we skipped dessert, but I guess what is the point in going to Melting Pot if you aren't going to eat dessert. Secondly, I toyed with the thought of not going to help me out. The more I thought of it, though, if God forbid something should happen to D, I'd NEVER forgive myself for not taking the opportunity to go out with her. So I decided I could inconvenience my life for her because Lord knows her entire life is about to be inconvienced. She is 27 and will be getting a masectomy the first week in August. After that, she will begin chemo. She said her hair will start to fall out between 7-10 days after she begins treatment.

Today I'm at work. I have this wonderful cooler filled with goodies and I stuck to eating what was inside for lunch and breakfast. I didn't bring it with me this afternoon on the medic unit assuming I'd be back around suppertime so I'd be fine. Well, at 545p, we're still sitting at the shop getting our AC fixed. Add the fact that I was tired and that made for a bad combination. Instead of eating the meatloaf and mashed potatoes I brought, I ended up next door at the local BBQ place eating pork BBQ sandwich (minus the bun), a little thingy of cole slaw, a few forkfuls (I really don't know how much but I know I threw most of it away) of mac and cheese and maybe 6 steak fries. I was so angry with myself after. Granted, I did tell Brian I didn't really want my supper -- I didn't plan it out well because I had a leftover burger for lunch and meatloaf is so similar....but still, thats no excuse.

As for tomorrow's events? Counseling bright and early. And Brian's coming with....

Monday, July 19, 2010

Planet Fitness

Loved it. I had such a good time there. Its like its a quick workout. Its not, but I think because everything is so spaced out and theres not a lot of people it isn't stressful. It doesn't feel like you are waiting for someone else to finish on a machine or anything. I had a serious case of boob sweat going on so I definitely did a good workout. Its been about three hours and the ache is starting to set in. Its a good ache though. I'm looking forward to going back. I just have to remember to bring the headphones next time There are TVs on the cardio machines. I'm not a good lip reader.

Hesitant and fearful

I write this post with hesitancy because I've written it so many times before. This time, however, I feel I am truly in the right frame of mind, have the support that is needed, and have the want to succeed. The past month has been a crazy learning experience with a lot of soul searching thrown in. I've learned to face demons I have pushed aside for 10-15 years. I've made decisions that were uncomfortable but nonetheless much needed. I still have HUGE challenges ahead of me, but I'm growing more and more confident in my ability to make the right decision and stand up for myself in the process. I've learned to not use food as a crutch but as the energy for which it is intended.

I still have bad days where I fall into the "easy" trap. While I've come a long way in scheduling when I can and can't eat, eating tired is still an obstacle for me. But it is something I will learn to deal with...I just didn't learn how yet in four weeks.

So, with my hesitancy and fear of failure, I am getting back on track. I'm going to start journaling my food so I'm aware of what I'm eating during my meals. I'm joining Planet Fitness this afternoon. For those of you not familiar, its a no frills no fuss gym, costing just $10 a month with no contract (SO fits in our tight budget) but gives me everything I need. Its big in my hometown area and I haven't met a single person who dislikes it. My home gym has 80 cardio machines, a bunch of weights, a free weight area with weights from 5-65 pounds (keeping the body builder intimidating type away) and a circuit area, similar to what Curves has to offer for a 30 minute workout. Its open 24 hours so when I get my 2am bursts of energy, I can go to the gym. Plus, they offer a weight lifting class for free where members work with a trainer in teams of four. I don't know if I'll take advantage of that right off the bat, but it is something I may consider once my confidence grows a little bit more.

I'm totally fearful of failing as I've done so many times in the past. I'm optimistic however that this time IS different. I'm not planning on doing anything as a quick fix or an attempt at a quick fix. This is a life time journey and I know its not going to happen overnight.

I have no big goal, other than to become healthy and lighter. I'll know I've reached my goal once I get there. And I'm sure along the way my goals will change.

My first goal? It was not to gain weight for a month.

Check it off the list. This past month was the first time in two years where I have not gained weight within that month.

My next goal?

October 3, 2010 is my wedding day. That's 11 weeks away. I want to not be embarrassed to look at my wedding pictures. While I may not be the size 10-12 I was at my first wedding, I want to be a little bit toned and happy looking. I'm not going to associate a size dress or pounds lost with that goal. Its going to be what it is, but I know I'm going to work my butt off to get there.

Everything will fall into place. I just have to keep reminding myself that and stay positive. Negativity is my evil.

Friday, July 16, 2010

that was a first

Woken up by a 3.7 magnitude earthquake a little after 5am today. That was weird. I'm ok if I never feel one stronger in my lifetime.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I now pronounce you....

I think we found someone to marry us. He sounds like he'll do it but he just has to review a few more things before making the final decision. Soooo, it might be a little premature, but I'm super duper excited so I'm going to say it anyway....

I've asked my old partner, Mike, to become an ordained minister and marry us. He's got the BEST personality in the world. He can make anything funny without trying. I was at work complaining to co-workers about how expensive it is to find someone to marry us. Like $300-500 for a 10 minute ceremony. We've both been married. We've both been divorced. We both don't really practice our religion. We're both probably going to hell for all of it. So, we figured we'd just have a civil ceremony to make it official.

This one girl started talking about her wedding and said this guy we work with married them. I was shocked because I didn't know he could do that. She gave me information about how to become an ordained minister and it was 100% legal and you can pick who you want to marry you. I told Brian the story, without mentioning Mike's name, and his immediate response was Mike's name.

I talked to him today and it sounds like he'll do it. He said he's a little nervous about the actual ceremony part but if we could figure out what we wanted he'd probably do it. He said he'll give me his 100% answer in a few days. OMG, it will be the perfect wedding if he can marry us. I'm sure it will piss someone off but thats definitely okay in my book. He's worth it.

Seriously? How bad could bad news be?

There's this girl, D, I know from years ago while I was in college. We weren't exactly friends at the time but we hung out in the same circle. Actually she's one of those people I look at now, about ten years later, and wonder, "how are we still in contact with each other?" I guess its because we have mutual friends. I don't know all of the details of her life but she was always encapsulated by a drama bubble. There was always something going on.

Anyway, with Facebook, we stayed in contact with each other but I have to say it's a weird relationship. Like a weird online dating relationship. LOL. She and I could message each other back all day long about everything under the sun, but if you were to put us in a room together it would probably be super awkward and we'd have nothing to talk about. But, I saw her grow up over the years. She's got two sons by two different fathers. I saw her marry and divorce. She grew up and got her shit together and get a job to support herself while going to school. I'm a few years older than her and I guess I always looked at her like she had a lot to offer but didn't take advantage of it--she got sucked up into her environment. I guess I felt kinda like mini-mom to her. Not that she came to me for a lot but I always had encouraging, "there-there," words for her and just hoped she'd get herself together.

A few weeks ago I got a message from her saying she got a job at a hospital near my house and was looking to move in the area. She said she and her sort of boyfriend (baby daddy) were splitting up and they were both going to have separate apartments in the same general location. I recommended a few places and a few days later she wrote back saying she found a spot and we'd meet up. She told me she was starting nursing school and I can honestly say I was quite proud of her. She wasn't taking the easy way out---she was doing what she had to do for her sons.

A few days later, I was out with my bridesmaid, Melissa (a mutual friend), and Melissa received a text saying they (Melissa & her husband and this girl and her boyfriend) had to meet up to talk about something important. D wouldn't say what the issue was---Melissa poked and proded but D wouldn't budge. The only thing we knew (and I don't know D knew I was with Melissa) was that she wasn't pregnant and wasn't getting married. A few hours into our day we decided whatever it was--it couldn't be that bad.

That was until we found out what it was. Melissa and her husband met D and her BF. I didn't know the meeting occurred--not that I really needed to be in the know. At that poing, I was more nosey than anything. Anyway, a day later I received a FB message from D that said something along the lines of, "I hate to give you bad news first thing in the morning, but I'm not moving by you. I found out the other day I have breast cancer so XX and I are staying together for now while I start chemo. We're going to rent a townhouse by the hospital where my treatments will be."

Holy shit. Are you effing kidding me? I'm 29 and she's probably 27, maybe younger. She told me she went from she and her baby daddy signing separate leases on apartments, quitting one job and starting another, getting accepted into nursing school and finding out she had breast cancer within 7 days or something crazy like that.

I don't know tons about breast cancer so anything she says is news to me. I did find out its Stage II and they are debating whether she should have a masectomy first, then chemo, or vice versa. Hell, at her age she should be worry about finding a babysitter for her kids so she can have a night out or something, not worry about if she should get her boobs chopped off now or later.

Last night, I got an evite from her to have a "pre-chemo" girls night out at the Melting Pot. Isn't it sad it takes someone having a deadly disease before we can decide to be adults and do something fun like that? It brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

So, any extra prayers can be sent her way. I'm calling her D because I don't know who reads this blog and who knows her and if she's told everyone she wants to. But I'm sure if you talk to God and say you're giving a prayer for D he'll know where to send it.

