Saturday, July 24, 2010

Pennsylvania or Kansas?

They say if it rains on your wedding day its good luck. So what does it mean when there is a tornado?

I was running late getting to Laura's house but figured I would be there by 715. I took the most direct route to her house only to find the road was closed because if downed trees. I took another road to find that was closed too. I ended up having to backtrack and take myself a half hour in the other direction to get to where I wanted to be only to find out a tornado ripped through the area. I got to Laura's and found chairs piled up in the front lawn. People were driving away. Apparently, the storm ripped down the tent just as they were putting the finishing touches to the tables. They married in Laura's living room, which I missed. The reception was moved to a local restaurant. The food was delicious-and I did well. Half my plate was cucumber salad and lettuce salad and the rest was ziti and some lasagna stuff. I did have three Mrs Ts pierogies too and four mini meatballs. I had no cake but did have two small Hershey kiss cookies.

So its been more of an adventure than I planned on. I'm back at the hotel now to find I forgot something to sleep in. I have HUGE issues with sleeping in beds other than mine so I'm usually dressed head to toe when I stay somewhere. There is no way I'm sleeping naked so I sporting the dress I wore to the wedding with white socks. Sexy, I tell you. No wonder Brian wants to marry me. With this get up he surely doesn't have to worry about someone knocking down my door. LOL.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Heat Wave

God, I hope it feels cooler in PA than it is supposed to feel here today. 105 with the humidity? Ugh. I hate DC summers. I don't mind the heat, but lose the damn humidity!

Going to a Wedding

I went back and forth trying to decide if I should go to PA today or not. The two concerns holding me back are running into my family and my eating once I get there. The family issue is pretty self-explanatory. The food---well read back to my older posts and you'll see after most of my PA trips I come back like happy as a glutenous pig in lard.

This trip isn't about me. Its about a wedding and the friend who's getting married. Sooner or later, I have to go home again, with or without Brian. "I CAN do this," I thought last night. I just have to make better decisions to do so successfully.

1. I found a Holiday Inn Express about 40 minutes away for $70. I could stay at Laura's house, but I figure if I do it will exponentially increase the chance of me eating too much. Leftovers will be there and I remember how much I ate when her wedding was at her house. I can't afford to do that now. There won't be any issues with where I stayed. My family won't even know I was in town. Plus, by staying in the hotel I will already be 45 minutes into my trip back home Saturday. The hotel is not near a restaurant so I can't drop in for a late night snack nor a nasty breakfast in the morning.

2. I'm bringing my Coleman. Yep, my cooler. I'm going to pack my lunch/snack for the ride up. I'll bring breakfast for the morning and maybe even a lunch for the ride back as well.

My only concern is the wedding buffet tonight. I told you I have had successful days and not so good nights. Its seems like every night since Monday, I've had some sort of schedule issue throwing me off balance. I have been trying to eat before I go somewhere to help me NOT eat more once I get there but that kinda blows up in my face.

My goals:

1. Exercise. Today and tomorrow. I may not get to Planet Fitness today before I leave but I think I could get a few minutes on some sort of cardio machine at the hotel before I go to the wedding. Maybe I'll even dance. LOL Probably not. I'll carry Onyella around or something.

2. Watch the food. Think before I eat. Don't get overstimulated by PA food. And, I gotta watch what I eat prior to leaving. I have to allow myself some extra points for tonight. I can't get to the wedding thinking I'm really only going to eat 6 points worth of food. That's unrealistic.

I'm a little embarrassed to go to the wedding, honestly. I don't know if anyone even pays attention to me, but I feel like all eyes are on me -- "OMG look how big she got." I'm really struggling with what to wear.

I can't hide anymore. I have to get out there and be a big girl (no pun intended) and act like an adult. I hate when people don't hold themselves accountable for their own actions. I've learned I hate myself for not doing the same. Its time I started and I can't do it by hiding inside.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Are You Ready to Work?

Counseling is getting harder. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but in fact, the complete opposite is true. I guess the first few sessions were just informational with a few suggestions thrown in. Maybe today was different because Brian was there. I don't know what it is but I know half way through I wanted to walk out--not because I didn't want to be there but because it got uncomfortable. I'm all about working out my problems. I want to go forward with Zoe's suggestions but its hard to undo everything you've done for a lifetime. At times it seems impossible to change but I really think the truth is it is possible change. An individual has to has to want to do it and work at it.

