Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm Kate....

Apparently, that is what people are feeling these days. I'm being compared to Kate, the mom on Jon and Kate + 8. Our haircuts are similar, we make the same facial expressions, we get stressed about similar things--well, I don't have 8 kids, so maybe not the exact same things--but stuff like too much light or too many people in a room, we both smack people when we have an idea, we both roll our eyes, we're sarcastic.....I could keep going. I've heard plenty of people say she's a bitch. I don't think so. Maybe its because our personalities are similar....she's just one of those people you have to "know" to understand. I think its funny. So do the people who know me.

My brain is not working and I don't like it one bit.

I just had some serious misfiring in my brain. And, I didn't like it one bit. My accountant asked me to get some financial information about an account I have, so I called the funds customer service. They asked for my account # or SS#. Half way thru the SS # I couldn't remember it. So, I read the acct # to the representative. He then said he had to confirm the SS#. I screwed it up giving him the wrong number. I even wrote it down to read to him thinking maybe my mouth just wasn't working. Nope, I wrote it down wrong. Then, I gave him the wrong phone number. He told me I was close on the SS# which I eventually figured out but consistently gave him the wrong phone number. All the numbers were transposed. I didn't like that one bit. Its a horrible feeling. I remember my Grampy talking years ago when he called someone he repeatedly gave his Army # (which he didn't use for 50+ years) instead of his SS# and was sure he was giving the correct number. We chalked it up to him being old. I'm not old.

I went to a counselor today. I was petrified to go...I kept telling Brian I didn't want to but I finally did. I guess I'm glad...he acknowledged a lot of things I've been feeling/thinking lately. Therapy/counseling is often shunned or looked down upon, but I'm all for it. Its like having a very unbiased friend listen to your problems. I could tell my problems to Brian or Laura and they still seem so bad in my head. As I was sitting there talking to Bob, I swear at times I was thinking, its really not that bad as I think it is. I was actually a little embarrassed even. I'm a "scientific" kind of person, so he explained a lot of physiology/pathologic stuff to me about the brain which made me feel better about why I "think" and "analyze" so much. He gave me the name of some books/CD's to look at to help with that aspect of things. I guess overall, it was a good experience. Nothing earth shaking happened and I didn't solve any of my or the worlds problems, but it was good just to get stuff out there. I walked out a little more relaxed then when I walked in.

Hopefully everything will get on track here and I'll be back to my normal self. I don't want to give the impression I'm a crazy basket case, because I'm really not. I just really stress myself out over a lot of petty stuff. There's been a lot of changes lately. For basically the last 2-3 years I've been by myself and had no one really to worry about. Now I've got an almost immediate family, a house that is not just occupied by me and a cat anymore, work has become 10 x more stressful, I reconciled with some friends I thought I'd never talk to again and lets be serious, with all my WW talk, I've got a baseline issue w/ self-esteem when it comes to my views of weight, etc. Its always a fear in the back of my head, especially when things get stressful. So at least now by talking to Bob, I'm optimistic. Just bear with me for a few weeks of my "Eeyore" type posts and I'll be back to normal in no time. And hopefully back on track w/ WW. Good news...although I didn't WI this week, my bathroom scale said I was 168.8. Its not at the 166 like the last WI, but its below 170 and I'll take it. I'm finding fruit is very helpful and filling. Amazing. They should mention that in a meeting or something. Ha!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Things are looking up....

The kids are here this weekend. Its actually been a very fun weekend. Well, mild stress when I took Bella and Taylor to the mall shopping. I don't shop. I hate shopping in fact. So, there I went, dressed in a U of MD sweatshirt, Adidas pants and sneakers trapsing through the mall with prissy girl #1 and #2. Individually they are more of a girl then I ever will be....put them together and I was doomed. We started off at Limited Too so Taylor could spend her birthday gift cards. Holy hell! Either that place is outrageous or I'm really a cheapskate. $30 for a jean skort! That's insane. The girl will only fit into it for six months. Anyway, it was her money, and for a whopping $50 she bought a skort and a tanktop. I could have found much better things to do with $50, but it wasn't me shopping now, was it? After an hour in there we ended up at Macy's so Bella could spend her gift card. She bought herself a very pretty summer dress. I don't know where she's going to wear it because its, well, kinda fancy, but Bella being Bella I'm sure she'll come up with something. During the time we had "girls day" at the mall, Brandon and Brian were at Sears buying tools. How sad is it that I wanted to be in Tool World or whatever its called?