Oh, and her son's 3rd birthday is today. Her other son is 6 or 7.

I think its been almost a month update.

This is my official update with absolutely nothing official to say. I'm still doing well in the binging department. I mean I'm not binging---maybe once a week. And even so, they are getting shorter with less food.

My body feels better. I "feel" like I'm getting smaller, although I stepped on the scale for the first time in a while and I'm at 232. I was a little bummed, but then I got over it. Its been an interesting few weeks. I went from eating nonstop and gaining just as fast to cutting out nearly all binging and taking accountability for myself. I'm feeling better about my body but I think thats more of a mental thing that I think is physical, but really isn't. That doesn't make sense, maybe. I think I'm finally looking at myself in a not so negative light and accepting me for who I am right here, right now. I know I have plenty of work to do, but I'm doing it the right way now and its going to take time.

Along the "me" lines, I can see other improvements. Like I decided to finally color my hair last night before I went to work. I was the type of person that needed to have my hair color if there was only 1/4" of roots showing. Yep, me in my wanna be white trashiness went about five months without hair coloring. Yeeeaah. Attractive baby. Add that to a hair cut that was growing out and I can see why all the guys flocked to me. LOL. I also find I'm getting dressed more. Not that I roll out of my house naked but I would spend a lot of time in PJs. Now I'm wearing real clothes again and do my hair and put make up on. I think one of the best things I ever did was empty out my closet. There were no reminders of clothes I used to fit into. That cut out a huge emotional stressor for me.

Speaking of wedding dress arrived today. All $45 of it! :) Its just a simple white dress which they only had a size 22W left. I bought it. I'm going to get it altered to fit perfectly. Plus, I'll feel good knowing I had to get a dress downsized, even if its because I bought it way too big.

Therapy is going well. Next week I'm bringing Brian along with me. Zoe thought it would help me if he was able to hear her opinion about me and my needs if they came from her. She also wants to look at us as a couple---not because something bad has happened, but to give us tips/tricks to avoid conflict now and in the future. If therapy wasn't so much damn money I'd tell every couple they should go. Lord knows everyone's got something to work on. And, Zoe thinks theres a few things that Brian can learn about himself---stuff from his childhood/past that made him who he is today. Its no secret that he's made some interesting choices in his lifetime. She feels she can pinpoint how he got to those decisions and help ensure he doesn't repeat the things he shouldn't be repeating again. So, she's like my all-in-one life coach. She's going to fix me, Brian, and us as a couple. She's going to fix our finances and thinking about money. She's going to teach us to look at each others as equals and not have a constant power struggle -- or a parent/child relationship. She seems to have a lot planned. I'm actually very much looking forward to going with Brian to see her. I don't know if it will help Brian, but just him being there will help me.

So, now where do I stand? Now that I've got my eating habits a little more under control I'm going to focus more on what I eat. Initially I wanted to work on a schedule and getting used to the full feeling. I feel pretty comfortable with it all now. I know on a normal day I have to eat breakfast (time varies depending on what time I get up), lunch between noon and 1pm, supper between 5-530 and a little snack before I go to bed. I'm not hungry in between those times so I haven't been snacking. And if I feel the urge to eat I've been eating pineapple or pears.

My SIL started a new blog in which she posts recipes she's made recently. Its motivated me to try some of the stuff she posts as well as try some recipes I have laying around. I'm also on a quest to limit my eating out. One meal a shift at work if ABSOLUTELY needed---like two shifts ago I brought catfish for lunch. I had it in my lunchbag but I got stuck on a fire for two hours and missed lunch. By the time I got back to the car and got to a firehouse for lunch it was quite apparent that catfish and 104 degrees and 110% humidity, even with an ice pack, did not mesh. So, I let myself get something to eat. Brian and I have cut out all eating out on our days off with the exception of one night every week or two where we will have a date night. And even then, we're going to pick a place that we can get a discount from our Entertainment Book or something. It saves $ and forces us to try new places.

The other thing I'm trying to do, and I can't remember if I posted this already somewhere else, but I'm trying to order entrees instead of sandwiches. I'm notorius for ordering a sandwich and fries. I figure if I get an entree it will cut out some of the carbs from breads/rolls. Plus I typically won't order fries as a side with an entree sandwich, no fries, no extra lard for Sarah's ass.

I feel very on track. I think I'm finally handling this in a successful way. Its been a month now, I guess and I can tell changes. In the past I'd be pissed if I didn't drop 10 pounds and even more pissed when I found out I gained an additional 10. Now, I'm just happy being happier. The rest will fall into place.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What a Waste

I'm at the point now where I know what full feels like. I know if I eat even a little bit more I will be at the point of overfull. I know that I physically do not need anymore more food. Here's my new problem, if you want to call it that.

Let's take tonights supper, for example, shall we? I went to Jason's Deli for supper. I ordered a Philly Wrap (chicken, provolone, onions, low fat honey mustard on wheat wrap). I got steamed veggies as a side. WHAT A FREAKIN' WASTE OF MONEY, FOOD, and TIME!! It was gross. The wrap was not good. The veggies---ugh. NO flavor whatsoever. And now here I am, a half hour later, full but with a bad taste in my mouth. There's a Chinese menu attached to the board in front of me screaming, "order me! Order me!" The old Sarah would. This Sarah even thought about it, but talked myself out of it because I'm not really hungry. But dammit! Grossness should not be allowed when you are only eating one meal at supper time, not two or three like the old Sarah would.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Session #2

I had therapy session #2 yesterday. It got a little emotional which I wasn't exactly ready for. I think I tell myself I'm okay and "over" stuff when I guess its pretty evident I'm not. I associate most of my issues with my father. But, it was interesting to learn I have maybe more issues or resentment towards my mother.

I explained a lot of scenarios to Zoe (the therapist). She's good in the way that she lets me talk for about 45 minutes of our session and the final 5 she gives me her input. Its never a, "you have to" do this or that kind of talk but more of a, "what you're telling me is...," and, "what I'm hearing is...." kind of scenario. So the final five minutes wasn't so much of the, "your dad's an ass," as it was, "you're resentful and angry at your mother for allowing him to do that to you. You need to stop helping her and start helping yourself." Wow.

She went on to explain that as children we aren't supposed to be the ones helping our parents. (At least not til they are old and sickly.) Not to say it doesn't happen but parents have children to raise and help them. Usually, if a child is "helping" a parent prior to that its because the parent isn't strong enough to do so on their own. At the point where a child realizes a parent needs help, its usually too late or the parent is so set in their ways they won't change. I have to agree, at least in my situation. My mom isn't suddenly going to see the way my dad treats her/us. And even if she does, unless she suddenly gets a Superwomen personality, she's not going to do anything about it. Zoe suggested I stop focusing my attention on "fixing" my mother and moving on. She said I need to fix me.

I told her I was fearful that I would turn into my father and Brian's kids (and my future kids) would resent me. I told her I'm always wondering if they are okay or are pissed at me for disciplining them, even though that doesn't keep me from doing it. She gave me about a few scenarios and I told her how I would/do handle them and my feelings behind them. She told me to stop and think when I have a moment where I want to ask the kids if they are okay. In reality, I need to be asking myself if I'm okay because all I'm doing is placing my anxieties on them. She said I'm trying to trick myself and at the same time the children will respond in the way I'm acting towards them. I know that from my job. If we as medics don't act all excited around kids, they tend to stay calm or calm down. I guess I never thought about it in my real life.

She asked how I felt with punishment/discipline since that was a big part of my life. I told her I know that punishment can only be so bad. Like in my personal experience: I couldn't go out for a school year. I found plenty to do in my house. I was allowed to babysit and I made all kinds of money. So, when Brian and Nancy decided to ground Brandon twice for lying, I agreed at first. But once week 2 started, it got me thinking. Brandon wasn't upset. The punishment didn't really bother him. So I went in his room and had a chat with him. He acknowledged his punishment wasn't bothering him. He couldn't watch TV. That just made him start playing with Lego he didn't touch for months before. I tried a different approach. I asked him what really happened and why he lied. It came down to his teacher would give his homework (notebook) back to him early in the day and he'd stick it in his desk, ultimately forgetting to bring it home with him. He was afraid to tell the truth, fearful he'd get in trouble. The punishment for two weeks (actually three total) didn't make him remember or make him want to stop lying. We thought of ways he could remember him homework, without putting the responsibilites on his teacher. (He wanted to ask his teacher to hand him the notebook at the end of the day.) For the remainder of the school year, we didn't have a problem.

Where am I going with that story? I was told all my life my dad was just like my Pop, and I'm just like my dad. I believed that. I believed my punishment was justified because thats how my dad was punished. But it never, ever solved the root problem of whatever it was I did wrong. Zoe said a lot of parents were "trained" to punish their children by their own parents. She said it takes a strong parent to sit down and listen to their child's concerns because they may be uncomfortable. So while I started to fall into the "easy" trap of punishing the kids, I decided to think back to how I would have wanted it to be with my parents. Zoe confirmed that our behavior, although learned, is not set in stone.

