Saturday, May 29, 2010

The New and Improved......ME!

Let me tell you how much I love my shrink with the bad toupe. I LOVE him. He's fixed me. Well, I don't know if fixed is the word but he's made me feel so much better. You know how good it feels to FINALLY have a doctor listen to YOU? Novel concept, isn't it? He's taken my history of depression and linked it to my hormonal issues. Basically he's saying when one worsens, so does the other which, he feels, explains why everything seemed to fall apart at the same time for me.

He thinks I'm bipolar I get the lows (more anger/frustration than sadness) but don't get the mania. Its more of a mood disorder, as he described it to me. He lowered my dose of antidepressants because he thinks they have wiped me clean of any emotion and started me on a med that is actually used a lot for seizure patients. He said it will help the "neuron connections" in my brain which will calm my anger/frustration issues. Has it ever. I don't claim to know the physiology behind it all, but Lord knows its working. Brian said I'm back to joking around and being myself. I know that I feel like I can take on half the world---not the whole thing yet---baby steps. I'm just so happy to feel emotions--good and bad---again. That one commercial on TV for Seroquel...the one where the people "blend" in with the background. God, is it accurate. Its like you're there but you aren't. Like there's supposed to be a button you push to feel or show an emotion but you can't find it.

You know what's even better? I don't feel like I have to eat all the time. I started using to track my food intake because I was cheating on WW too much and I'm actually eating only about 1400-1900 calories a day now. Some times, I have to remind myself to eat. There's days where emotion takes over a little when I'm really pissed off. Or like last night when we were drinking with the neighbors. I wasn't drunk by any means, but I felt like I had to eat so I did a job on Dominos. There's still going to be some habits/traditions that need broken. I also have been faithful about drinking water. That has been a life saver. Its amazing how full water keeps you. Now, if I could just stop peeing......

Monday, May 24, 2010

Moving right along

Well, we have a tentative date: October 3, 2010.

How exciting! I put a hold on a place that provides catering, a pavilion/gazebo and has everything else we want: basketball courts, horseshoe, playgrounds, etc. I think it will be perfect for the type of celebration we are hoping for. It definitely won't be a stuffy wedding, thats for sure! Like I said, we're have the date on hold. We're just waiting to get a quote back for everything. As long as its not something extreme, I think it will be perfect.

I started looking for dresses. I'm definitely on a budget for that. I told the girls I had "preview" some ideas I had that I'm willing to take from the budget of the dress to add to the budget of the cake! I said I was joking but deep down I think I'm completely serious!

The caterer provides homestyle cookies as a dessert, so I don't think we have to go overboard with a big cake. But, I did run the idea by Brian to have a bride and a grooms cake. The catch is the bride gets to pick out the grooms cake and vice versa. I think its pretty unique and will be a surprise for us when we get there. I'm trying to get a co-workers wife to make the cake for us. She was on WeTV in a cake competition last year. I haven't had her fancied up cakes, but Pat has brought in leftovers to work and holy cake, Batman, they are super delish!! (Amy, it might just kick the shit outta BJs.)

Things are coming along. I hope the quote isn't too steep---once thats over everything else will be a breeze. Well, I guess I better find someone to marry us.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover

When I moved away from home I left behind some of my closest friends. I assumed friendship would come easily, but I found out over the past twelve years, thats not really the case. Don't get me wrong....I had some wonderful friends over the years, but few were the kind of friend that you could call last minute for a favor or someone you could just walk in their house unannounced. Years ago, Marshall and I had great neighbors who were just that. We'd bounce from house to house, literally jumping decks sometimes, but when we moved on to our next house, it seemed like we all moved on with our lives as well. They divorced, just as we did, and we haven't been in touch much since but I'll never forget memories like our trip to Nashville, tailgaiting at concerts, hanging out at the beach, and taking care of each others pets.

About six years past and I wasn't able to kindle a friendship quite like that. I'm happy to say now, we (Brian and I) have been able to do so with our new neighbors. They are the kind of people you call in a pinch. They'll do ANYTHING for you. We send our kids to their house and they send theirs to ours. They are exactly what we hoped for in neighbors, and now friends. Their house is a full one. Its kind of like the house for wayward souls. The "parents" have let their kids move in and out and have always been supportive no matter the circumstances. Its a relationship I envy.