Zoe's a bit different than other counselor I've been to. She has a very nice way to be blunt. She doesn't sugar coat anything. She sees things for face value and not through rose colored glasses. She was pretty straightforward. We, as a couple and as individuals, know exactly what we need to improve any situation. Its up to us to make the decision if we are willing to do the hard work needed to meet that goal and then achieve it. I think that is probably a true statement towards most everything in life.

I made the decision to do some work.
You know what is better than finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your coat from last season? Remembering the savings account (with $$ in it) you forgot all about. So grateful to be less stressed.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


My best friend's sister is having a last minute wedding on Friday night. (Long story as to why, not getting into it here...) I was invited to come and whole-heartedly want to. However, Brian can't come with as he will be working. I thought my parents were going to be out of town on a business trip to San Antonio, but I've since found out they return Friday. I was hoping to stay at their house since no one was going to be there.

Here inlies the issue: If I go home and stay there, I'm going to HATE every minute of it and I won't have anyone to bounce things off of since Brian won't be with me.

If I stay at Laura's house I'll hear a bunch of crap about how I stayed there and not at my parents.

I could do a hotel and my family would be none the wiser. No one knows she's getting married. I just haven't done this before so even though its awkward for me if I were to stay at my parents or Laura's, its just as awkward to stay at a hotel. The only problem then is that we're trying to save some money -- which driving to and from PA and getting a hotel kind of defeats.

I'm half ready to just send my regards, but I don't want to live my life avoiding my family either. Its just the first time I've had to deal with this since voicing my opinions to everyone.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make adult decisions.

I want to delete everything after 6pm.

New problem: Supper Time.

Ugh, if I'm not eating between 530-600p, I'm a mess. Yesterday my schedule was all messed up because I met friends at Melting Pot for D's "pre-chemo girls night out." I have to say, I was hesitant to go for a number of reasons. It was going to screw up my sleep schedule that I've be vigiliant about sticking to the night before work. In addition, I wouldn't eat supper until closer to 8pm. Both things happened. I didn't even get home til after 11pm and got in bed around midnight. My food got screwed up because of the late eating. I don't think it would have been that bad if we skipped dessert, but I guess what is the point in going to Melting Pot if you aren't going to eat dessert. Secondly, I toyed with the thought of not going to help me out. The more I thought of it, though, if God forbid something should happen to D, I'd NEVER forgive myself for not taking the opportunity to go out with her. So I decided I could inconvenience my life for her because Lord knows her entire life is about to be inconvienced. She is 27 and will be getting a masectomy the first week in August. After that, she will begin chemo. She said her hair will start to fall out between 7-10 days after she begins treatment.

Today I'm at work. I have this wonderful cooler filled with goodies and I stuck to eating what was inside for lunch and breakfast. I didn't bring it with me this afternoon on the medic unit assuming I'd be back around suppertime so I'd be fine. Well, at 545p, we're still sitting at the shop getting our AC fixed. Add the fact that I was tired and that made for a bad combination. Instead of eating the meatloaf and mashed potatoes I brought, I ended up next door at the local BBQ place eating pork BBQ sandwich (minus the bun), a little thingy of cole slaw, a few forkfuls (I really don't know how much but I know I threw most of it away) of mac and cheese and maybe 6 steak fries. I was so angry with myself after. Granted, I did tell Brian I didn't really want my supper -- I didn't plan it out well because I had a leftover burger for lunch and meatloaf is so similar....but still, thats no excuse.

As for tomorrow's events? Counseling bright and early. And Brian's coming with....

Monday, July 19, 2010

Planet Fitness

Loved it. I had such a good time there. Its like its a quick workout. Its not, but I think because everything is so spaced out and theres not a lot of people it isn't stressful. It doesn't feel like you are waiting for someone else to finish on a machine or anything. I had a serious case of boob sweat going on so I definitely did a good workout. Its been about three hours and the ache is starting to set in. Its a good ache though. I'm looking forward to going back. I just have to remember to bring the headphones next time There are TVs on the cardio machines. I'm not a good lip reader.

Hesitant and fearful

I write this post with hesitancy because I've written it so many times before. This time, however, I feel I am truly in the right frame of mind, have the support that is needed, and have the want to succeed. The past month has been a crazy learning experience with a lot of soul searching thrown in. I've learned to face demons I have pushed aside for 10-15 years. I've made decisions that were uncomfortable but nonetheless much needed. I still have HUGE challenges ahead of me, but I'm growing more and more confident in my ability to make the right decision and stand up for myself in the process. I've learned to not use food as a crutch but as the energy for which it is intended.