We discussed my relationship with Brian and how we communicate. I feel its improved over the past few weeks because I confront him with my feelings before they become a big deal. She told me to be aware to not bombard him with, "You need to....," or "you always do...," or "you," anything. She said I have to work on saying, "I feel...," to get my concerns across. However, Zoe warned me that even though I'll be less accusatory by saying, "I feel...." its not going to make Brian feel any better. I'm still telling him something I don't like and he's apt to get defensive. She said, and I've learned, its going to be hard to stand up and say something that bothers me and then have Brian (or anyone for that matter) still get a little mouthy to me. She told me ways to stand my ground without being a bitch. I gotta say it feels so much better. I had to do that three different times at work last shift and I felt so relieved after. I stood my ground, I made a decision, and I stuck with it even though it may have pissed someone (or three people) off. At work, I'm in a position of authority. She told me to remember that and be firm when I have to. For my personal life, I have to remember to stand up for me but be mindful of the relationship as well. I have to remember that everything isn't about me, but that I need to look out for me instead of trying to worry about everyone else.

I kind of already knew this but she suggested I work on a schedule for consistency. She told me to basically have my meals set in stone. If its not X time then I shouldn't be eating. Pretty straightforward. I need to make a list of things to do for a day and my day should revolve around getting those things done, not sitting and sulking. I agree.

So, the last five minutes of our session is a bit overwhelming but blunt. I agree with everything she's said, so far. And as far as being a co-worker's MIL? I'm cool with it. She knows that aspect of my life and can relate to it, so its almost like I'm talking to a friends mom in her living room.

Overall? Its working. Thank God.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Week #2

I'm improving. Not in leaps and bounds, but its getting better. It definitely has not been easy but I am trying my hardest to listen to my body.

In the weight department: I have no idea if I gained or lost or stayed the same. I didn't go to WW this week because of work conflicting with my meeting date. I find my focus shifting from weight loss to overall wellness. I'm not saying I'm giving up on weight loss, but I'm focusing more on the global "me." I want to be sure my foundation is good and stable. Thinking like a house---if the ugly concrete is slowly crumbling, its only going to hold up the fancy house for only so long. Once the foundation falls, all you're left with is a fancy house in pieces.

As far as food goes, its been hard but I'm seriously thinking when I eat. I stop when I'm full. Actually, I can't do that yet, so I've been eating a portion of the food in front of me, then stopping. If I'm hungry still ten minutes later, I'll eat more. If I'm at a fast food place, I get either a kids meal or the smallest portion they have. I haven't had fries in over two weeks. I've been substituting mashed potatoes, baked potatoes or veggies for them. I've been hiding fruits and veggies in my meals to make sure I get everything in that I'm supposed to. I'm chosing snacks like the dietitian taught me to hold me over until my next meal. If I'm craving something I have a similar substitute so I don't overdo it. Like chicken fingers, lets say....I have a bag of Tyson breaded chicken strips in the freezer. I'll pop two (serving size) in the oven or microwave and mix it with some lettuce, reduced fat cheddar, sunflower seeds and lite honey mustard dressing. It takes me some time to eat it, so its not like I can eat 5 strips in 5 minutes that way. I'm saving $$ because I'm not going out the door spending $ at some restaurant. And, I am still eating what I'm craving but within reason.

I haven't literally wrote down my feelings before I eat like my therapist said to, but before I eat ANYTHING (not just pre-binge), I pause and think about it. Its been working. Sometimes, I find I'm eating because I'm tired. Novel idea....when I'm tired I'll take a forty minute nap on the couch. Before, I'd eat instead of sleep and all I ended being was full of food and guilt and still be tired.

I can say I have only had two binges this week. As you can tell from a previous post, I'm confronting issues. I tell people the truth no matter if its going to go over well or not. I'm not a bitch about it. Like this morning Brian and I were cooking breakfast together (we cook half and our neighbors cook half....then we go to their house for brunch) and I heard myself say I was getting frustrated about how I didn't have much workspace. In the past I'd keep quiet until I blew up on started yelling. I could be wrong, I think I said it to him in a way that he was able to adjust something without getting his ass chewed out. I don't know about him, but I had an enjoyable time cooking breakfast with him. Its something we did years ago together but after lots of fights we avoided the event all together.

I feel like Brian and I are getting closer. We are communicating better. It feels like he's finally listening to me. Now, whether there has actually been a change or its just the way I perceive it, I don't know.

Brian told me last night I'm doing better now that I'm back on my anti-depressant. LOL. I'm not on it. :)

Brag Time

I have to brag a little. I thought I was awesome for finding bridesmaid dresses for $39.99 at Burlington Coat Factory. Probablem was I had to drive all over God's green Earth to find all the sizes we would need. I was short one size 14 dress. But.....I found and won it (new) on Ebay for $5! Total of $10 with shipping. Next time I have to be a bridesmaid I will refuse to wear anything that costs less more than $42! :)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Confront, don't cope

Brian sent my parents a message telling them about my situation and asked for their support. My mom called me this evening, not knowing if I knew Brian sent her the email. She was just feeling me out to see if I'd talk.

I did. Boy did I. And I probably pissed her off, but I had 12-15 years worth of stuff to say. RFor the first time I said what I REALLY meant. Not examples, not scenarios, but real issues. Most of it was about my dad. No big surprise there. It wasn't stuff like, "I'm mad dad grounded me for a school year," or, "he hurt my feelings." Once I got rolling, I couldn't stop. It was like my eating only it was words coming out, not food going in.

I told her to stop defending things my dad did to hurt me or my sister. I told her to stop defending what he did to her (mom). Its not appropriate for only his feelings, opinions, values, etc., to matter. I told her it saddened and hurt me to see my sister and mom be taken advantage of by him. She continued to defend him and justify all of his actions. I really feel bad that I had to do it but I reminded her of the day Grampy, her father was buried. I didn't want to hurt her by bringing it up but I had to show her what I was talking about.

I just looked back and can't find a post about it. I guess I spared my dad's reputation in case family was reading it. As you'll read later, I don't care anymore.


August 27, 2008

We buried my grandfather in the morning. As the ceremony ended, my mom grabbed on to me and told me she wanted to go with him to be with him and her mother. (Grandma Jeannie dies when my mom was 16.) I had to drag her away whispering in her ear that she needed to stay with us for me and my sister and Brian's kids and my sisters future kids. My mom was a mess. After going to the luncheon my parents, Brian and I went to my parents house. We were spent. It was a long few days for Brian and I, and an eternity for my mom after caring for Grampy for so long. We changed clothes--actually maybe we didn't even get that far. We were sitting in the living room when I heard my dad ask Brian if he'd drive him to this town 30 minutes or so away. Brian dutifully said yes. My father then started spouting off to my mom, "where's the title? I need it now. I can't get a replacement now and I need it to get the other bike."

I'm sorry. What?

Yes, a bike. As in Harley-Davidson. Right now. Three hours after burying her father, my mom is crying and scurrying around the house looking for the title to a Harley that "needed" to be traded in so the new one could be picked up. Today.

Pardon my French: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

My mom does what he asks....sometimes with an attitude but she does it. She searched all over three floors of the house for the title while he sat in his chair fiddling on the laptop. I lost it. I went off on him about how she just buried her father, says she wants to go with him and be with her parents. As her HUSBAND, all he is concerned about a fucking motorcycle. I can't remember exact words but I want to say he made some comment to the likings of, "are we going to sit around here all day? We aren't doing anything else." Its justified in his head.

He left. Mom and I napped. A few hours later he returned with a new white Harley. One, we found out, he didn't even like the ride of because it vibrated a lot. He didn't know this because in the fury of his hasty purchase to have the new best thing he never took it for a test drive. Oh, and did I mention this purchase was made in the amount of time it took my mom to snoop around the ladies section at the Harley shop? She came to meet back up with him and thats when she found out he bought the new bike. I guess when you're making a purchase that fast---before your wife is finished trying on some leather chaps or whatever it is you get at a Harley store, you wouldn't have time to go for a test drive.


So, I pulled that card on my mom. I didn't want to hurt her but I had to do something to her to make her realize, if even for a second, how he hurts people to gain self-righteousness. Now, maybe I wouldn't be all that upset the day I bury my dad, but if the day I bury my mom Brian says to me, "Sarah, I'll be back, I'm going to go pick up a new truck," Shelley better have her spare bed made up because he won't be living in my house any longer.

She started crying and said she understood. She stopped defending him. She couldn't talk bad about him, although I heard her say a few, "yeah that hurt my feelings." I'm not asking her to talk bad about him. I don't expect her to stop defending him.

Actually, I'm not asking her to do anything other than for that moment in time to take a step back and acknowledge that she defends him and that he hurts people. That and when she defends him it hurts my feelings because I don't understand its okay to defend him and his actions but talk shit about me when I confront him. I don't expect her to stop. I just need HER to understand why I can't be involved with him anymore.