We met the boys at Double T Diner for dinner then came home for movie night to watch Ratatouille (however you spell that). By the way, thought I was going to love that movie. Not so much. Doesn't even run a close second to the Bee Movie. Everyone went to bed and Brian and I spent some quality time together. (Get your minds out of the gutter...not that kinda quality time...just talking time!!! Geez!) I think we're addicted to HGTV because we ended up watching a bunch of that too.

Today we're playing a lot of make-believe. I've just been told I have to go upstairs to the "library" and check out some books. I already went to the "grocery store" in my living room an hour ago. So I better get moving. I promise today or tomorrow I'll post some pictures from their rooms and some of this weekend if I can find any.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


I guess I haven't had a good post in a while. So here are some updates:

Still a work in progress. The kids rooms are done. I keep promising pictures. Again, another promise. I will post them, I swear.

We finally decided on our bedroom design. Ha, I say that like its really a design and I'm important. Really, I found an awesome down comforter and duvet cover on and we love it. We were going for a linen brown look and keep things neutral, but in the light (Brian's screwed up the whole house with fluorescent/Halogen lights) it looks more gold, but nice. We're going with that. At least we have something to work around, even if it wasn't our original plan. We got rid of a big piece of furniture and a cumbersome TV so the room looks so much more open. We're getting a flat screen eventually for the wall and laminate flooring will be going in. One of these days we'll actually start the project.

The basement.....well, we were close to being done. After all that painting, we decided we don't like the color. (Ugh!) So, now I'm off to repaint. We want that room to be cozy since we spend a lot of time down there, especially when the kids are here.

Patio/deck: I've been procrastinating on that for a while. Why? Because I know its going to cost me an arm and a leg. But it needs to get done. Ugh! Sometimes I miss renting....

I'm still frustrated with it, but I'm dealing. I'm reading stress management books. Ha. I'm actually going to go talk with someone about dealing with stress. I'm letting stress take over me and I'm not a fan of it. I'm sure there are some other underlying issue(s) so I want to get that all straight so I can be, well, less stressed. Unfortunately, certain things, like work, I can't change, so I have to learn to deal.

I've been bad. Well, bad at eating. And, bad at weighing in. I haven't weighed in for about a month now. Schedule conflicts, its raining, the cat needs a bath....I've come up with just about every excuse. And the main one: my last weigh in was 166. My bathroom scale says I'm above 170. Now, I'm pretty sure my WI of 166 wasn't accurate. I mean it was, but that is when my stress really kicked in and I was sick on top of that, so that wasn't my normal eating. So, I don't want to WI and hear "you gained x amount of lbs." That's depressing. I don't need depressing.

I'm doing good. Honestly. I even did PT at work two times this week. I'm sure I can work a little harder than I am, but hell, its a lot more than what I've been doing up til now.

Stress, eating and motivation. Funny, they go hand in hand. Huh. How about that. You'd think I'd use the upcoming cruise (less than a month!!) as motivation, but not so much. Maybe I'll try to start again today.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

#1 Movie of the week.

We just got done watching a Bee Movie. Its my new favorite. I think I'm a 5 year old trapped in an adult body. That is all. Good night.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Most wonderful invention of the day

I came across this on someone else's blog. Some brilliant parent (or a parent of a really whiny kid) is, well, brilliant!! I almost wish I had someone to use it on. Bastard cat.......come here Bastard cat.....its bath time. I think he'll like it. :)

Cry about it.

I'm starting to think a good cry is the best form of therapy. I had a mini breakdown tonight and it was absolutely wonderful. I feel like an idiot, because I was crying to a cat (I love that cat) and a little to Brian, but I feel a million times better. That 10-15 minutes was so worth it. I actually feel a little more motivated (although, its midnight). But, this is the first time in two days where I didn't feel like I needed to stuff my face to make myself feel better. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be a better day. Less food, more motivation, back to my normal self. Actually, before tomorrow, I'm hoping for some real sleep tonight. That would be wonderful!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm a fat ass.

Plain and simple. I don't recall ever having a day of cravings like I have today. Let me paint you a picture of how bizarre they've been:

1. Kettle potato chips
2. Spinach dip
3. Water chestnuts (who the hell craves water chestnuts? And while on the topic are they a true nut?)
4. Vegetable lo mien & egg rolls
5. PB&J (along with the chips)
6. Bakery bread/roll---crusty outside, soft inside.
7. Jerk chicken

None-- ok, maybe the chips--are my normal cravings. I have no desire for pizza. Not for fries. Nothing for chicken fingers. No craving for anything normal. Water chestnuts? I'm a freak.