I still have bad days where I fall into the "easy" trap. While I've come a long way in scheduling when I can and can't eat, eating tired is still an obstacle for me. But it is something I will learn to deal with...I just didn't learn how yet in four weeks.

So, with my hesitancy and fear of failure, I am getting back on track. I'm going to start journaling my food so I'm aware of what I'm eating during my meals. I'm joining Planet Fitness this afternoon. For those of you not familiar, its a no frills no fuss gym, costing just $10 a month with no contract (SO fits in our tight budget) but gives me everything I need. Its big in my hometown area and I haven't met a single person who dislikes it. My home gym has 80 cardio machines, a bunch of weights, a free weight area with weights from 5-65 pounds (keeping the body builder intimidating type away) and a circuit area, similar to what Curves has to offer for a 30 minute workout. Its open 24 hours so when I get my 2am bursts of energy, I can go to the gym. Plus, they offer a weight lifting class for free where members work with a trainer in teams of four. I don't know if I'll take advantage of that right off the bat, but it is something I may consider once my confidence grows a little bit more.

I'm totally fearful of failing as I've done so many times in the past. I'm optimistic however that this time IS different. I'm not planning on doing anything as a quick fix or an attempt at a quick fix. This is a life time journey and I know its not going to happen overnight.

I have no big goal, other than to become healthy and lighter. I'll know I've reached my goal once I get there. And I'm sure along the way my goals will change.

My first goal? It was not to gain weight for a month.

Check it off the list. This past month was the first time in two years where I have not gained weight within that month.

My next goal?

October 3, 2010 is my wedding day. That's 11 weeks away. I want to not be embarrassed to look at my wedding pictures. While I may not be the size 10-12 I was at my first wedding, I want to be a little bit toned and happy looking. I'm not going to associate a size dress or pounds lost with that goal. Its going to be what it is, but I know I'm going to work my butt off to get there.

Everything will fall into place. I just have to keep reminding myself that and stay positive. Negativity is my evil.

Friday, July 16, 2010

that was a first

Woken up by a 3.7 magnitude earthquake a little after 5am today. That was weird. I'm ok if I never feel one stronger in my lifetime.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I now pronounce you....

I think we found someone to marry us. He sounds like he'll do it but he just has to review a few more things before making the final decision. Soooo, it might be a little premature, but I'm super duper excited so I'm going to say it anyway....

I've asked my old partner, Mike, to become an ordained minister and marry us. He's got the BEST personality in the world. He can make anything funny without trying. I was at work complaining to co-workers about how expensive it is to find someone to marry us. Like $300-500 for a 10 minute ceremony. We've both been married. We've both been divorced. We both don't really practice our religion. We're both probably going to hell for all of it. So, we figured we'd just have a civil ceremony to make it official.

This one girl started talking about her wedding and said this guy we work with married them. I was shocked because I didn't know he could do that. She gave me information about how to become an ordained minister and it was 100% legal and you can pick who you want to marry you. I told Brian the story, without mentioning Mike's name, and his immediate response was Mike's name.

I talked to him today and it sounds like he'll do it. He said he's a little nervous about the actual ceremony part but if we could figure out what we wanted he'd probably do it. He said he'll give me his 100% answer in a few days. OMG, it will be the perfect wedding if he can marry us. I'm sure it will piss someone off but thats definitely okay in my book. He's worth it.

Seriously? How bad could bad news be?

There's this girl, D, I know from years ago while I was in college. We weren't exactly friends at the time but we hung out in the same circle. Actually she's one of those people I look at now, about ten years later, and wonder, "how are we still in contact with each other?" I guess its because we have mutual friends. I don't know all of the details of her life but she was always encapsulated by a drama bubble. There was always something going on.

Anyway, with Facebook, we stayed in contact with each other but I have to say it's a weird relationship. Like a weird online dating relationship. LOL. She and I could message each other back all day long about everything under the sun, but if you were to put us in a room together it would probably be super awkward and we'd have nothing to talk about. But, I saw her grow up over the years. She's got two sons by two different fathers. I saw her marry and divorce. She grew up and got her shit together and get a job to support herself while going to school. I'm a few years older than her and I guess I always looked at her like she had a lot to offer but didn't take advantage of it--she got sucked up into her environment. I guess I felt kinda like mini-mom to her. Not that she came to me for a lot but I always had encouraging, "there-there," words for her and just hoped she'd get herself together.