My family is all about protecting or avoiding confrontation with one person. He knows that. That gives him the power he wants. I told her I'd love to tell everything face to face to my dad. I really would. But I really have to weigh out the benefit vs. the frustration of it all. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't admit he has faults. Nothing would change.

My mom told me she supports me and wants me to do what I have to do to get better. I told her that may mean cutting all but a thread of ties to my dad. She told me to do what I have to do to make me better. She knows I have to do it. It hurts me, but I have to do it.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for you. Who cares if feelings get hurt? No one thought about that before they hurt yours.

I wrote that on my facebook page the day I found out my dad wanted to hire my ex-husband without talking to me about it first. Initially it was just a comment venting my feelings. Now I'm starting to think of it as a motto. I'm not saying I'm going to go around and be a feelings squasher, LOL. But, I can't keep letting certain people hurt me and get away with it. They don't care about my feelings and how their actions affect others? Then, I'm done worrying about protecting yours and hoping you'll change.

I'd like to think I'm sorry to come to that conclusion. Instead, I feel some relief.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Modified Journaling

Therapy was good. I liked the counselor. Her SIL works for the same department as I, and her husband retired from the fire department. That in itself makes it worth going to her.

I spent most of the time talking. She explained that addictions are coping mechanisms that are usually seeded when we are young. She said I get triggers which depress me and leads me to want to eat. Thats the psychological part of it. The physiological part of it is when that thought enters my head it causes dopamine to release and the biological "need" kicks in.

Anyway, its not about what causes the issue....its now about finding new coping mechanisms and addressing the issues that cause the want to eat in the first place. Its very much the same kind of stuff that is talked about in WW meetings, but on a much more personal level.

She brought up issues with my dad. Almost immediately I got that uncomfortable feeling in my belly and my first thought was food to make it better. I was so frustrated. There I am in therapy and I think I need to eat.

We didn't get to touch on a lot, but I did ask her for a tip/trick to get me through the next week. She asked, "what happens when you are about to binge?" I explained, "I know its coming and once it starts I can't stop." She told me that this may not stop the binge, she wants me to keep paper around to write down what I'm feeling at the time I realize I want to binge. I've had people tell me to journal my feeling after eating or my hunger before eating, but I've never tried this approach. She said it should help pinpoint my triggers, such as being sleepy, frustrated, in pain, etc., and then we can work on those triggers.

Her feelings? I probably have narcissitic daddy issues (duh!) and lots of things during my day remind me of him or a way he's treated me in the past. She said I get frustrated with others because they are too passive and it reminds me of people I was close to when younger (family, probably) who didn't stand up for themselves and allowed themselves to get walked on and abused. Interesting. All that in fifty minutes. How bout that.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Visit to the Shrink

I went to my shrink today. We adjusted my meds, again, to help keep me from getting depressed. I'm back on the antidepressant so hopefully I'll be where I was last month, which was feeling pretty good. He's keeping me on the mood stabilizer because that seems to be working, as well. He told me I was sick because I was basically withdrawing from my antidepressant. Thank God that's over.

I told him about my food issues. He recommends I go to OA. If I don't like one meeting he told me to go to a total of three different meetings. If I don't get anything out of any of the meetings, then I can say it didn't work for me. He also said I need to go to addiction therapy, which starts tomorrow.

He said binge eating is truly an addiction. He said it acts on the same area of the brain as opiates, nicotine, etc., and gave me a bunch of handouts to read about it. Apparently, the chemicals, flavors, additives, fat to sugar ratio (whatever that is), actually causes an addiction. When someone who is addicted to food is having withdrawal symptoms (prior to a binge) they don't go to fruit or veggies, as is explained in the link above. Humans are supposed to eat natural occurring foods. Fruits, veggies, and whatnot don't cause cravings like processed and refined foods. Those foods, their additives to make us "want" them...from a business point of view its brilliant. Get people hooked on your foods and they'll keep coming back making you money. From a biological point of view it does nothing but screw up homeostasis. He explained its not so much an addiction to quantity of food as it is an addiction to the stuff in processed and refined food, etc. I don't understand it all but dopamine is released which causes the "good" feeling. This explains it a little better.
He said its not uncommon to have food addiction, its just a matter than most people don't admit to it. He feels its because there isn't a stigma attached to food addiction as there is to alcohol and narcotics. He said food is corrosive---it will make you fat and eventually cause medical just wears you away. Narcotics can and will kill you with an OD. He's not claiming food addiction is at the same level of narcotics, but it definitely as addictive properties and many people need true therapy to stop. A good comparison was made: Food is what cigarettes were to our grandparents generation. They started smoking at 12. We start eating shit at 12. He said some people who have said addiction are lucky and are able to overcome it without therapy and they are able to do so because they have a great support system. But, he says its hard to overcome based on the pathophysiology as well as the emotional aspect of it all

So, tomorrow starts it all. My appointment is at 2pm with the therapist. I'm going to look into an OA meeting, even though it still freaks me out a little. But I told the doc and Brian I'll do it.

Monday, June 28, 2010

God Dammit!

I was doing SO good today. Then I went to visit a friend, came home around 11pm, got the dogs out and went to make a snack since I ate around 5pm. Twenty minutes later, I realized I just sabatoged my whole day. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go to the shrink tomorrow and the therapist the next day. Somethings gotta give!

Wednesday @ 2pm

I have my first appointment with a psychotherapist the deals with food addiction. I was going to call the place Chuck initially suggested but to be honest, I chickened out. I know I shouldn't judge a place by a website, but its depressing. Plus, I'd rather not do an inpatient thing if I can help it. I'm not going to say I'm completely against it, but I don't feel like I'm that bad. Maybe I am. I don't know.

Anyway, I found a woman who is ironically the MIL of one of my co-workers. I'm not really a shy person, so I could care less if he finds out I'm going to see MIL. The advantage to seeing her is she knows our work schedule and she works on a stress management team for another local department. Ironically, I was supposed to join our stress management team for our department (to be run by my old partner) but I had to back out. I figure I have to help myself before I can help anyone else.

There's a sense of relief now that I've made my appointment. There's a huge black hole of fear that I'm afraid to enter. Not so much of therapy itself, but what is going to be drawn out of it. What is it that caused or causes me to turn to food instead of an issue head on? A HUGE fear of mine is that I'll always be this way. I know I should be more optimistic. I guess I gotta let the lady do her job and figure me out.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Here are pictures of the kids from last weekend. The extra kid is the neighbor, Kenzie. Of course, the furry one is Rio with his fur finally grown out. The shedding fool.

A Different Kind of Cake

Maybe we should ditch the cake and replace it with this.

Clean closet

I bitch to Brian about how we live out of clothes baskets because we don't have adequate storage for our clothes. Then I realized I'm storing clothes. Stuff that doesn't fit. I'd like to say too big, but they're all too small. After having a mini breakdown last night because clothes I bought for OBX in May are already too small. I started to wonder why I'm holding on to these relics that just make me feel bad everytime I look for something to wear. So I decided to clean shop. I ended up with two laundry baskets full of stuff to donate to Goodwill. That is not including the clothes that are sitting in the "to be ironed" basket in the basement.

I thought all this time I was doing a good thing by holding on to too-small clothes. Like I'd finally be happy that I lost weight and fit into something I used to fit into. I'm sure that is a great feeling but the reality is I'm a 16W or 18W. Its going to be quite a long time til I'm in a 10 or 12 again. By then, I'm going to want, or deserve, new clothes.

As for now? Not too much in the way of clothes. I'll buy a few things for cheap, but definitely won't go overboard. I hope not to stay in this size long. I gotta say though, based on recent history, unfortunately, I'm not optimistic. :(

Renfrew Center

I talked to my old partner the other day. He's the guy that is a social worker/therapist. I told him what was going on and he told me he saw it over the years. He agrees with the binge eating/compulsive eating disorder and referred me to a place that deals only with eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, binge eating) and the triggers behind them. He said it is a hard thing to overcome, but is very doable. That scares me. Its like I have my guard up already because I'm going to end up giving in and failing. I know I shouldn't think that way, but the pure thought of that makes me want to feed til I get that "its okay" feeling.

I'm going to make an appointment with them. I need to. I need something. I'm feeling like a hampster on one of those spinny wheels. I just want off the wheel.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Just talk to me!

I had to call Brian today when I found myself sitting in a drive thru after I just picked my supper up elsewhere. That was after I sat outside of Five Guys til I talked myself out of walking in to order something. I could hear myself talk to Brian. I heard myself half yelling at him to "just talk to me." I hope he didn't take it personally. My embarrassed defense mechanisms kicked in. It didn't feel like a normal conversation between us. Maybe it was because I know why I was calling him and it was uncomfortable and embarrassing for me.

Good news? I talked him into making me cheeseburgers with grilled onions for lunch tomorrow. :) I'm guessing Five Guys doesn't use 93% lean beef with their burgers.

"Well, this is awkward."

A neighbor I don't know that well was out front the other day while all the kids were playing. I was getting ready to run out to the store when she stopped me and said, "I saw your picture in the paper. Good for you." Hmm.