I didn't give in to all the cravings. So far its been the potato chips, bread (baggette) and spinach dip (conveniently with slices of water chestnuts.) Oh then there was my lunch which was WW friendly, but the Bojangles for breakfast definitely was not. I definitely had more than I should. But, I'm not giving in to all the other cravings even though I want them.

I really need to get myself back on track. I've not been on plan for about 2 weeks or more. Probably about 3. I haven't weighed in either. According to my bathroom scale I gained about 4-5 pounds. Now, there has been a lot of drama lately---stress that made me stop eating and get sick and now I'm on the rebound from that where I started eating and craving again. I'm a little worried because at 2am I found myself in the kitchen eating Weis Jewish apple cake (I highly recommend, by the way!!) I haven't gotten out of bed to get something to eat in forever. It used to be an every night thing, so it worries me slightly.

I know most of it revolves around stress and not sleeping. I went to the library yesterday and got a bunch of books to read about stress management. I also got the book Marley and Me. First off good book so far. Secondly, it makes me want to get a dog. Its amazing what animals can do. I know a lot of people are anti-pets, but really, no matter how shitty a day I've had, Bastard Cat can always put a smile on my face. I truly believe he is the only thing on this planet that unconditionally loves me.

And with that, I'm going upstairs to read and probably fall asleep. I know its bad to nap at 5pm, but I'm dragging here. Hopefully when I wake up I'll want to burn off some of this spinach dip and do a workout DVD. I gotta do something or my ass really will get fat! (well, fatter.)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

NYC, here we come!!!

I know where our next trip (well, the one after the cruise) is going to be. NYC, here we come! Why, may you ask? Well, its simple. I'm on a mission to meet Scott and have him take me on a tour. Oh, I thought Chicago was awesome, this is going to just straight kick ass!!

Oh, but, it gets better. There are TWO tours!! I can barely contain myself!!!

Pizza blog

We've grown tired of our old standby pizza shop. I'm on a mission to find my new favorite piece of floppy pizza. I told Brian I'd investigate online for tomorrow supper. And what did I find? A pizza blog. How perfect! Well, except it has no reviews of pizza places in MD. But still....someone who loves pizza more than me? Enough to make a blog!? Thats just freakin' awesome.

How ironic

So, after all the "yeah, its St. Patrick's Day, don't drink and drive" stuff I wrote, I ended up at a Mexican restaurant last night. I'm a loser. However, I was looking stylish in my, "I'm not Irish but kiss me anyway" t-shirt. We went to Canton to meet our friend Kathleen, who by the way is very Irish (no accent though, boo!). We started at Mahaffey's, which at one point I think Kathleen may have been part owner, where I realized I don't like beer. I looked like a loser in the fancy Irish bar drinking Coors Light from a bottle as everyone else was drinking stuff that looked similar to mud. I tried Brian's watered down mud and it was gross. I smelled Kathleen's and it made me gag. So I finally tried a shot of something from the tap and it seemed okay so I got a glass. Yep, 2 sips later, that was gross, too. And that ended the Irish night of drinking for me. We decided we wanted food, and they were serving only corned beef and cabbage and food of that sort there, so we decided to walk to the square for something else. We ended up at Nacho Mama's. If you couldn't tell, its got a Mexican theme. We stopped in for drinks, (which I had water w/ lemon) and ended up eating fajitas and crab nachos. How very Irish of us. We were so stuffed afterwards, we had no room for anything. We were home by 930pm, I think.

Today, Brian and I had a good day. We got up, and went to my new favorite place, Ugly Muffin. I had a delightful breakfast. Brian's was just okay, but he's willing to go back. I thought for a moment I found my "thing." Sudoku. I stayed at the restaurant for about an hour working on it and then we went home where I continued to work on it some more. Yep, stressed me out. I refused to put it down though. I swear, I must have worked on it for about 3 hours. The downfall is it was only a level 1, which is supposed to be easy. They lied. Its not easy. I got pretty far in today's crossword puzzle though. Better than usual, but that damn sudoku. Ugh. Maybe I need lessons or something. Sudoku school. I wonder if they charge tuition. All that thinking led to a 2 hour long nap. Gotta love sound machines. In my brain, we were at napping in a hotel at the beach. And tonight with the crickets chirping, its going to be a lovely summers night. Although I currently hate my bedroom, I have to say, the sound machine does make it relaxing.

