The Truth Behind the Sarah Project

Its been a rough few days. I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally. It's been draining. But, as of right now (just after midnight, Monday AM) I'm more at peace with myself than I have been in a long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Before I begin, let me say thank you to everyone who has given me advice, comments, opinions, suggestions, made WW meals, etc. You have made those comments, opinions, suggestions, etc., primarily based off information I provided you. Now, let me tell you the truth.

My problems with eating are far beyond having a few too many cookies or one slice too many of pizza. Its not that I don't eat enough vegetables or drink enough water or get enough exercise. Its not because I have PCOS and am on hormones or because I was on antidepressants. I don't eat to just comfort me when I'm upset.

The truth?
I'm a compulsive binge eater. I have been since I was a child.

I'll start with this website. It explains the basic concepts of binge/compulsive eating. Its still rather vague, though. This page gives more specific information about what "we" do. After reading #'s 5, 6, and 7, I started crying and still do every time I reread them.

So, my story....
I've been eating like this since I was in middle school. It worsened when I left home for college. Granted, some of this can be related to being free and out of mom and dad's house. I didn't have to eat pot roast for supper every night, I could have pizza or chicken or Chinese. When I lived on campus I was limited to the pre-determined amount of money on my campus meal card. I didn't have any other income so I didn't really go out to eat. I didn't have a car so I didn't go off campus. But once I moved off campus and had my own care and income, it was game on. Before it was pizza, chicken, or Chinese, but it later turned into most nights it turned into all of the above. I'd have the pizza, the chicken AND the Chinese. I remember ordering (and eating) and ENTIRE Papa Johns sausage pizza (including the garlic dipping sauce) and almost immediately getting in my car, driving to Burger King's drive thru and had some other meal from there. I'd sneak food whenever I could. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and eating a can of Pringles that I had hidden next to my bed. I think I realized I had a real problem, when I was eating those Pringles. It was 2am and I thought my roommate, Rachel, caught me eating in bed in the dark. Up until that point I thought it was just, "Sarah likes to eat," but it got to the point where I was embarrassed of my actions and lied and hid them. Not long after that day, I was 240 pounds. I tell people I used to be skinny then I was fat then lost it. While true, its kind of propaganda. I make it sound like I was thin a lot longer than was true. Over the last 13 years, I have been overweight for 8 or 9 of them.

I talk the world of WW. I suggest it to everyone---it helped me lose 75 pounds. The truth is, the only way I started to lose was because I got a job. In 2001 I started working as an ER Tech at a busy emergency room. I was on my feet 12 hours + a day. I was only supposed to work 3 days a week. What I didn't realize (don't ask me how....) was they scheduled for me for an extra shift, so that made for 4 days a week and then I usually picked up OT. All I did was work and sleep. The money was great. It allowed me to go to paramedic school. During that period, I went to school everyday, an hour from my house, did clinicals at night, and worked weekend nights in the ER. I wasn't around food, but I was stressed to the max. If you ever worked in a hospital or public safety or anything like that you know we don't usually get the meal breaks we are supposed to. Sometimes our jobs just can't be put on hold. While at work, we were short staffed so I skipped plenty of meals. I started WW around the same time with hopes it would help and I lost. Working nights helped because nothing was opened, restaurant wise, and the hospital I worked at was Vegan so I didn't touch anything they made with a ten foot pole. WW worked, but the truth was, I didn't have time to eat.

Eventually, I got hired by the fire department. Shift work was wonderful. I'd work one 24 hour shift then be off for 72 hours. Well, technically, that is how it works, but I started working OT. My ex and I just bought a new place so we needed the money. I think I had figured out one month I worked 28 out of 31 days---and each of those days worked was either a 12 or 24 hour shift. I couldn't eat what I had stashed in my house. My partner was a psuedo health nut so I tried to mimic him, but we had separate bunkrooms. My bunkroom had pop-tarts, chips, Snickers bars piled high on my nightstand. I was eventually transferred to the busiest medic unit in the county. My partner didn't eat and when she did it was like a damn bird. Chips with American cheese on them and chicken fingers. The shift cooked dinner a lot so I ate with them, but I was always embarrassed to eat as though they knew what my issue was---if it weren't for the embarrassing feeling I'd eat 3 times as much as I did. Usually I was saved by the bell--we'd get a call mid-meal. I used to go back up into the kitchen when everyone else was on a call and steal leftovers from the fridge or chips from the bag on the table. I maintained my weight by not eating due to the circumstance of my job not because I was trying.