"I didn't know my picture was in the paper," was my reply.

"Sure you do. In the Gazette for the weight loss challenge. Good for you."

Ok then. "Ummm, I'm not in a weight loss challenge."

"Yeah, I saw your picture. You're the one that has her hair back in the band...well, like it is right now."

"Nope. Nope. Not me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Definitely sure."

Obviously embarrassed she said, "Oh. Well, this is awkward. I just told you that I think its good you're losing weight....I mean you don't have to...."

"Its okay..." and explained my situation and clarified I most definitely was not involved in any weight loss challenge.

As for my look-a-like weight loss buddy. We don't look anything alike -- the only common feature, I think, was the headband.

Sarah Project -- Week 1

One week down. A lifetime more ahead.

The first few days were tough. More than tough, to be exact. But I made it through seven days without binging--well, too much. I really had to use Brian to keep me on track. There were PLENTY of occasions where he'd take food away, tell me I couldn't have something, find something else for us to do to distract me....its stuff I know needs to be done, but I don't have the will power to do it myself.

My worst day was yesterday--my day at work. I still wasn't as bad as I usually am. Probably because I knew I was going to WW this morning, but I still gave in to temptation. Actually it was funny because this morning while on the computer trying to find a meeting on the way home from work one of my co-workers said, "I don't know why you go to meetings. Just don't eat as much." If it were only that easy.

Some meetings are great---like a counseling session. All the ladies (its primarily ladies...) bitch and moan about their husbands and kids and how they get stressed and eat. Sometimes you're not learning anything but the meetings just make you realize there are people like you out there going through the same struggles--especially if you are surrounded in real life by people who aren't. Today's meeting sucked. I walked out early because this leader was trying to sell WW products. When I go to Kirsten's meeting up here, she rarely mentions their products. She's all about tips and tricks to get you to goal.

The results??? Down 3.2 pounds. I'm happy. I needed something positive to keep me on track. It made all the frustrations of Brian not allowing me to eat when I wanted to worth it. My personal goal now? Go to four weeks of meetings consecutively. Usually I drop out after week two or three. I get cocky and think I've got it all under control, which I don't.

Its very interesting to talk to people about their views, suggestions, opinions about how to lose weight, live a healthier lifestyle, or get in shape. Everyone tries to push what works for them. I know I've done it before----WW worked for me so to me everyone should have done it. I worked with a woman the other day who swears by personal trainers and dieticians. Others found things that work for them online. The South Beach Diet. Atkins. Alli. I was even told, "just get that phen-phen stuff off the Internet."

I'm not going to say where I'm at right now is perfect, but it feels good. I am not at the point yet where I can make all good decisions. Its like the bad angel on my shoulder takes over and makes 30 minutes worth of bad decisions for me. But, if Brian and my friends/family can continue what they are doing by keeping me in check, taking food away from me, and removing me from situations where I'm bound to binge or make bad decisions, I think it will be only a matter of time until I can do it on my own. Its just "my" thing.

Starting: 234
Now: 230.8
Lost: 3.2

Monday, June 21, 2010

Goal #1

I've gotten ALL kinds of responses from you all about my posts. Some people have me halfway into a fat farm while others think this is something I have to do on my own. Whatever your views, I just appreciate you are interested and care for me enough to even speak your mind.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go to OA. Whatever their values or what they stand for or if I qualify to attend the meetings....the point is I think I can use some help. Weightwatchers provides some of that help with their weekly meeting but lets be honest, they're still a corporation and are trying to sell a product. I've considered the OA group because of the support of someone else who's been successful within the group. Another part of me doesn't think I have to attend. I'm NOT saying I think I need nothing, because I'd be lying.

If I came off in my posts like I'm making another excuse, I'm not. I'm asking for help. If I don't have help, I'll eat all the time. My goal is to stop binging---whether its potato chips or cucumbers. Those of you saying my real issue is depression or that this is a bad coping're probably right, too. I don't think there is a end all, be all answer to this. Really at this point the origin doesn't matter.

From this point on I'm working towards goals, which I feel are fairly realistic:

1. Stop binging. Find other coping mechanisms. Instead of eating I have to find something else to do. (Today, by the way, I spent lots of money at Home Depot and Lowes. I came home and painted our entrance way with Oops paint I got for $2.50. Can't beat that.

2. Be realistic---stop saying shit like, "I'm going to lose 100 million pounds by next week.

3. Use support. I KNOW its not all about food. I KNOW I use food to cope with things. I KNOW I may be able to get over issues I have by using my friends and family.

4. Leave my house. I have to leave this place. The more I'm here, the more bored I get and the more I eat.

So....I'm going to blog. You might get sick of reading them and feel free NOT to. I need to. I had a counselor years ago that told me to journal. This is my journal. The advantage is I get some advice along the way.

I started today with goal #1. I found something else to do when I felt like binging. I was actually productive. The easy way out is to sit around and sulk. I have to pull myself out of this comfy chair and get my mind on something else.

There are some of you who WON'T understand my thinking, my actions, or my posts. Thats okay....because, in reality, they're for me, not you. And if this is going to help me, then you better like it. :)

Starting Day 4

I woke up wondering what was for breakfast, as I usually do. What normally happens is I eat my "first" breakfast in front of Brian, he'll leave to do something and then I'll eat my second breakfast sometime later. I doubt he ever knew. Its not like he's counting slices of bread, although I have been known to leave a knife with peanut butter out on the counter a time or two. It used to be so bad that as soon as he'd walk out the door I'd head into the kitchen and start munching. I recall a few times where he would come back into the house because he forgot something and my stomach would drop because I thought I'd have to explain my second meal. I'd come up with all kinds of excuses--I was starving, it was my period, I even used the line that I had to eat because of medicine.

My mom has been an insulin dependent diabetic since she was a child. Our house was healthy. We weren't to the extreme or anything--she took care of herself by the foods she ate. Growing up in a diabetic household plus in the logistical area I did...well, I didn't have opportunity to eat out. The closest fast food place was about 30 minutes away. There were a few mom and pop restaurants in town, but it wasn't like you could just pop in and grab something. But, it wasn't that I didn't think about it.

Maybe this happened or happens to everyone, but I recall being SO excited when mom went grocery shopping. We used to go to Shop-Rite. It had to be way back when because I remember her standing in line to get her check approved before we even went shopping. Wow, times have changed. Anyway, we'd go all over the store and fill up our cart. The guy at the deli always gave me a slice of cheese and a slice of German bologna. That was my favorite part. I'd come home and help mom unpack the bags and put food away. We lived in the world of Tupperware, so everything went in some sort of container. I'd pour stuff out and nibble as I went. Hours later when things were put away and mom was off doing something else I'd sneak back into the kitchen and break open the containers. Grocery day was the best day because I could eat a little of everything. Although I've gained some self control I still love grocery day. I have learned to stay away from some foods---I can't buy deli American or bolgona because I go right back to my childhood.

My parents used to make fun of me because I'd eat two meals before I went to bed. My staple was PB&J with chips and then whatever else was laying around. I bet Mom wished she kept the Tupperware because they used to complain about me taking the noisy chip bags out of the cabinet "trying" to be quiet. Everyone blamed hormones and getting older. I was extremely active with sports -- I'd play serious basketball anywhere between 5-8 hours a day spread out, of course. I'd play with the boys and I played tough. I'm sure I burned most of my caloric intake.

I can honestly say I don't know what hunger feels like. I know what good tasting food feels like. I posted before I cheated on WW. I had to stop using the skills my dietician gave me because I COULDN'T stop eating. I don't really know what "full" feels like. I know what over-full feels like and that is my norm. I would eat until I felt like I was seconds away from vomiting. To be clear, I have NEVER purged. The thought of puking disgusts me. I have taken laxatives. I started that about two years ago when I was having all my GI issues. I suspected I was gaining because I started binging again. I started taking laxatives to clear my system when I realized I couldn't go to the bathroom. Granted, I had a legitimate issue but all that did was give me another excuse to blame my weight on. Then came depression, medicine, tiredness, etc.

Now, I'm not going to say everything I wrote in this blog over the past couple of years was a lie. I do eat more when I'm tired and upset or annoyed. I won't eat a container of ice cream....I'll eat non-stop until I feel like I'm going to puke. I used to go to sleep after I ate--usually because I was so full my body would need that time to digest.

My attempts at weight loss were sincere. I'd do good for a few days and then something would trigger a binge and the cycle would start again til I started to get embarrassed and felt like shit then I'd be back at a WW meeting. I KNOW WW works. I've lost with its help (and the fact that I didn't eat) and I've seen friends lose on it. But I never journaled just how much food I ate. There were times that I'd use my 35 extra points before supper time on my first day back to WW. I couldn't face the numbers anymore so I just stopped journaling.