Its funny how friendship works. I don't want to think I'm high and mighty or better than anyone else, but I guess no matter how much I say that, the truth is I have judged people, one being my neighbor's daughter. She's had a troubled past, to say the least. When she moved in their house shortly after we moved in I NEVER in a million years thought we'd hit it off. She was had a past with drugs, was in jail and went to rehab. She's scarred and tattooed. She's exactly the kind of person I thought my "clean slate" self would be never be friends with. I can say now, I was wrong. We have turned out to be great friends. I've seen her grow over the past year. She is a great mother and friend. I've learned the story of her past and even if I don't agree with it, I truly understand how she got to where she is. There is no blame or placing fault in the things she's done in her life. She's focused on being a good mom now and its quite apparent.

We have discussed her past addiction and its funny because the scenarios that lead her to use weren't too different than mine. Its just that instead of turning to food or drink to comfort and numb herself, she turned to illegal substances. Her challenges with keeping clean aren't that different than we have with trying eat well and lose weight. She can't go where she used to go. She can't hang out with those she used to hang out with. Wanna talk about a lifestyle change? She's done it.

Will she stay that way? I hope. I hope by being her friend and showing her how good life can be by staying clean will motivate her to do so. Its just ironic how the person I thought I'd never be friends with because of outward presentation really isn't all that different than me.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The story behind the ring....

We discussed getting engaged in passing over the past few years. I told Brian I didn't want any sappy, romantic proposal because I'm not that kind of girl. I told him I wanted to be surprised, too. Brian's not a good liar. He thinks he is but I can see right through him. Anything else he's tried to surprise me with over the years I either completely knew or suspected.

the other morning I was sleeping and I heard Brian come home from work. I heard him take the dog out to play and stomp around the house in his supposed "quiet" footsteps. We were to meet our neighbors for Sunday brunch buffet (my favorite) at 11am. I'm not sure what time it was, but through my sleep I could hear Brian walking up the steps and I knew it was time to get up.

Those who know me, know I am NOT a morning person. Unless its for a call at work, you'll never see me jump out of bed for anything. So, it takes a little coaxing. (My sister used to have to pull my eyelashes or cover my mouth and nose to wake me up for school when we were young.) I felt him start to rub my back and whisper its was time to get ready for brunch. I moaned and rolled over. He sat on the bed and did a little more talking, when the dogs decided to jump on the bed. I started to complain about how the dogs were so bad the night before when Brian said, "Remi, what are you chewing on?" Then I heard, "what is this?" I asked what it was and he told me he didn't know and showed it to me. I opened one eye, which was blurry, and I asked, "where did he get tin foil from?" Brian said, "its not tin foil, take it." I grabbed it and realized it was a ring. Brian kneeled at the side of the bed and smiled. My first words? "Are you proposing?" He said, "yes." I said, "shut the F*(& up. You're joking. No, seriously, Brian." Brian kept telling me it was for real, but I kept repeating, "no, seriously, Brian. This is a joke." Eventually he asked if I would answer him and I answered with a "YES!" but continued repeating the same few statements and questions. Two hours after the proposal I was still asking if it was a joke.

So, that's how it went. It was perfect. I'm still so surprised. Its the first thing Brian was able to surprise me with. He did so good. So good, in fact, part of me still thinks its a joke. And I love that Remi was "involved." The ring, to be clear, was never actually in Remi's mouth.

I started looking at places for the wedding and actually have narrowed it down to a few local venues. We talked about going away, but we want as many invitees as possible to attend so we decided to do something local and go away after. We're still ironing out details. Hopefully, the planning will go smoothly.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Guess who's getting married.....

This girl, right here! Yep, I'm officially engaged! Brian proposed to me this morning.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Kudos to you Mr. Tattoo Man

Earlier today, I saw Brian's cousin became a fan of Little Vinnie's Tattoos on Facebook. I'm kind of an undercover tattoo fan. I have one myself---sad to say a tramp stamp---and I'm sure I'll get another in my lifetime. I used to think tattoos were just for biker guys, gang members, and well, anyone hardcore. But, after the media got a hold of the art of tattooing and now you see everyone out there with a tattoo sleeve it seems you may be in the minority if you don't have a tattoo.

Here's my theory on tattoos: They're permanent. Duh. But if you get something that tells a story or marks a milestone its something that can be remembered or honored for, literally, a lifetime. The only reason I haven't another tattoo is because I haven't found a reason to yet.