Brian's working OT tonight. I think my night may consist of ironing and a NCIS. How exciting.

WW Update: Lets just not talk about it. I've been working out still. I just can't get the two things to mesh together. Oh well, I'm finding out working out is worth it if I can still eat yummy food. Although, after Brian got talking about our cruise today, I realized I have to go bathing suit shopping. Not a fan of that. Also not a fan of the cost associated with it. Unfortunately, I'm not the size girl that can get my stuff at Target. Any suggestions?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Public service announcement for today....

If you're going out to celebrate the greatest holiday of the year today, find a DD. Anyone (or just about anyone) who's been out drinking and drove to get there I'm sure has been in the situation where you were "less drunk" than someone else so you decided to drive home. And chances are, you got home in one piece, luckily. But today is not the day to find out if you still have a horseshoe stuck up your you know what.

This summer, my cousin, 27, was killed in a drunk driving accident. He and his girlfriend left his sisters wedding rehearsal dinner and then went to another party. Early the next morning, his girlfriend decided she would drive home because she was less drunk than he. According to the newspapers, her BAC was .17. She took a curve too fast and wrecked. My cousin was ejected and pronounced dead on scene. She had minor injuries, but for the rest of her life has to live with the decision she made that night. Not only did she kill (not intentionally) her boyfriend, her psuedo-SIL's wedding had to be postponed. I read yesterday that my cousin said something to the effect of, "it was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. Now if I have kids, they won't have an Uncle Bill." I got an email yesterday saying she was sentenced to 6-23 months in jail. Apparently, my family requested she got a lesser sentence, but no matter how close they were with her over the years and how many emotions are felt, they still feel she needs to face the consequences of her decision.

"She" could be any of us. So if you are partaking in a few delicious green ones today, find a ride take a cab, stay at a hotel or drink green water for all I care. But don't put yourself in a situation where you kill someone else, possibly the person you love the most.

And, while you're out there, if you find a chapping young hottie tottie Irish accent man, give him my number. Oh, yeah, Brian....he knows he can always easily get the boot to be replaced by an Irish accent and today quite possibly may be the day. :0)

As for right now, I'm on to day 3 of my FIRM DVDs. Anna, yes they work. But they suck. They hurt and make you tired and did I mention they suck? They say if you do 10 workouts you will see results (inches lost). I do believe them, its worked for me in the past, but you really gotta like doing them. Which is exactly the reason why I usually get to workout #7 and stop. I got mine at Target. Search "FIRM Believers" and you'll get testimonials about the workouts. Some people have lost crazy amounts of weight/inches on the program.

I need my "thing"

So, I have my "place," Ugly Muffin. Now, I need a thing. What's a thing? Well, its what you do that only you do. Like a stress reliever. It involves no one else. I have a friend that likes to walk the boardwalk, another likes to stab fishing poles in the sand and fish, others drink, someone else has a media/movie room. I just need a thing. I need a de-stressor. I just don't know what it is, which is stressing me out. Huh. Ironic.

Friday, March 14, 2008

It was better.

I just got done doing a FIRM DVD. I didn't hate it as much as earlier in the week. It seemed like it went by faster or something. And, I don't feel as jello-y. That is always a crappy feeling trying to walk up a flight of steps when you're convinced your legs are filled with Jello. Guess I gotta just stick with it. For now, I'm off to find something 4 points or less for supper. Oh and no meat. Gotta love Lent.

Not good. (and the word of the day is stupid.)

How's it been going? Not good. There's nothing else to say about it but not good. Life has been crazy---I've been emotionally eating which I'm mad at myself about and which the "madness" starts the emotional eating to start again....vicious cycle. I'm trying today. Really I am. Downfall is its 3pm and I only have 3.5 points left. Stupid points. I have to work tonight too. Stupid hell weekend. (Its a work thing.) Anyway, I'm trying -- I'm even journaling (which is how I know I only have 3.5 stupid points left) and I'm going to nap and when I get up I know I'll feel like a million bucks. Brian's gone to get the kids, so I get some me time. And, thats going to consist of napping, probably working out (now that I can actually move my legs and sit and stand without too many tears falling) and then get ready for work eventually. Tomorrow we have a family dinner at an Italian place. I'm hoping I keep myself under control. I'm not so concerned about that actual eating out, its all the snacking the rest of the day. No big deal. I can do it. Just a few bad days----gotta get my head back into it. And as for right now, its off to sleepy land. Ahh, can't wait. Nothing like a good afternoon nap.

