The Sarah Project

Its been a few days since my breakdown via blogger.

I've gotten emails, calls, and had some conversations with some people. I have support. I just need to ask for it, I guess. Its hard to go to someone when you are having a bad day and offload all of your frustrations. Its not like I'm the only one in this world that has an issue. I'm just not doing a good job of handling mine. Why would I put that burden on someone else?

Its clear I have to work on me....I have to work from the inside out and things will hopefully fall in place. I have to take advantage of those friends of mine that might not know I'm having a bad day (or days) and use those people to help keep my spirits high. Its obvious when I fall, I fall hard.

Its so frustrating to know I am a person who's moods aren't stable. Not that I'll do something crazy to myself or someone else because its not like that. I just get frustrated and am not always the nicest person to be around. Usually, I'm my own worst enemy. I used to be able to handle someone talking down to me. But now, I talk down to myself and if I do that to me, there's no way in hell anyone else is going to help me.

I went to a WW meeting the other night. Not because I'm going all gung-ho on WW, but because it tends to be like a mini counseling session. Actually, I think I like that someone else is complaining about themselves instead of me doing it. The surprising thing is since, I've had two good WW days. I made good decisions---even going as far as re-ordering my lunch. I bought something that was 13 points but just as I was about to eat it I felt guilty, like I usually do. But, this time I decided to order another meal. I got a 6 point sub instead. Yeah I wasted a few bucks, but I felt better overall. Tonight I asked Brian to make supper and asked him to make it in a way that I could better track my points. I feel like I'm putting him (or anyone else) out by asking them to help me. I get overwhelmed because I think I am the only one that can take care of me. Only I can do it the way it needs to be done. All that does is stress me out beyond belief which leads me to get frustrated which leads to me eating to comfort myself.

I made a comment in a previous post about "staying" with Brian. First, let me clarify....yes, a few years ago I stayed with Brian because of the kids. Hadn't there been kids involved he and I would have broken up. But, and maybe God made it work out this way, we worked through our issues. We spent months in counseling and learned SO much about ourselves and each other.

Along the same lines, lets be honest...my weight gain (eating comfort) started two years ago when our drama began. In counseling I learned how to "let go" of stuff that upset me from work and I've grown to love my job again. There is so much stuff that is out of my control its not even funny and whether I bitch and complain about it or not, nothing is going to change. My problem? I did not allow the same to apply to my personal life. Instead, I micromanaged and had to have my hands on everything. I told myself I had to fix everything because no one else could do it better. So, all this time I've been driving myself literally crazy with stress---and usually it was over stupid stuff.

I'm taking advice. I'm going to go see a therapist/counselor. I need to vent sometimes. They like to get paid to listen to people vent. Win win. I'm not writing off my meds. I do need them, no matter how much I try to talk myself out of them. I have a mood issue. I get frustrated and say things, usually while talking to myself, that make me look like a bitch.

I'm not stressing about my weight. Yes, I'm pissed as all hell, but like I just wrote....there's nothing I can do about it right here and right now. In 20 minutes I'll still be 234 pounds. If I don't have the body I'm hoping for on my wedding day....Brian's going to marry me just the same. All I can do is be confident in me, be confident those who love me love me for me....not the way I look. How stupid is this? I have a friend who lost all kinds of weight recently by busting her ass. I'm so proud of her. But a huge part of me thinks I'm letting her down by not doing the same. I don't know why I think that way. Its just the way my dumb-dumb brain works.

I'm going to work at me slowly and surely. I have to do it in the same way I handled work last year. I didn't just walk in to work one day and turn over a new leaf. I didn't just become un-disgruntled. I didn't just stop bitching and complaining. It took time and patience to learn to accept things I can not change and work my hardest to fix those things I can. There were bumps in the road and some days were better than others. But overall, I'm proud of the person I've become as a leader at work. The same will apply to the Sarah Project. It will just take time, patience, and a few bumps in the road.