A few weeks ago I got a message from her saying she got a job at a hospital near my house and was looking to move in the area. She said she and her sort of boyfriend (baby daddy) were splitting up and they were both going to have separate apartments in the same general location. I recommended a few places and a few days later she wrote back saying she found a spot and we'd meet up. She told me she was starting nursing school and I can honestly say I was quite proud of her. She wasn't taking the easy way out---she was doing what she had to do for her sons.

A few days later, I was out with my bridesmaid, Melissa (a mutual friend), and Melissa received a text saying they (Melissa & her husband and this girl and her boyfriend) had to meet up to talk about something important. D wouldn't say what the issue was---Melissa poked and proded but D wouldn't budge. The only thing we knew (and I don't know D knew I was with Melissa) was that she wasn't pregnant and wasn't getting married. A few hours into our day we decided whatever it was--it couldn't be that bad.

That was until we found out what it was. Melissa and her husband met D and her BF. I didn't know the meeting occurred--not that I really needed to be in the know. At that poing, I was more nosey than anything. Anyway, a day later I received a FB message from D that said something along the lines of, "I hate to give you bad news first thing in the morning, but I'm not moving by you. I found out the other day I have breast cancer so XX and I are staying together for now while I start chemo. We're going to rent a townhouse by the hospital where my treatments will be."

Holy shit. Are you effing kidding me? I'm 29 and she's probably 27, maybe younger. She told me she went from she and her baby daddy signing separate leases on apartments, quitting one job and starting another, getting accepted into nursing school and finding out she had breast cancer within 7 days or something crazy like that.

I don't know tons about breast cancer so anything she says is news to me. I did find out its Stage II and they are debating whether she should have a masectomy first, then chemo, or vice versa. Hell, at her age she should be worry about finding a babysitter for her kids so she can have a night out or something, not worry about if she should get her boobs chopped off now or later.

Last night, I got an evite from her to have a "pre-chemo" girls night out at the Melting Pot. Isn't it sad it takes someone having a deadly disease before we can decide to be adults and do something fun like that? It brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

So, any extra prayers can be sent her way. I'm calling her D because I don't know who reads this blog and who knows her and if she's told everyone she wants to. But I'm sure if you talk to God and say you're giving a prayer for D he'll know where to send it.

Oh, and her son's 3rd birthday is today. Her other son is 6 or 7.

I think its been almost a month update.

This is my official update with absolutely nothing official to say. I'm still doing well in the binging department. I mean I'm not binging---maybe once a week. And even so, they are getting shorter with less food.

My body feels better. I "feel" like I'm getting smaller, although I stepped on the scale for the first time in a while and I'm at 232. I was a little bummed, but then I got over it. Its been an interesting few weeks. I went from eating nonstop and gaining just as fast to cutting out nearly all binging and taking accountability for myself. I'm feeling better about my body but I think thats more of a mental thing that I think is physical, but really isn't. That doesn't make sense, maybe. I think I'm finally looking at myself in a not so negative light and accepting me for who I am right here, right now. I know I have plenty of work to do, but I'm doing it the right way now and its going to take time.

Along the "me" lines, I can see other improvements. Like I decided to finally color my hair last night before I went to work. I was the type of person that needed to have my hair color if there was only 1/4" of roots showing. Yep, me in my wanna be white trashiness went about five months without hair coloring. Yeeeaah. Attractive baby. Add that to a hair cut that was growing out and I can see why all the guys flocked to me. LOL. I also find I'm getting dressed more. Not that I roll out of my house naked but I would spend a lot of time in PJs. Now I'm wearing real clothes again and do my hair and put make up on. I think one of the best things I ever did was empty out my closet. There were no reminders of clothes I used to fit into. That cut out a huge emotional stressor for me.

Speaking of wedding dress arrived today. All $45 of it! :) Its just a simple white dress which they only had a size 22W left. I bought it. I'm going to get it altered to fit perfectly. Plus, I'll feel good knowing I had to get a dress downsized, even if its because I bought it way too big.