Brian made me feel more guilty than my ex-husband did. My ex "helped" me without knowing it. He liked junk food too. A different kind than Brian. Brian can sit an eat desserts all day while my ex-husband would chow down on Doritos or Cheez-Its....or some kind of cheezy cracker. He drank Mountain Dew all the time. With the exception of maybe two Sprites, I don't know if I've ever seen Brian drink a soda. My ex and I started the tradition of going out for appetizers. I LOVE the taste of most anything fried. I love even more, dipping anything fried into any kind of sauce. My favorite used to be the appetizer sampler from Applebees. Although after running a few calls in Applebees kitchen while I work, the thought of the place makes me want to gag now, thankfully.

My eating worsens with drinking. If you've ever been at a bar with me, you know I can eat NON-STOP. The alcohol inhibits my "embarrassment" so I'd use my drinking as a coverup as to why I'd eat so much. I try not to drink too much now. I can usually control my eating when around people other than Brian, but once I'm home, it would look like a tornado swept through the kitchen.

I'm learning things about myself. I'm learning about my cravings. I don't really crave pizza, I crave sauce and bread. I crave vinegar--mustard, BBQ sauce, most of the things I dip in. I crave mayo (I know...) and cheese, but not like cheese from a pizza. American cheese usually (I know, Brian, make your faces now). The pizzas back home are made with American cheese. Its like heaven on Earth for me. Sauce, bread, and American cheese. When Laura was getting married, I went to her house a few days early to help her set up, as the wedding was in her front yard. Instead of cooking we ordered a few pizzas. Way more than was really needed. Whenever I was the only one around I'd shove (literally) another slice in my mouth. When I went to my parents house to sleep they had pizza, too. I ate more there. Three days later, the day of Laura's wedding, I gained enough weight that my dress didn't fit. When I left MD my dress fit PERFECTLY. The day of the wedding it kept bunching up over my belly and hips and I had to keep pulling it down.

The best way to describe know how you eat and gain weight on a cruise--like 10 pounds in a few days? That is me everyday. I never thought I ate much on a cruise---because honestly I was eating the same amount that I did on a normal day, just different food.

Anyway back to my doing better---I'm learning what I crave and I'm working with it. I find I'm not really craving diet Pepsi (with the exception of a fountain one, first thing in the morning). I'm craving flavor. Over the past four days I've found unsweetened tea does the trick. I drink a boatload of tea and it fills me up and its harder, but not impossible, to eat more. I drank so much diet Pepsi over the years that I associate it with foods. Like pretzels. I love diet Pepsi and hard pretzels.

Before I eat, I'm trying to take a time-out and think about what I really want. Last night I was craving floppy pizza and a turkey sub. So, I went to the pizza place and got two slices (one of pepperoni and one cheese) and had them cut eat in half. I ate two halves, ran some errands and a few hours later decided to go to Subway to get a turkey sub. I chose Subway because they use light mayo and is fairly low in points. I made sure I had enough points for the day for both items. Because I slept all day (day after my shift) I slept through lunch so I had plenty at nighttime.

Brian suggested when I get a craving to go do a lap or two around the circle out front. It worked last night before bed. I'm blogging a lot more because that is keeping me from the kitchen. Work is still tough. Basically being outside my comfort zone is tough. I mean, hell, I'm only four days in.

It was said to me that my binging isn't an eating disorder. You are entitled to think that. But, let me ask you, how much different is my binging than binging and then forcing yourself to vomit afterward. That has a fancy name of bulimia. I'm not bad enough where I'd make myself vomit. Like I said, the thought and smell disgusts me.

I read somewhere that being a compulsive eater is much like having an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I agree. A saying I read was something along the lines of overcoming substance abuse is like locking a tiger in a cage. Overcoming an eating disorder is like locking a tiger in a cage and having to take it for a walk three times a day. Its not like you can just stop eating.

As for my eating...
I'm doing better. I told you about yesterday and today so far has been pretty good. I'm fearful to sneak food because I'm sure Brian is watching now. I don't like that feeling---not Brian watching me, but that I still want to go empty the pantry. Its only 10am so I've got a lot of day ahead of me. My mornings are often good until the afternoon. I have to remember to keep taking a time-out before I do anything stupid.

The Truth Behind the Sarah Project

Its been a rough few days. I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally. It's been draining. But, as of right now (just after midnight, Monday AM) I'm more at peace with myself than I have been in a long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Before I begin, let me say thank you to everyone who has given me advice, comments, opinions, suggestions, made WW meals, etc. You have made those comments, opinions, suggestions, etc., primarily based off information I provided you. Now, let me tell you the truth.

My problems with eating are far beyond having a few too many cookies or one slice too many of pizza. Its not that I don't eat enough vegetables or drink enough water or get enough exercise. Its not because I have PCOS and am on hormones or because I was on antidepressants. I don't eat to just comfort me when I'm upset.

The truth?
I'm a compulsive binge eater. I have been since I was a child.

I'll start with this website. It explains the basic concepts of binge/compulsive eating. Its still rather vague, though. This page gives more specific information about what "we" do. After reading #'s 5, 6, and 7, I started crying and still do every time I reread them.

So, my story....
I've been eating like this since I was in middle school. It worsened when I left home for college. Granted, some of this can be related to being free and out of mom and dad's house. I didn't have to eat pot roast for supper every night, I could have pizza or chicken or Chinese. When I lived on campus I was limited to the pre-determined amount of money on my campus meal card. I didn't have any other income so I didn't really go out to eat. I didn't have a car so I didn't go off campus. But once I moved off campus and had my own care and income, it was game on. Before it was pizza, chicken, or Chinese, but it later turned into most nights it turned into all of the above. I'd have the pizza, the chicken AND the Chinese. I remember ordering (and eating) and ENTIRE Papa Johns sausage pizza (including the garlic dipping sauce) and almost immediately getting in my car, driving to Burger King's drive thru and had some other meal from there. I'd sneak food whenever I could. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and eating a can of Pringles that I had hidden next to my bed. I think I realized I had a real problem, when I was eating those Pringles. It was 2am and I thought my roommate, Rachel, caught me eating in bed in the dark. Up until that point I thought it was just, "Sarah likes to eat," but it got to the point where I was embarrassed of my actions and lied and hid them. Not long after that day, I was 240 pounds. I tell people I used to be skinny then I was fat then lost it. While true, its kind of propaganda. I make it sound like I was thin a lot longer than was true. Over the last 13 years, I have been overweight for 8 or 9 of them.

I talk the world of WW. I suggest it to everyone---it helped me lose 75 pounds. The truth is, the only way I started to lose was because I got a job. In 2001 I started working as an ER Tech at a busy emergency room. I was on my feet 12 hours + a day. I was only supposed to work 3 days a week. What I didn't realize (don't ask me how....) was they scheduled for me for an extra shift, so that made for 4 days a week and then I usually picked up OT. All I did was work and sleep. The money was great. It allowed me to go to paramedic school. During that period, I went to school everyday, an hour from my house, did clinicals at night, and worked weekend nights in the ER. I wasn't around food, but I was stressed to the max. If you ever worked in a hospital or public safety or anything like that you know we don't usually get the meal breaks we are supposed to. Sometimes our jobs just can't be put on hold. While at work, we were short staffed so I skipped plenty of meals. I started WW around the same time with hopes it would help and I lost. Working nights helped because nothing was opened, restaurant wise, and the hospital I worked at was Vegan so I didn't touch anything they made with a ten foot pole. WW worked, but the truth was, I didn't have time to eat.

Eventually, I got hired by the fire department. Shift work was wonderful. I'd work one 24 hour shift then be off for 72 hours. Well, technically, that is how it works, but I started working OT. My ex and I just bought a new place so we needed the money. I think I had figured out one month I worked 28 out of 31 days---and each of those days worked was either a 12 or 24 hour shift. I couldn't eat what I had stashed in my house. My partner was a psuedo health nut so I tried to mimic him, but we had separate bunkrooms. My bunkroom had pop-tarts, chips, Snickers bars piled high on my nightstand. I was eventually transferred to the busiest medic unit in the county. My partner didn't eat and when she did it was like a damn bird. Chips with American cheese on them and chicken fingers. The shift cooked dinner a lot so I ate with them, but I was always embarrassed to eat as though they knew what my issue was---if it weren't for the embarrassing feeling I'd eat 3 times as much as I did. Usually I was saved by the bell--we'd get a call mid-meal. I used to go back up into the kitchen when everyone else was on a call and steal leftovers from the fridge or chips from the bag on the table. I maintained my weight by not eating due to the circumstance of my job not because I was trying.

Two years later, I got a new assignment and a new partner. My partner was heavy and loved to eat. We ate shit--pizza, Chinese... but in all seriousness, I could out eat him any day. Some people go shot for shot or beer for beer---I'd go bite for bite with Mike. The difference was he was 6 foot something and probably over 250-260 pounds. I started to gain. I started to eat comfortably with Mike. I remember being seriously pissed at him when he went on a diet and was eating veggies and fruit. I remember yelling at him---it was like he was my dealer or something. How could he do that to me? I was okay eating like that when he was eating with me. Mike and I were split up in order to train new people and I decided to stop working OT. I needed the break. It was stressing me out and I didn't really need the money anymore. So, I had my 72 hours off to myself.