Two years later, I got a new assignment and a new partner. My partner was heavy and loved to eat. We ate shit--pizza, Chinese... but in all seriousness, I could out eat him any day. Some people go shot for shot or beer for beer---I'd go bite for bite with Mike. The difference was he was 6 foot something and probably over 250-260 pounds. I started to gain. I started to eat comfortably with Mike. I remember being seriously pissed at him when he went on a diet and was eating veggies and fruit. I remember yelling at him---it was like he was my dealer or something. How could he do that to me? I was okay eating like that when he was eating with me. Mike and I were split up in order to train new people and I decided to stop working OT. I needed the break. It was stressing me out and I didn't really need the money anymore. So, I had my 72 hours off to myself.

When Brian and I started dating seriously we ended up on the same shift. I hid my eating from him. So I ate what I wanted when I was at work and when I was home I ate whatever it was we ate. Last year, I was moved to a different shift so we work two different days. That is when it all started again. I figured I was a grown woman with my own money -- I can spend it on whatever I want. I started to eat out. A lot. Then way too much.

My typical day off? Meet Brian and his partner at Denny's for breakfast. Sometimes I'll get something sensible, sometimes not. I leave there and drive an hour home. I take the dogs out, feed them, then feed me. No way I could be hungry, but I usually start with something easy from the pantry. A bag of chips or something. Then I move to the fridge and find some sort of leftover that needs to be heated up. While thats in the microwave I might have some peanut butter on raisin bread. Then whatever was in the microwave. Less than 10 minutes later, I've already consumed enough food for a person for a day.

I go to sleep for a few hours, but as soon as I wake up my thought is food. Disgusted with myself for my actions in the morning I "try" to talk myself into being good. I'll usually post something on the blog about feeling bad and wishing I could lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Around that time I get ready to go out to run some errands. If it ends up like the last day Brian worked I'll stop at Roy Rogers for chicken strips (with dipping sauces) then head over to Burger King for a chicken sandwich value meal with funnel cake sticks. Oh, and while at Roy Rogers I got the 5 piece chicken strips, asking for multiple sauces, saying, "I don't know what kind they want," so it seemed like I was getting the food for someone else. I did stop myself before I ended up at McDonalds for more chicken strips (its not that i like the chicken, I like the dipping) but I was embarrassed the drive thru person would see my other bags so I decided to make a right turn and go home. I got home and saw my neighbors were outside. I combined all my fast food bags into one so they'd think I only went to one place. Home, I had some cupcakes and three glasses of milk before I went back to bed.

I know what I'm doing, but its like I can't stop it. I lie all the time about my food. I lie to myself. I lie to Brian. I lie to anyone who reads this blog. Why? Who would want to admit all of that? Its embarrassing. Its easier to come up with excuses. And it doesn't just happen when Brian's at work. I lie about what I ate before I come to bed. If he's outside working, I'm inside snacking.

So why am I admitting now? This post made me do it. I've been reading her blog for a while and after all the years I've been bitching about weight...she was the first one to admit she had the same problem as me. I hate to say we don't know we are doing it, but its like trying to stop a train. It doesn't happen quickly. I know when my binge starts its bad. But I shovel in as much food as I can for 10 minutes and then its over.

I knew it had a label a few months back. Up until that point I just thought I was a fat ass. I came across this book a few months back and it described me to a T. I gave it to Brian to read so he'd understand what I was going through. It was very discouraging to find it at the bottom of his magazine holder in the bathroom, under magazines from last November.

I think a lot of my posts and blogging was me really trying to ask for help, but too embarrassed to say what the problem was. I knew what the truth was. I tried to tell Brian but I couldn't do it with words, and he didn't read the book. I took his not reading the book as an, "I don't give a shit," and its been a downward spiral since. I made/make several references in my blog about standing up for him and supporting him and others and all I really wanted was someone to do the same. I guess its hard to know how to support someone when you don't know whats wrong with them.

So, this is where the Sarah Project comes in. I don't really know where to go from here. I think I've got Brian on my side now. He didn't know about all of this until this morning. It was suggested that I go to Overeaters Anonymous. That scares me. I don't know if its fear it won't work or fear of humbling myself or what. The only thing I do know is I can't get over this alone. This isn't an eat healthier thing or exercise more thing. If this was alcohol, you'd call me an alcoholic. My drug is food -- I want to overcome this and then find out who the real "me" is. Are my other issues really cover ups for this? I don't know.

To you, Rogue, a special thank you. I don't know you, but you'll never know how you have affected my life, especially over the last three days.