Therapy is going well. Next week I'm bringing Brian along with me. Zoe thought it would help me if he was able to hear her opinion about me and my needs if they came from her. She also wants to look at us as a couple---not because something bad has happened, but to give us tips/tricks to avoid conflict now and in the future. If therapy wasn't so much damn money I'd tell every couple they should go. Lord knows everyone's got something to work on. And, Zoe thinks theres a few things that Brian can learn about himself---stuff from his childhood/past that made him who he is today. Its no secret that he's made some interesting choices in his lifetime. She feels she can pinpoint how he got to those decisions and help ensure he doesn't repeat the things he shouldn't be repeating again. So, she's like my all-in-one life coach. She's going to fix me, Brian, and us as a couple. She's going to fix our finances and thinking about money. She's going to teach us to look at each others as equals and not have a constant power struggle -- or a parent/child relationship. She seems to have a lot planned. I'm actually very much looking forward to going with Brian to see her. I don't know if it will help Brian, but just him being there will help me.

So, now where do I stand? Now that I've got my eating habits a little more under control I'm going to focus more on what I eat. Initially I wanted to work on a schedule and getting used to the full feeling. I feel pretty comfortable with it all now. I know on a normal day I have to eat breakfast (time varies depending on what time I get up), lunch between noon and 1pm, supper between 5-530 and a little snack before I go to bed. I'm not hungry in between those times so I haven't been snacking. And if I feel the urge to eat I've been eating pineapple or pears.

My SIL started a new blog in which she posts recipes she's made recently. Its motivated me to try some of the stuff she posts as well as try some recipes I have laying around. I'm also on a quest to limit my eating out. One meal a shift at work if ABSOLUTELY needed---like two shifts ago I brought catfish for lunch. I had it in my lunchbag but I got stuck on a fire for two hours and missed lunch. By the time I got back to the car and got to a firehouse for lunch it was quite apparent that catfish and 104 degrees and 110% humidity, even with an ice pack, did not mesh. So, I let myself get something to eat. Brian and I have cut out all eating out on our days off with the exception of one night every week or two where we will have a date night. And even then, we're going to pick a place that we can get a discount from our Entertainment Book or something. It saves $ and forces us to try new places.

The other thing I'm trying to do, and I can't remember if I posted this already somewhere else, but I'm trying to order entrees instead of sandwiches. I'm notorius for ordering a sandwich and fries. I figure if I get an entree it will cut out some of the carbs from breads/rolls. Plus I typically won't order fries as a side with an entree sandwich, no fries, no extra lard for Sarah's ass.

I feel very on track. I think I'm finally handling this in a successful way. Its been a month now, I guess and I can tell changes. In the past I'd be pissed if I didn't drop 10 pounds and even more pissed when I found out I gained an additional 10. Now, I'm just happy being happier. The rest will fall into place.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What a Waste

I'm at the point now where I know what full feels like. I know if I eat even a little bit more I will be at the point of overfull. I know that I physically do not need anymore more food. Here's my new problem, if you want to call it that.

Let's take tonights supper, for example, shall we? I went to Jason's Deli for supper. I ordered a Philly Wrap (chicken, provolone, onions, low fat honey mustard on wheat wrap). I got steamed veggies as a side. WHAT A FREAKIN' WASTE OF MONEY, FOOD, and TIME!! It was gross. The wrap was not good. The veggies---ugh. NO flavor whatsoever. And now here I am, a half hour later, full but with a bad taste in my mouth. There's a Chinese menu attached to the board in front of me screaming, "order me! Order me!" The old Sarah would. This Sarah even thought about it, but talked myself out of it because I'm not really hungry. But dammit! Grossness should not be allowed when you are only eating one meal at supper time, not two or three like the old Sarah would.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Session #2

I had therapy session #2 yesterday. It got a little emotional which I wasn't exactly ready for. I think I tell myself I'm okay and "over" stuff when I guess its pretty evident I'm not. I associate most of my issues with my father. But, it was interesting to learn I have maybe more issues or resentment towards my mother.

I explained a lot of scenarios to Zoe (the therapist). She's good in the way that she lets me talk for about 45 minutes of our session and the final 5 she gives me her input. Its never a, "you have to" do this or that kind of talk but more of a, "what you're telling me is...," and, "what I'm hearing is...." kind of scenario. So the final five minutes wasn't so much of the, "your dad's an ass," as it was, "you're resentful and angry at your mother for allowing him to do that to you. You need to stop helping her and start helping yourself." Wow.