Oh, and in my day of non-productivity today I watched the Birdcage. Good flick. Gotta give it to Brian---he usually picks some winners of movies, but today he was successful. (About time.) :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Oww, its kicking in!

Its nearly 24 hours later and its just starting to kick in. I got mildly stuck in a chair. Getting out of my car after sitting in it was not exactly cute nor graceful. And here I am, at 830pm, extremely glad to be home from work (I'm supposed to be there til 7am, but found someone to work for me) contemplating whether or not I should do another workout DVD. My WW brain is saying yes, while my lazy body is saying no. Maybe I'll just do a Walk Away the Pounds DVD....something low-impact. Brian told me hes going to start to go to the gym with me. And he actually enjoys the gym so I guess we'll be going. I hate the gym :( If I could only go back to high school and college and play basketball non-stop.....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm not a liar anymore.

I worked out. And, I hated every minute of it. But, I did it and that is all that matters. I'm not a liar anymore.

All I gotta say, if I keep doing the FIRM I better end up with an ass of steel. Right now it feel like that and my giblets (thighs) are going to fall off. I feel like tomorrow I might get stuck on the toilet. I know you know what that feels like. You're so sore you sit down and you're not sure how you're going to get back up. Its okay, you can admit it.....

Monday, March 10, 2008

I'm a liar....

I didn't workout, but I definitely thought about it. Yesterday I posted I was going to workout but the timing didn't so I didn't. Today I'm going to do something. I swear! Stop saying, sure Sarah, whatever.... I'm really going to do something. It might not be the gym, but it will be something.

Brian and I went to the MD Home and Garden show. It was very nice. I got lots of contacts for putting in a new deck. They all offer free design and estimates so I told him I'm going to be like that show on HGTV where they pick from design 1, 2, and 3. Ha, if I could just get someone else to pay for it. I don't need anything fancy, just something practical and that will add to the resale value whenever we decide to move out.

We (at least I think) decided on a motif (well, Brian might not be calling it motif) for the bedroom. I need something relaxing but don't want to spend lots. So, I think we're keeping the cherry bed and nightstands I already had and the walls are going to be a shade of sage green. The carpet is getting pulled up (thank God) and laminate is going down. The linens will probably end up khaki/tan or something. I just pray it relaxing. I honestly get so stressed walking in that room now. We also decided to give in and get a flat screen for the wall. I have a big tube TV now and its so cumbersome. This will allow me to get rid of the big piece of useless furniture holding it up, and hopefully add to the comfort of the room. I have no idea when this project is starting. One part of me wants to put it off since we've just got done (almost done) doing all the other projects. The other part wants to just get it over. Once the basement is all done and the bedroom...oh and the deck, then there are no more projects. Which also means more money in my pocket, finally! :)

WW: been good today. Cheerios & skim for breakfast, lean cuisine for lunch and gnocchi w/ turkey sausage and spinach for supper. And I'm going to the grocery store for a big shopping day. I haven't had one of those in months, I swear. Its my stock up day. No excuses. I told myself I was going to be good for Lent. Easters almost here...I have to be good on my word. Plus the cruise is only a month away!!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Oh, to be a fat girl in a skinny girls body....

I have a mini dilemma. I have always wanted "a place." You know, that restaurant or bar where they know you and are genuinely happy to see you. It happens on TV all the time, so I figure its gotta happen in real life too. Like Gilmore Girls. They had that restaurant, whatever it was called. Same with Seinfeld. They even had a booth. A place and a booth. How awesome is that? I'll settle for a place. Good news! I think I found it this morning. Bad news: SOOOO not WW friendly.