When Brian and I started dating seriously we ended up on the same shift. I hid my eating from him. So I ate what I wanted when I was at work and when I was home I ate whatever it was we ate. Last year, I was moved to a different shift so we work two different days. That is when it all started again. I figured I was a grown woman with my own money -- I can spend it on whatever I want. I started to eat out. A lot. Then way too much.

My typical day off? Meet Brian and his partner at Denny's for breakfast. Sometimes I'll get something sensible, sometimes not. I leave there and drive an hour home. I take the dogs out, feed them, then feed me. No way I could be hungry, but I usually start with something easy from the pantry. A bag of chips or something. Then I move to the fridge and find some sort of leftover that needs to be heated up. While thats in the microwave I might have some peanut butter on raisin bread. Then whatever was in the microwave. Less than 10 minutes later, I've already consumed enough food for a person for a day.

I go to sleep for a few hours, but as soon as I wake up my thought is food. Disgusted with myself for my actions in the morning I "try" to talk myself into being good. I'll usually post something on the blog about feeling bad and wishing I could lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Around that time I get ready to go out to run some errands. If it ends up like the last day Brian worked I'll stop at Roy Rogers for chicken strips (with dipping sauces) then head over to Burger King for a chicken sandwich value meal with funnel cake sticks. Oh, and while at Roy Rogers I got the 5 piece chicken strips, asking for multiple sauces, saying, "I don't know what kind they want," so it seemed like I was getting the food for someone else. I did stop myself before I ended up at McDonalds for more chicken strips (its not that i like the chicken, I like the dipping) but I was embarrassed the drive thru person would see my other bags so I decided to make a right turn and go home. I got home and saw my neighbors were outside. I combined all my fast food bags into one so they'd think I only went to one place. Home, I had some cupcakes and three glasses of milk before I went back to bed.

I know what I'm doing, but its like I can't stop it. I lie all the time about my food. I lie to myself. I lie to Brian. I lie to anyone who reads this blog. Why? Who would want to admit all of that? Its embarrassing. Its easier to come up with excuses. And it doesn't just happen when Brian's at work. I lie about what I ate before I come to bed. If he's outside working, I'm inside snacking.

So why am I admitting now? This post made me do it. I've been reading her blog for a while and after all the years I've been bitching about weight...she was the first one to admit she had the same problem as me. I hate to say we don't know we are doing it, but its like trying to stop a train. It doesn't happen quickly. I know when my binge starts its bad. But I shovel in as much food as I can for 10 minutes and then its over.

I knew it had a label a few months back. Up until that point I just thought I was a fat ass. I came across this book a few months back and it described me to a T. I gave it to Brian to read so he'd understand what I was going through. It was very discouraging to find it at the bottom of his magazine holder in the bathroom, under magazines from last November.

I think a lot of my posts and blogging was me really trying to ask for help, but too embarrassed to say what the problem was. I knew what the truth was. I tried to tell Brian but I couldn't do it with words, and he didn't read the book. I took his not reading the book as an, "I don't give a shit," and its been a downward spiral since. I made/make several references in my blog about standing up for him and supporting him and others and all I really wanted was someone to do the same. I guess its hard to know how to support someone when you don't know whats wrong with them.

So, this is where the Sarah Project comes in. I don't really know where to go from here. I think I've got Brian on my side now. He didn't know about all of this until this morning. It was suggested that I go to Overeaters Anonymous. That scares me. I don't know if its fear it won't work or fear of humbling myself or what. The only thing I do know is I can't get over this alone. This isn't an eat healthier thing or exercise more thing. If this was alcohol, you'd call me an alcoholic. My drug is food -- I want to overcome this and then find out who the real "me" is. Are my other issues really cover ups for this? I don't know.

To you, Rogue, a special thank you. I don't know you, but you'll never know how you have affected my life, especially over the last three days.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Avoiding the kitchen rambling

I have nothing to blog about but if I don't sit in this chair a few minutes longer my ass will be in the kitchen looking for some sort of dessert to munch on. I'm only 5 points over my daily amount and I refuse to tap any further into my 35 freebies for the week. I'm a little jealous, because Brian and the kids are meeting Mommom at Maggie Moo's. If I went, although delicious, I would have screwed up my entire day, points wise.

I'm thinking a good amount of my mood issues is dependent on the amount of sleep I'm getting at night. I'm working 24 hours tomorrow so I told Brian I'd be in bed by 9pm tonight. I'm curious to see if going to bed two hours earlier makes a difference tomorrow. I already have one meal packaged up---fake baked ziti. I took leftover whole wheat spaghetti, a half cup of pasta sauce, a 1/4 c of part-skim ricotta, 1/4 c of part skim mozzarella and mixed it all together with some spices. Its not going to be perfect, but I figured it will do for lunch tomorrow. I really have to remember to bring leftovers more for work. I can easily drop $30 a day in meals.

Ok, thanks for reading my ramblings. It seemed to have worked. My "craving" has eased a bit and I have 10 minutes til bedtime. I don't have time to eat anything if I plan on going to sleep.

Tomorrow will be day 3 of the Sarah Project. How many days/weeks is it til something is a habit? It would be nice if it was only 5 but I'm pretty sure thats not reality.

Lego my cufflinks?

I've come across lots of cool websites while planning our wedding. This is one of my favorites. Almost makes me want to have the guys wear some sort of formal wear.

The Sarah Project

Its been a few days since my breakdown via blogger.

I've gotten emails, calls, and had some conversations with some people. I have support. I just need to ask for it, I guess. Its hard to go to someone when you are having a bad day and offload all of your frustrations. Its not like I'm the only one in this world that has an issue. I'm just not doing a good job of handling mine. Why would I put that burden on someone else?

Its clear I have to work on me....I have to work from the inside out and things will hopefully fall in place. I have to take advantage of those friends of mine that might not know I'm having a bad day (or days) and use those people to help keep my spirits high. Its obvious when I fall, I fall hard.

Its so frustrating to know I am a person who's moods aren't stable. Not that I'll do something crazy to myself or someone else because its not like that. I just get frustrated and am not always the nicest person to be around. Usually, I'm my own worst enemy. I used to be able to handle someone talking down to me. But now, I talk down to myself and if I do that to me, there's no way in hell anyone else is going to help me.

I went to a WW meeting the other night. Not because I'm going all gung-ho on WW, but because it tends to be like a mini counseling session. Actually, I think I like that someone else is complaining about themselves instead of me doing it. The surprising thing is since, I've had two good WW days. I made good decisions---even going as far as re-ordering my lunch. I bought something that was 13 points but just as I was about to eat it I felt guilty, like I usually do. But, this time I decided to order another meal. I got a 6 point sub instead. Yeah I wasted a few bucks, but I felt better overall. Tonight I asked Brian to make supper and asked him to make it in a way that I could better track my points. I feel like I'm putting him (or anyone else) out by asking them to help me. I get overwhelmed because I think I am the only one that can take care of me. Only I can do it the way it needs to be done. All that does is stress me out beyond belief which leads me to get frustrated which leads to me eating to comfort myself.

I made a comment in a previous post about "staying" with Brian. First, let me clarify....yes, a few years ago I stayed with Brian because of the kids. Hadn't there been kids involved he and I would have broken up. But, and maybe God made it work out this way, we worked through our issues. We spent months in counseling and learned SO much about ourselves and each other.

Along the same lines, lets be weight gain (eating comfort) started two years ago when our drama began. In counseling I learned how to "let go" of stuff that upset me from work and I've grown to love my job again. There is so much stuff that is out of my control its not even funny and whether I bitch and complain about it or not, nothing is going to change. My problem? I did not allow the same to apply to my personal life. Instead, I micromanaged and had to have my hands on everything. I told myself I had to fix everything because no one else could do it better. So, all this time I've been driving myself literally crazy with stress---and usually it was over stupid stuff.

I'm taking advice. I'm going to go see a therapist/counselor. I need to vent sometimes. They like to get paid to listen to people vent. Win win. I'm not writing off my meds. I do need them, no matter how much I try to talk myself out of them. I have a mood issue. I get frustrated and say things, usually while talking to myself, that make me look like a bitch.

I'm not stressing about my weight. Yes, I'm pissed as all hell, but like I just wrote....there's nothing I can do about it right here and right now. In 20 minutes I'll still be 234 pounds. If I don't have the body I'm hoping for on my wedding day....Brian's going to marry me just the same. All I can do is be confident in me, be confident those who love me love me for me....not the way I look. How stupid is this? I have a friend who lost all kinds of weight recently by busting her ass. I'm so proud of her. But a huge part of me thinks I'm letting her down by not doing the same. I don't know why I think that way. Its just the way my dumb-dumb brain works.