She went on to explain that as children we aren't supposed to be the ones helping our parents. (At least not til they are old and sickly.) Not to say it doesn't happen but parents have children to raise and help them. Usually, if a child is "helping" a parent prior to that its because the parent isn't strong enough to do so on their own. At the point where a child realizes a parent needs help, its usually too late or the parent is so set in their ways they won't change. I have to agree, at least in my situation. My mom isn't suddenly going to see the way my dad treats her/us. And even if she does, unless she suddenly gets a Superwomen personality, she's not going to do anything about it. Zoe suggested I stop focusing my attention on "fixing" my mother and moving on. She said I need to fix me.

I told her I was fearful that I would turn into my father and Brian's kids (and my future kids) would resent me. I told her I'm always wondering if they are okay or are pissed at me for disciplining them, even though that doesn't keep me from doing it. She gave me about a few scenarios and I told her how I would/do handle them and my feelings behind them. She told me to stop and think when I have a moment where I want to ask the kids if they are okay. In reality, I need to be asking myself if I'm okay because all I'm doing is placing my anxieties on them. She said I'm trying to trick myself and at the same time the children will respond in the way I'm acting towards them. I know that from my job. If we as medics don't act all excited around kids, they tend to stay calm or calm down. I guess I never thought about it in my real life.

She asked how I felt with punishment/discipline since that was a big part of my life. I told her I know that punishment can only be so bad. Like in my personal experience: I couldn't go out for a school year. I found plenty to do in my house. I was allowed to babysit and I made all kinds of money. So, when Brian and Nancy decided to ground Brandon twice for lying, I agreed at first. But once week 2 started, it got me thinking. Brandon wasn't upset. The punishment didn't really bother him. So I went in his room and had a chat with him. He acknowledged his punishment wasn't bothering him. He couldn't watch TV. That just made him start playing with Lego he didn't touch for months before. I tried a different approach. I asked him what really happened and why he lied. It came down to his teacher would give his homework (notebook) back to him early in the day and he'd stick it in his desk, ultimately forgetting to bring it home with him. He was afraid to tell the truth, fearful he'd get in trouble. The punishment for two weeks (actually three total) didn't make him remember or make him want to stop lying. We thought of ways he could remember him homework, without putting the responsibilites on his teacher. (He wanted to ask his teacher to hand him the notebook at the end of the day.) For the remainder of the school year, we didn't have a problem.

Where am I going with that story? I was told all my life my dad was just like my Pop, and I'm just like my dad. I believed that. I believed my punishment was justified because thats how my dad was punished. But it never, ever solved the root problem of whatever it was I did wrong. Zoe said a lot of parents were "trained" to punish their children by their own parents. She said it takes a strong parent to sit down and listen to their child's concerns because they may be uncomfortable. So while I started to fall into the "easy" trap of punishing the kids, I decided to think back to how I would have wanted it to be with my parents. Zoe confirmed that our behavior, although learned, is not set in stone.

We discussed my relationship with Brian and how we communicate. I feel its improved over the past few weeks because I confront him with my feelings before they become a big deal. She told me to be aware to not bombard him with, "You need to....," or "you always do...," or "you," anything. She said I have to work on saying, "I feel...," to get my concerns across. However, Zoe warned me that even though I'll be less accusatory by saying, "I feel...." its not going to make Brian feel any better. I'm still telling him something I don't like and he's apt to get defensive. She said, and I've learned, its going to be hard to stand up and say something that bothers me and then have Brian (or anyone for that matter) still get a little mouthy to me. She told me ways to stand my ground without being a bitch. I gotta say it feels so much better. I had to do that three different times at work last shift and I felt so relieved after. I stood my ground, I made a decision, and I stuck with it even though it may have pissed someone (or three people) off. At work, I'm in a position of authority. She told me to remember that and be firm when I have to. For my personal life, I have to remember to stand up for me but be mindful of the relationship as well. I have to remember that everything isn't about me, but that I need to look out for me instead of trying to worry about everyone else.

I kind of already knew this but she suggested I work on a schedule for consistency. She told me to basically have my meals set in stone. If its not X time then I shouldn't be eating. Pretty straightforward. I need to make a list of things to do for a day and my day should revolve around getting those things done, not sitting and sulking. I agree.