When I moved to Baltimore over two years ago there was this bagel place up the street from my apartment. I tried to make it "my" place but for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. They ended up closing up shop and then I had nothing. A month or so ago, a new place moved in and replaced the old one. First off, they got bonus points for the name: Ugly Muffin. I doubt they sell them, but I want a T-Shirt. If I owned a muffin place I'd name it something cool like that. Anyway, this morning Brian was working a few hours extra and I wasn't completely exhausted, but was hungry so I decided to stop by and see if Ugly Muffin was worth trying. That was the bestest decision I've made all morning. (That means its really really good when you start making up new words.) I got a blueberry muffin to take home, which of course I had to sample while waiting for my omelet. It was delicious. Now, it could have been better if it had the sugar crystals like Costco and BJ's have on top of theirs, but it was good nonetheless. Then there was the omelet. I had sausage, cheese and onion. (WW readers, don't kill me!) OH, so yummy. It was perfect. Nothing fancy, just good. I don't even like shredded hash browns but they were delicious as well. They had this extra taste---I can't describe it but it was good.

So, I found my place. The place I can see myself walking in, getting a muffin, reading the paper, doing the crossword (I guess I better start reading papers and doing crosswords first)....its going to be wonderful. But since there is really nothing WW friendly (no eggbeaters, etc.) its going to be tough. For some reason I'm motivated to start this working out thing again. Maybe I can make it part of a routine. Maybe my morning can start out as a walk and I break at the Ugly Muffin. I don't know, but I think this might be just what I need to get my workouts in. If I plan on stopping by there, I'm going to have to work it off. Otherwise there is no hope for fat girl staying in a skinny body. Its going to be fat girl in a fat body.

Now, if I could just find "my" bar, I'd be set. Not because I'm a drunk or anything....I just want one of those hole in the wall places where you stop by to see who's there, shoot the shit when your bored then leave. Maybe its just the small town girl in me trying to come out again.

Changing the subject, I'm pretty excited. Brian quit his 2nd job, so we will actually get to see each other again so we can stop pretending like we're a couple and now get to do the real thing. He was working close to 90 hours a week. Between all the hours at work and the time when he has the kids, that leaves about 1.5 hours a day to us. The majority of that 1.5 hours was spent winding down before bed and getting things ready for the next day. Now, he will only be working our normal shifts (two 24 hr shifts a week) and probably a little overtime for the extra $$ he needs. Today we're going to be like a normal couple and go out and do something. We're going to MD State Fairgrounds for a Home, Garden and Craft show. He really should have thought long and hard about saying he'd take me there. I have a feeling his honey-do list will likely get much longer......

As for now, I just got home from work and the citizens of Prince George's County didn't let me indulge in any sleep last night. So, its nap time for me.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

I think (I hope) tomorrow is today.

I think my "tomorrow" is today. This is the first morning in weeks that I've got up out of bed and did not dread going about my life (although still not a fan of going to work----saving grace is "spring forward" one less hour for me!). I know I'm being vague and there is good reason for that. There's just been a LOT of aspects from various parts of my life over the past few weeks that seemed to all come crashing down in a domino effect. Some of them have sucked, some have made me nervous, some were just downright odd, but I've learned something from all.

Over the past few years, it seems that if you make it through something bad, there's usually some sort of good. (Or maybe I've just been lucky so far....) I've learned if something seems too easy or you consciously take the easy way out its going to bite you in the ass later on. Getting over any kind of conflict, whether a friendship, boy/girlfriend, husband/wife, family, usually takes a lot of compromise, understanding and most of all, time. I've also learned that stupid saying "honesty is the best policy" is very true. Its hard to do sometimes and the immediate outcome sucks, but overall, its the only way to move on with your life.

When I was English class we used to have to find common themes to stories. I hated that. But now I get it. Through my "stories" of the past few weeks (and some being years) I've learned communication (sooner than later) is key and honesty is the best policy:

A friend and I finally cleared the air from something that happened 10 years ago. We're not going to be buddy-buddy, but at least we both know the truth and why things happened the way they did.

I finally decided to have a sit down and talked to the friend that I posted about a week or two ago. Things by no means are all better, but when I confronted them, they seemed genuinely remorseful (or they're a really good liar). I posted that I wasn't sure if it was worth trying to repair our friendship. I've decided to give it some time and see if things can work themselves out. I'm obviously not calling this person with my deepest darkest secrets or telling them anything I don't want out in public anytime soon, but I'd like to think they just made a really bad judgement error and it was a one time deal. I think its just going to take a lot of time to fix that wound.

Sometimes its hard getting through to other people. Talk about stress trying to get people to see things the way they either actually are or from your point of view. It feels like you're smashing your head against a brick wall. Time is all you can pray for on that one. Its taken years, but I think someone else finally sees things from my point of view.

