The kid thing today was the final straw. I'm done. I'm so tired of being me. I'm not saying I'm going to off myself of something, but I feel like I'm in a cesspool of negativity. I can't seem to get this weight thing under control. Today's weight? 234. Absolutely, freakin awesome, right? I'm getting bombarded from every angle it seems. I feel like I tell people what I need in order for them to be supportive of me and they treat it like its a big joke. I guess I can come off as the boy who cried wolf, but there is just stuff I can't do alone. I found myself on my bedroom floor today talking to Rio (the dog). I was so ready to pack up the car and a dog or two and just start driving. But then I realized, I don't have anywhere to go. Its not like I can go home. No support there. I just feel like I need a "life rehab," if there is such a thing. I felt like after my ex and I split I was revived---I could handle anything---look at how I could care for myself without anyone's help. That was short lived.
You're probably thinking, "oh, sappy Sarah. Need some new medicine." Lol. The funny thing is coming off my medicine has been wonderful. I can feel again. I have emotions, even if they aren't always good. I'm just stuck in this crater and I no matter how hard I try, I can't get myself out by myself. Actually it feels like people are throwing rocks at me while I'm down. (Nice symbolism, huh?) I think a boulder covered in cow poop was thrown at me with the "mother" comments today.
Maybe that's why I get along so well with my neighbor, the one who had drug issues in her previous life. Although we lead VERY different lives, the one thing that is the same is that we've got ourselves in the same kind of hole -- she may have used an illegal substance to numb herself while I'll use pizza. You can tell me to stop eating pizza and her to stop using, but unless the root problem(s) fixed, there is still going to be comforting needing to be done. Its like pizza and heroin are our support groups.
I have absolutely NO idea what to do now. I want to fix myself and get back to good SOOOOO bad you don't even know. I don't know where to turn or who to turn to. I don't know if I need to make a big change in my life. Maybe I'm in a spot that I thought was good for me, but really isn't.
This isn't about working out or eating right or whatever. This is about fixing a soul. The soul in me now, is cracked. I need some Krazy Glue.
5 comments:
I wish I had some profound words of wisdom for you, but we are both in similar boats or craters right now so I definitely understand what you're saying. Things have to get better at some point right? ;-)
To say I know exactly how you feel would be a lie, but I have been in a crater before and life well it just SUCKED. The good thing is that you know you have to fix the root problem which is a good step, in order to fix it you need professional help. My advice is to get a shrink and see them at least twice a week and start fixing that soul thing, losing weight after that should come as a byproduct of you being a happier you! I know you can do it.
Rogue: Krazy Glue would be so much easier :)
Isn't it weird that we can't understand why we are the way we are? That we can't just diagnose ourselves correctly and fix it? I have struggled a lot with why I am so uptight, anxiety-ridden and prone to depression. I hope you figure it out and if you do, let me know how you did it! :-) Take care of yourself!
I want to see my best friend get better. I know how much you are hurtung now and the things that you want in life.There have been so many ups and downs, i want the ups to stay up.... we have got a wedding in a few weeks, we need the krazy glue to stick by then....I wish i lived closer.
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