So, the last five minutes of our session is a bit overwhelming but blunt. I agree with everything she's said, so far. And as far as being a co-worker's MIL? I'm cool with it. She knows that aspect of my life and can relate to it, so its almost like I'm talking to a friends mom in her living room.

Overall? Its working. Thank God.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Week #2

I'm improving. Not in leaps and bounds, but its getting better. It definitely has not been easy but I am trying my hardest to listen to my body.

In the weight department: I have no idea if I gained or lost or stayed the same. I didn't go to WW this week because of work conflicting with my meeting date. I find my focus shifting from weight loss to overall wellness. I'm not saying I'm giving up on weight loss, but I'm focusing more on the global "me." I want to be sure my foundation is good and stable. Thinking like a house---if the ugly concrete is slowly crumbling, its only going to hold up the fancy house for only so long. Once the foundation falls, all you're left with is a fancy house in pieces.

As far as food goes, its been hard but I'm seriously thinking when I eat. I stop when I'm full. Actually, I can't do that yet, so I've been eating a portion of the food in front of me, then stopping. If I'm hungry still ten minutes later, I'll eat more. If I'm at a fast food place, I get either a kids meal or the smallest portion they have. I haven't had fries in over two weeks. I've been substituting mashed potatoes, baked potatoes or veggies for them. I've been hiding fruits and veggies in my meals to make sure I get everything in that I'm supposed to. I'm chosing snacks like the dietitian taught me to hold me over until my next meal. If I'm craving something I have a similar substitute so I don't overdo it. Like chicken fingers, lets say....I have a bag of Tyson breaded chicken strips in the freezer. I'll pop two (serving size) in the oven or microwave and mix it with some lettuce, reduced fat cheddar, sunflower seeds and lite honey mustard dressing. It takes me some time to eat it, so its not like I can eat 5 strips in 5 minutes that way. I'm saving $$ because I'm not going out the door spending $ at some restaurant. And, I am still eating what I'm craving but within reason.

I haven't literally wrote down my feelings before I eat like my therapist said to, but before I eat ANYTHING (not just pre-binge), I pause and think about it. Its been working. Sometimes, I find I'm eating because I'm tired. Novel idea....when I'm tired I'll take a forty minute nap on the couch. Before, I'd eat instead of sleep and all I ended being was full of food and guilt and still be tired.

I can say I have only had two binges this week. As you can tell from a previous post, I'm confronting issues. I tell people the truth no matter if its going to go over well or not. I'm not a bitch about it. Like this morning Brian and I were cooking breakfast together (we cook half and our neighbors cook half....then we go to their house for brunch) and I heard myself say I was getting frustrated about how I didn't have much workspace. In the past I'd keep quiet until I blew up on started yelling. I could be wrong, I think I said it to him in a way that he was able to adjust something without getting his ass chewed out. I don't know about him, but I had an enjoyable time cooking breakfast with him. Its something we did years ago together but after lots of fights we avoided the event all together.

I feel like Brian and I are getting closer. We are communicating better. It feels like he's finally listening to me. Now, whether there has actually been a change or its just the way I perceive it, I don't know.

Brian told me last night I'm doing better now that I'm back on my anti-depressant. LOL. I'm not on it. :)

Brag Time

I have to brag a little. I thought I was awesome for finding bridesmaid dresses for $39.99 at Burlington Coat Factory. Probablem was I had to drive all over God's green Earth to find all the sizes we would need. I was short one size 14 dress. But.....I found and won it (new) on Ebay for $5! Total of $10 with shipping. Next time I have to be a bridesmaid I will refuse to wear anything that costs less more than $42! :)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Confront, don't cope

Brian sent my parents a message telling them about my situation and asked for their support. My mom called me this evening, not knowing if I knew Brian sent her the email. She was just feeling me out to see if I'd talk.

I did. Boy did I. And I probably pissed her off, but I had 12-15 years worth of stuff to say. RFor the first time I said what I REALLY meant. Not examples, not scenarios, but real issues. Most of it was about my dad. No big surprise there. It wasn't stuff like, "I'm mad dad grounded me for a school year," or, "he hurt my feelings." Once I got rolling, I couldn't stop. It was like my eating only it was words coming out, not food going in.