And then there's my ex-husband. After a few years, we finally were in a place where we felt ready to say what we had to say about our failed marriage. Awkward, to say the least, but that talk was definitely worth it. There was no blame placed. Actually, we took accountability for our own failures. We've both learned from our mistakes and will hopefully learn to use those mistakes for the better. We both realize just how important communication is. We didn't communicate. Honestly, if we did our marriage may have worked, but we were too afraid the "truth" would hurt each other. Many years too late, we both told the other our "truthes" (if that is even a word) and how we actually felt. Maybe its easier to do it now because we've both moved on in our lives---both are in new relationships. The worst that could happen is we won't talk to each other again. But it worked out for us. We are now in a place where if we run into each other at a restaurant we're not going to want to throw up. We can be civil and talk like friends. The biggest benefit to talking to him was that we both agree, no matter how strong our friendship was, we never should have gotten married.

Sometimes it takes a while for the smoke to blow over to see or remember what the base was of any given relationship. Then you have to decide if its worth working to get back to that base.
So, today is my day. I'm moving on. There will still be some rough days ahead, because no day is ever perfect, but I think the last domino has fallen and its time for a new game. I have learned to learn from every situation---learn which ones you want to do over, which ones you avoid at all costs, which you just have to sit and wait for, and which ones you messed up at and will never do again. I guess its like putting your hand on the hot stove. It hurts like hell, and hopefully it will only happen once. That's why they call it learning. If you do it a second time and still don't get it, you need some remedial training.

Out of bad comes good. Now that the past few weeks have soaked in and I'm done crying and bitching, I'm ready to move on. Worst case is something else bad will come up, but I've learned, communication is key and honesty is the best policy. I'm not holding anything back whether its "you have spinach stuck in your teeth" or "I hate you." It will hurt now or later, and I've found the later hurts 100x worse.

Friday, March 7, 2008

tomorrow turns into another tomorrow.

I'm telling you, the past few weeks feel like they're never going to end. I can't really get into all the stress thats been going on around here, but its been crazy. Its the kind where you get tired from thinking, not the running around busy kind. I can't wait til things work themselves out and things get back to normal.

I unfortunately didn't get back into my WW swing. I keep saying maybe tomorrow, but tomorrow turns into another tomorrow. I did do a WATP DVD. That was the first time in a very long time that I've worked out. And maybe I'll do something later, but for now, its off to clean bathrooms, nap and laundry.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Reflections of an ER Nurse/Paramedic

I got this from a friend of mine. Initially it was intended to be from an RN's point of view, but after working in an ER for 5 years and as a medic for just over 3, it definitely applies to both. Definitely makes me giggle a little....

1. Don't tell me you have abdominal pain as you eat Doritos in my triage room.

2. If you come to the ER by ambulance, the first thing that I will ask you is how you are getting home. No, we don't have people on staff to drive you home, and don't tell me you don't want to 'bother' one of your family members at this hour. You had no problem bothering 911 for the back pain you've had for 3 months.

3. You don't get to pick your own IV site. This will irritate me and I will probably miss your IV on purpose and start your site in the place I wanted to initially to prove a point.

4. 'Butterfly' is not an IV size, this word signals me to put in a larger bore needle.

5. Nausea is not a reason to come to the ER. If you are not in severe pain, are not vomiting or pooping your pants in front of me, your butt goes back to the waiting room.

6. How can you have the worst migraine of your life, but be able to yell at me about the wait after you just put down a magazine you were reading?

7. Don't ever say things like, 'I usually get 4 mg of Dilaudid.' Requesting your med and dosage will prompt me to squirt out half of the medication before I inject, and then lie about the dosage.

8. If you are allergic to Tylenol, Toradol, and Motrin, I have already assumed that you are a drug seeker.

9. If you came to the ER having a family doctor appointment that same day, I will make sure that you are still in the department well past the time of your original appointment.

10. I don't care if you are a neighbor of the GI specialist. Unless he drove you to the ER himself, you can't be that friendly.

11. Just because, 'My Doctor sent me here,' does not mean you get right back to a treatment room. This tells me you are a pain in the ass, and he's pawning you off.

12. The louder you whine, the bigger size IV needle you get.

13. Foley catheters cure pseudo-seizures. They also cure intoxicated people.

14. If you are on more than 2 medications at home, bring a list. Don't say, 'You know, that little white pill.' I'm not a pharmacist!

