Thursday, July 15, 2010

I think its been almost a month update.

This is my official update with absolutely nothing official to say. I'm still doing well in the binging department. I mean I'm not binging---maybe once a week. And even so, they are getting shorter with less food.

My body feels better. I "feel" like I'm getting smaller, although I stepped on the scale for the first time in a while and I'm at 232. I was a little bummed, but then I got over it. Its been an interesting few weeks. I went from eating nonstop and gaining just as fast to cutting out nearly all binging and taking accountability for myself. I'm feeling better about my body but I think thats more of a mental thing that I think is physical, but really isn't. That doesn't make sense, maybe. I think I'm finally looking at myself in a not so negative light and accepting me for who I am right here, right now. I know I have plenty of work to do, but I'm doing it the right way now and its going to take time.

Along the "me" lines, I can see other improvements. Like I decided to finally color my hair last night before I went to work. I was the type of person that needed to have my hair color if there was only 1/4" of roots showing. Yep, me in my wanna be white trashiness went about five months without hair coloring. Yeeeaah. Attractive baby. Add that to a hair cut that was growing out and I can see why all the guys flocked to me. LOL. I also find I'm getting dressed more. Not that I roll out of my house naked but I would spend a lot of time in PJs. Now I'm wearing real clothes again and do my hair and put make up on. I think one of the best things I ever did was empty out my closet. There were no reminders of clothes I used to fit into. That cut out a huge emotional stressor for me.

Speaking of wedding dress arrived today. All $45 of it! :) Its just a simple white dress which they only had a size 22W left. I bought it. I'm going to get it altered to fit perfectly. Plus, I'll feel good knowing I had to get a dress downsized, even if its because I bought it way too big.

Therapy is going well. Next week I'm bringing Brian along with me. Zoe thought it would help me if he was able to hear her opinion about me and my needs if they came from her. She also wants to look at us as a couple---not because something bad has happened, but to give us tips/tricks to avoid conflict now and in the future. If therapy wasn't so much damn money I'd tell every couple they should go. Lord knows everyone's got something to work on. And, Zoe thinks theres a few things that Brian can learn about himself---stuff from his childhood/past that made him who he is today. Its no secret that he's made some interesting choices in his lifetime. She feels she can pinpoint how he got to those decisions and help ensure he doesn't repeat the things he shouldn't be repeating again. So, she's like my all-in-one life coach. She's going to fix me, Brian, and us as a couple. She's going to fix our finances and thinking about money. She's going to teach us to look at each others as equals and not have a constant power struggle -- or a parent/child relationship. She seems to have a lot planned. I'm actually very much looking forward to going with Brian to see her. I don't know if it will help Brian, but just him being there will help me.

So, now where do I stand? Now that I've got my eating habits a little more under control I'm going to focus more on what I eat. Initially I wanted to work on a schedule and getting used to the full feeling. I feel pretty comfortable with it all now. I know on a normal day I have to eat breakfast (time varies depending on what time I get up), lunch between noon and 1pm, supper between 5-530 and a little snack before I go to bed. I'm not hungry in between those times so I haven't been snacking. And if I feel the urge to eat I've been eating pineapple or pears.

My SIL started a new blog in which she posts recipes she's made recently. Its motivated me to try some of the stuff she posts as well as try some recipes I have laying around. I'm also on a quest to limit my eating out. One meal a shift at work if ABSOLUTELY needed---like two shifts ago I brought catfish for lunch. I had it in my lunchbag but I got stuck on a fire for two hours and missed lunch. By the time I got back to the car and got to a firehouse for lunch it was quite apparent that catfish and 104 degrees and 110% humidity, even with an ice pack, did not mesh. So, I let myself get something to eat. Brian and I have cut out all eating out on our days off with the exception of one night every week or two where we will have a date night. And even then, we're going to pick a place that we can get a discount from our Entertainment Book or something. It saves $ and forces us to try new places.

The other thing I'm trying to do, and I can't remember if I posted this already somewhere else, but I'm trying to order entrees instead of sandwiches. I'm notorius for ordering a sandwich and fries. I figure if I get an entree it will cut out some of the carbs from breads/rolls. Plus I typically won't order fries as a side with an entree sandwich, no fries, no extra lard for Sarah's ass.

I feel very on track. I think I'm finally handling this in a successful way. Its been a month now, I guess and I can tell changes. In the past I'd be pissed if I didn't drop 10 pounds and even more pissed when I found out I gained an additional 10. Now, I'm just happy being happier. The rest will fall into place.

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