I told her to stop defending things my dad did to hurt me or my sister. I told her to stop defending what he did to her (mom). Its not appropriate for only his feelings, opinions, values, etc., to matter. I told her it saddened and hurt me to see my sister and mom be taken advantage of by him. She continued to defend him and justify all of his actions. I really feel bad that I had to do it but I reminded her of the day Grampy, her father was buried. I didn't want to hurt her by bringing it up but I had to show her what I was talking about.

I just looked back and can't find a post about it. I guess I spared my dad's reputation in case family was reading it. As you'll read later, I don't care anymore.


August 27, 2008

We buried my grandfather in the morning. As the ceremony ended, my mom grabbed on to me and told me she wanted to go with him to be with him and her mother. (Grandma Jeannie dies when my mom was 16.) I had to drag her away whispering in her ear that she needed to stay with us for me and my sister and Brian's kids and my sisters future kids. My mom was a mess. After going to the luncheon my parents, Brian and I went to my parents house. We were spent. It was a long few days for Brian and I, and an eternity for my mom after caring for Grampy for so long. We changed clothes--actually maybe we didn't even get that far. We were sitting in the living room when I heard my dad ask Brian if he'd drive him to this town 30 minutes or so away. Brian dutifully said yes. My father then started spouting off to my mom, "where's the title? I need it now. I can't get a replacement now and I need it to get the other bike."

I'm sorry. What?

Yes, a bike. As in Harley-Davidson. Right now. Three hours after burying her father, my mom is crying and scurrying around the house looking for the title to a Harley that "needed" to be traded in so the new one could be picked up. Today.

Pardon my French: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

My mom does what he asks....sometimes with an attitude but she does it. She searched all over three floors of the house for the title while he sat in his chair fiddling on the laptop. I lost it. I went off on him about how she just buried her father, says she wants to go with him and be with her parents. As her HUSBAND, all he is concerned about a fucking motorcycle. I can't remember exact words but I want to say he made some comment to the likings of, "are we going to sit around here all day? We aren't doing anything else." Its justified in his head.

He left. Mom and I napped. A few hours later he returned with a new white Harley. One, we found out, he didn't even like the ride of because it vibrated a lot. He didn't know this because in the fury of his hasty purchase to have the new best thing he never took it for a test drive. Oh, and did I mention this purchase was made in the amount of time it took my mom to snoop around the ladies section at the Harley shop? She came to meet back up with him and thats when she found out he bought the new bike. I guess when you're making a purchase that fast---before your wife is finished trying on some leather chaps or whatever it is you get at a Harley store, you wouldn't have time to go for a test drive.


So, I pulled that card on my mom. I didn't want to hurt her but I had to do something to her to make her realize, if even for a second, how he hurts people to gain self-righteousness. Now, maybe I wouldn't be all that upset the day I bury my dad, but if the day I bury my mom Brian says to me, "Sarah, I'll be back, I'm going to go pick up a new truck," Shelley better have her spare bed made up because he won't be living in my house any longer.

She started crying and said she understood. She stopped defending him. She couldn't talk bad about him, although I heard her say a few, "yeah that hurt my feelings." I'm not asking her to talk bad about him. I don't expect her to stop defending him.

Actually, I'm not asking her to do anything other than for that moment in time to take a step back and acknowledge that she defends him and that he hurts people. That and when she defends him it hurts my feelings because I don't understand its okay to defend him and his actions but talk shit about me when I confront him. I don't expect her to stop. I just need HER to understand why I can't be involved with him anymore.

My family is all about protecting or avoiding confrontation with one person. He knows that. That gives him the power he wants. I told her I'd love to tell everything face to face to my dad. I really would. But I really have to weigh out the benefit vs. the frustration of it all. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't admit he has faults. Nothing would change.

My mom told me she supports me and wants me to do what I have to do to get better. I told her that may mean cutting all but a thread of ties to my dad. She told me to do what I have to do to make me better. She knows I have to do it. It hurts me, but I have to do it.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for you. Who cares if feelings get hurt? No one thought about that before they hurt yours.

I wrote that on my facebook page the day I found out my dad wanted to hire my ex-husband without talking to me about it first. Initially it was just a comment venting my feelings. Now I'm starting to think of it as a motto. I'm not saying I'm going to go around and be a feelings squasher, LOL. But, I can't keep letting certain people hurt me and get away with it. They don't care about my feelings and how their actions affect others? Then, I'm done worrying about protecting yours and hoping you'll change.

I'd like to think I'm sorry to come to that conclusion. Instead, I feel some relief.