I'm going to work at me slowly and surely. I have to do it in the same way I handled work last year. I didn't just walk in to work one day and turn over a new leaf. I didn't just become un-disgruntled. I didn't just stop bitching and complaining. It took time and patience to learn to accept things I can not change and work my hardest to fix those things I can. There were bumps in the road and some days were better than others. But overall, I'm proud of the person I've become as a leader at work. The same will apply to the Sarah Project. It will just take time, patience, and a few bumps in the road.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I need Krazy Glue

The kid thing today was the final straw. I'm done. I'm so tired of being me. I'm not saying I'm going to off myself of something, but I feel like I'm in a cesspool of negativity. I can't seem to get this weight thing under control. Today's weight? 234. Absolutely, freakin awesome, right? I'm getting bombarded from every angle it seems. I feel like I tell people what I need in order for them to be supportive of me and they treat it like its a big joke. I guess I can come off as the boy who cried wolf, but there is just stuff I can't do alone. I found myself on my bedroom floor today talking to Rio (the dog). I was so ready to pack up the car and a dog or two and just start driving. But then I realized, I don't have anywhere to go. Its not like I can go home. No support there. I just feel like I need a "life rehab," if there is such a thing. I felt like after my ex and I split I was revived---I could handle anything---look at how I could care for myself without anyone's help. That was short lived.

You're probably thinking, "oh, sappy Sarah. Need some new medicine." Lol. The funny thing is coming off my medicine has been wonderful. I can feel again. I have emotions, even if they aren't always good. I'm just stuck in this crater and I no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself out by myself. Actually it feels like people are throwing rocks at me while I'm down. (Nice symbolism, huh?) I think a boulder covered in cow poop was thrown at me with the "mother" comments today.

Maybe that's why I get along so well with my neighbor, the one who had drug issues in her previous life. Although we lead VERY different lives, the one thing that is the same is that we've got ourselves in the same kind of hole -- she may have used an illegal substance to numb herself while I'll use pizza. You can tell me to stop eating pizza and her to stop using, but unless the root problem(s) fixed, there is still going to be comforting needing to be done. Its like pizza and heroin are our support groups.

I have absolutely NO idea what to do now. I want to fix myself and get back to good SOOOOO bad you don't even know. I don't know where to turn or who to turn to. I don't know if I need to make a big change in my life. Maybe I'm in a spot that I thought was good for me, but really isn't.

This isn't about working out or eating right or whatever. This is about fixing a soul. The soul in me now, is cracked. I need some Krazy Glue.

Babysitter to your kid?

I had someone challenge me today about what kind of mother I will be when I adopt a kid. Yes, I've made the decision that sometime down the road, I will adopt as opposed to IVF or other fertility options.

No....I have no idea what its like to be a mother. I'm not one. I'm a stepmother, but apparently that means different things to different people. Unless you are one (or stepfather for that matter) you WON'T understand what its like to be just that---a step parent.

I feel I have more authority over the neighbors kid at times than I do my own stepchildren. I am reminded day after day that I am not "mommy." I have treated those kids as close to being "my own" as I can, in my opinion. I have held them when they cried. I have brushed knots out of their hair. I'm cooked countless "favorite" meals. I've been the go to person when, "a secret that Daddy can't know about" needs to be told. While lots of people disagreed with my decision, I stayed with their Daddy when things got really rough. I stayed for them so their life would not be disrupted again. No matter what my feelings are inside I've tried to keep a stable front for them.

I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I'm not looking for a thank you. Quite honestly, I'm not looking to be their mother, even though it hurts to know I've treated them the same I would treat them IF they were my own--and won't get the same treatment as a "mommy." But they have a mother who loves them very much and I would never try to challenge her position.

So, how DARE you challenge what kind of parent I will be. Some of us want a kid more than than YOU will EVER understand. Some of you thought having kids would be fun, or at least, the making them part would be. Know that some of us have been let down by God over and over again. I would take the child that you feared, regretted, or took for granted in a heartbeat.

You want to question me about being a stepmother or how I'll be as an adoptive mother? I challenge you to imagine your life without your kids and then be told the same as I was today. All I can say is its shitty.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

an almost excuse

I almost made an excuse but didn't. I almost said I was too woozy to go to the YMCA last night but I went anyway. I was nauseaus but I went. And, it was awesome. I love to lift. Granted right now I use machines til I feel more confident to use free weights but I guarantee you I am not lifting a wussy amount of weights.

I stayed within my calories too. That doesn't make me feel better now that its 330am and I "think" I'm hungry because I can't sleep. The reality is I'm hot and a little sore. I'm so used to feeding myself to give me that full feeling before sleeping I "think" I need to go downstairs and feed myself. I'm not going to though. I just pray I can have another successful day, Sunday.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

No kids for me.

I have not been to the gym--I've been sick. I didn't even go to work the other day. I'm not sure if its sinuses or the change in dose of meds from Dr. Bad-toupee, but I've been throwing up, dry heaving, and had nausea for a couple days. I told Brian, I'm not birthing any kids. I'll adopt, but there's no way in hell I can do morning sickness for 3+ months. I've been down and out for the past few days. The mere thought of getting in a car and driving made me sick. Today, I'm feeling better although I'm still having issues with my eyes. Its like my eyes move but my vision doesn't keep up with it. That, tied in with that yucky feeling you get when you take pain medicine (well, that's how I feel anyway) hasn't made for pleasant days. Anyway, after four days in, I think I may venture out today. I NEED to go to the gym and lift.

I found the recipe calculator device on which will/is making things SOO much easier track. I found I'm NOT a good guesser when it comes to determining calories of meals. But I've entered a few recipes so my journaling is much more accurate. I hope with the addition of some strength training I'll see some kind of difference.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm a broken record

Its to the point where I'm tired of hearing myself talk. I do good at journaling and charting and everything and then I have four or five days of crap and I feel like it all goes to hell.

The problem? Beer at this point. Its been hot out. We mingle with our neighbors and that usually involves beer and a cookout. Beer then turns into munching which turns into eating crap. I'm having such a hard time saying "no." Its not that I don't say no, but its the "ah, come on, Sarah," that I give in to. I found a hand out from WW yesterday in my purse that was about just that topic. Hopefully I'll do better, otherwise I'm going to become a water drinking hermit homebody.

Good news though...I was taken off my antidepressant. Dr. Bad-toupe made a funny during our appointment the other day. He said, "yeah, that last doc did you a lot of good. Put you on a med that knocked out all emotion, made you not poop, and made you fat. Yep, bet that did a lot for depression." Ha! Honest man, what can I say? I'm on a "weight-neutral" drug that is supposed to help with my mood swings. I don't know wht anyone else thinks/sees, but I think its great. I find my patience has increased dramatically. Instead of sitting back taking it all in, I'm playing with the kids, hanging out with the neighbors and their kids, and getting off my butt and doing things during the day. I never made it to the gym. I have NO excuses, but I will be going today. Which brings me to.....

115 days til our wedding. We finally have a date--October 3rd. We contemplated going far away for the wedding but we ended up finding a perfect place about 20 minutes from our house. Its just what we wanted for a laid back wedding. I'm getting pretty excited--thanks Dr. Bad-toupe for fixing that. I'd be pissed if I felt no emotion with getting married. Anyway, we are below budget which is wonderful. The Internet has been a great tool in finding all kinds of stuff we need for the wedding. I found the perfect dress, only to learn it comes in black, brown, and electric blue. What a bummer. But I did read that if I can get a bridesmaid dress in white or ivory for next to nothing. And I think that a bridesmaid dress would be more appropriate than a gown for the type of wedding we are hoping for. we have a grooms-woman. Ha...Brian wanted his BFF, Kim, to be in the wedding and he wanted her to stand on his side. Our ceremony will be probably 10 minutes tops, but still---I think it will be a little bit funny, but thats okay. Its definitely going to be the wedding WE want...

Friday, June 4, 2010

Cure a Weight Problem with Weights?

This photo shows who I don't want to be anymore.

I started a "Weight Photo" file on my computer today to visually chart my progress. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it is to see this picture. I literally started crying about an hour ago when I saw a video of me dancing at this wedding. I'm so embarrassed.

After reading the article that I posted earlier, it got me thinking. Maybe I'm focusing a little bit on the wrong things. Yes, I need to cut calories, although I've cut them down to 1550 a day. Yes, I need to get cardio in. But, maybe part of my issue is I'm not getting enough weight training in. Well, mainly because I'm getting NONE in other than lifting equipment at work and whatnot. I'm starting to wonder how much that has to play into my issue. I guess the one thing that I didn't even account for over the past few years is that while I say I didn't go to the gym and do cardio workouts, I did lift weights---and quite a bit. I guess I forgot about it. Maybe I had enough muscle in me to speed up my metabolism. Granted, I have a feeling my meds have significantly slowed down my metabolism, but at this point I'm willing to give it a shot. And, to be honest, I love to lift weights so it wouldn't be a chore. I have to work 7a-7p tomorrow. Barring any major catastrophes at work, I'm going to be a gym rat and start this lifting stuff again. Maybe I'll even throw in a little trot on the treadmill while I'm at it.

Something's gotta work sooner or later, right?