Monday, July 19, 2010

Hesitant and fearful

I write this post with hesitancy because I've written it so many times before. This time, however, I feel I am truly in the right frame of mind, have the support that is needed, and have the want to succeed. The past month has been a crazy learning experience with a lot of soul searching thrown in. I've learned to face demons I have pushed aside for 10-15 years. I've made decisions that were uncomfortable but nonetheless much needed. I still have HUGE challenges ahead of me, but I'm growing more and more confident in my ability to make the right decision and stand up for myself in the process. I've learned to not use food as a crutch but as the energy for which it is intended.

I still have bad days where I fall into the "easy" trap. While I've come a long way in scheduling when I can and can't eat, eating tired is still an obstacle for me. But it is something I will learn to deal with...I just didn't learn how yet in four weeks.

So, with my hesitancy and fear of failure, I am getting back on track. I'm going to start journaling my food so I'm aware of what I'm eating during my meals. I'm joining Planet Fitness this afternoon. For those of you not familiar, its a no frills no fuss gym, costing just $10 a month with no contract (SO fits in our tight budget) but gives me everything I need. Its big in my hometown area and I haven't met a single person who dislikes it. My home gym has 80 cardio machines, a bunch of weights, a free weight area with weights from 5-65 pounds (keeping the body builder intimidating type away) and a circuit area, similar to what Curves has to offer for a 30 minute workout. Its open 24 hours so when I get my 2am bursts of energy, I can go to the gym. Plus, they offer a weight lifting class for free where members work with a trainer in teams of four. I don't know if I'll take advantage of that right off the bat, but it is something I may consider once my confidence grows a little bit more.

I'm totally fearful of failing as I've done so many times in the past. I'm optimistic however that this time IS different. I'm not planning on doing anything as a quick fix or an attempt at a quick fix. This is a life time journey and I know its not going to happen overnight.

I have no big goal, other than to become healthy and lighter. I'll know I've reached my goal once I get there. And I'm sure along the way my goals will change.

My first goal? It was not to gain weight for a month.

Check it off the list. This past month was the first time in two years where I have not gained weight within that month.

My next goal?

October 3, 2010 is my wedding day. That's 11 weeks away. I want to not be embarrassed to look at my wedding pictures. While I may not be the size 10-12 I was at my first wedding, I want to be a little bit toned and happy looking. I'm not going to associate a size dress or pounds lost with that goal. Its going to be what it is, but I know I'm going to work my butt off to get there.

Everything will fall into place. I just have to keep reminding myself that and stay positive. Negativity is my evil.

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