15. RN is not synonymous with waiter/waitress.

16. Don't bitch about missing breakfast when I'm on the ninth hour of my shift and haven 't peed yet.

17. What gives you the right to complain about your sore throat for a week while I have diarrhea from the antibiotics I've been taking for pneumonia and I'm still at work.

18. Broken toes are not an emergency. We'll make you feel stupid by putting a little piece of tape down there and kicking you out.

19. I am currently inventing a trap door system in triage to be triggered when you say the word 'toothache.'

20. Cover your mouth when you cough/belch. This is common courtesy. When you neglect to do this, I am tempted to fart in your room, and then close the door.

21. If you tell me you have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, know that I'm rolling my eyes and thinking you are a loser.

22. If you list Haldol, geodon, Xanax, trazadone, and ativan as allergies, don't tell me you have no psych history.

23. Never sign in with chest pain because you were too embarrassed to write 'penile sores' or 'foul smelling discharge.' This will piss me off that I bumped you ahead of other people and I'll make your visit horrific.

24. Although you've been in the ER four times this week, we cannot list the ER doctor as your family physician.

25. Do not talk to me while I'm trying to listen to your lungs.

26. Don't tell me you have no money for medicine while you have a carton of cigarettes in your purse (next to your cell phone,) and each of your seven children are playing their own PSP's.

27. Gravida 7 (7th pregnancy) at age 22 means you're a slut.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Today was not the day.

Yeah, so maybe tomorrow I'll be good. Today was not the day to start. For no apparent reason I was tired all day. Like full fledged exhausted. I'm thinking maybe because of TOM but that's never really normal, so its hard to say if that's the cause. Needless to say, I was lazy all day. I got nothing done until about 6pm, I finally trekked outside and went to Target to buy all the essentials for the house. That's always a depressing receipt. $136 for toilet paper, shampoo, body wash, razors, etc. Ugh, nothing good.

WW---not good. I've been nibbling all day on leftovers. I think I'll be better tomorrow primarily because I'm pawning all the leftovers on other people. One full tray of ziti is going to work with me, another bowlful of it is going to my old partner. Any dessert is going somewhere I'm just not sure where yet. I gotta get it out of here. I feel like a fat ass today. I swear my pants are snugger and I'm really not sure if that's even possible yet. I guess its possible....all the leftover nibbles, then throw in a mildly stressful phone call and I unfortunately found myself eating a slice of pizza. :(
I'm hopeful tomorrow will be the day. I have to say I was liking the way I felt a few days ago when I was being all skinny like. I even got 3 compliments from people who normally don't say anything. Those are even better. Now I gotta keep up with the compliments. HA.

Of course, I was planning on going to bed around 9pm tomorrow to get ready for work, but its now 820pm and I've finally got energy. I'm half motivated to workout tonight, but I'm just concerned I'll be all energized and unable to sleep. A 24 hour shift with no sleep the night before isn't exactly fun.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Finally, its over.

Finally, there is peace....and quiet. This week is finally over. I'm pretty happy about that for a variety of reasons.

The party went well. There was plenty of good food, if I say so myself. Speaking of which, I'll be ignoring any WW talk. I didn't eat that much but what I did, probably wasn't too good for me. Mom helped me make some food----good ethnic stuff from back home, which is usually lathered in butter. Oh, so delicious. Plus, there was Costco cake. :)

There were lots of people there, from both sides of the family. The kids were very well behaved and I think pretty excited other kids were there to play with. I have to wait for some pictures to be emailed from my dad before I can post them up here. I was so busy with everything else, I forgot about the camera!

The house got almost all done before everyone showed up. The bedrooms were "done" enough for the kids to move in. Its not all decorated, but that will come with time. The kids seemed to really like it. It actually was funny because they used to spend all their time in the basement. Yesterday, we almost had to drag them down there because they wouldn't get out of their rooms. The basement floor turned out nice. I still have a little painting and trim work to do, but it was good enough for our purposes yesterday.
Tomorrow's a new day. Its the start of my new week/month. Hopefully, tomorrow will start a better WW week (but there's so many yummy leftovers....oh, did I mention we went to Miss Shirley's for breakfast this AM w/ Brian's family? Yeah, there is a reason they rave about it whenever they come in to visit.) And hopefully, the rest of my normal life will return to, well, normal. I would love everything to go back to how it was two or three months ago. Seemed stress free back then. Maybe, I just need a vacation.