My tattoo is of a tribal butterfly. I got it years ago, and to be honest, I still love it to this day. I got the "tramp stamp" positioning (low back for those of you who may not know) because I wanted it in a spot that could be concealed. I'm not against those who show off their tattoos, but personally, I wanted mine to be for me, not for everyone else.

I got the tattoo for mainly two reasons:

1. I'm competitive. Don't tell me I can't do something.
My sister has multiple tattoos. To me, they're all in places that hurt really bad. I don't know that for a fact but they just look like they'd be ouchy. I don't really know what all of hers mean and to be honest, I shouldn't. Its her body. It's her story. She's been through plenty in her short life and maybe her tattoos are a documentation of it all. I know when she and her husband were to marry she got a tattoo that matched one he already had on him. I think it was his "sign." I'm all for that. So she didn't want Jimi tattooed on her. God forbid they break up and then she and everyone looking at her will be reminded of her ex. But an Aquarius sign or whatever it is will remind her where she's been. Yes, she'll know what it is, but everyone else doesn't.

God, I'm starting to type like I hold a verbal conversation. Talk about going on tangents. Anyway, back to being competitive. My sister, mom, dad---everyone---said I couldn't handle getting a tattoo. Well, add my name to that list because I didn't think I could handle it either. I went back and forth about getting one and after a family taunt I finally decided to just do it. I searched forever, it seemed, on the Internet looking for just the right tattoo. After I found it I printed it out and carried it with me as my neighbor and I went to that tattoo parlor. We arrived and just walking in there scared the crap out of me. I made Theresa get hers first because I was too chicken shit to do it. But, I finally gave in which brings me to....

2. This was about me. It was my story. I haven't told anyone about my tattoo meaning. Its a tribal butterfly. I'm not a girly girl and can be rough around the edges and abrasive at times. I wanted something that represented me. Feminine with a bad attitude? Maybe that's a bit much, but you get my point. At that particular point in my life I finally was finding myself. I transformed myself from this overweight, cranky, miserable, just making it by girl to someone who was losing weight, taking care of herself, and loving every minute of it. I was turning into my own little butterfly. I got the tattoo on my lower back, not for sexual or attraction purposes by any stretch of the imagination. I got it there so it could be concealed, but it could "grow" with me. I knew I wasn't going to be the same size forever. Weight changes, pregnancies, butterfly was sticking with me through thick and thin (literally). Because I decided to get all black ink there wasn't a risk of stretching of colors or distortion. My butterfly's wing span would grow with me.

I'm not going to lie. It hurt like a bitch. A quarter of the way through I almost made the guy stop. But then he yelled at me (not very business like, but much needed. I think he would have slapped me had it been Kosher to do so.) and I quietly sat still, biting my thumb, for the remaining 40 minutes. When it was all done I had my permanent story on me.

In typical Sarah fashion, when I started this post I had no intentions of telling you my tattoo story. I really was going to tell you about something I think is truly awesome at Little Vinnie's Tattoos. But, it all ties together.

Upon checking out their website, I found this tattoo parlor does nipple and areola tattooing. Yes, I was curious, so I checked it out. AMAZING. That's all I can say. They transform what could be quite possibly the most de-feminizing (ok, I made that up) experience of a woman's life (losing a breast) and made it feminine. When woman lose a nipple---these guys tattoo one back on. Natural? I would NEVER in a million years have guessed the nipples/areolas weren't the real thing.

Like I said, I think tattoos tell a story. Now, women who have to go through such a life changing event and be reminded of it EVERY single time they change, shower, or see themselves nude can be really be reminded they survived their ordeal. Natural breast or not, they are still a woman. Kudos to you Mr. Tattoo Man.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cranky Fitness----if it were a gym, I'd totally join

If what you're doing is out of proportion to the rest of your life, it will end up hurting you in the long run.

Trying to get rid of that last ten pounds is admirable. So is trying to run a marathon by your fiftieth birthday. BUT! If your obsession with or attention to those things are making you miserable every time you look in the mirror, or taking you away from things which ought to be more important, you need to moderate. You might reach your goal by being obsessive, but you won't be happy about it.

I found that on this blog, which it seems is no longer being updated. Boo :(. Really, that page was TOTALLY my kind of humor.

I'm still trying to find my "love" for cardio, which isn't coming easy, but I've been trying to get some strength training in. I'm using what I've got---a whole bunch of extra weight--- to work with. I've got an extra 60 pounds I'm carrying around, so I might as well put it to good use. I've been doing chair squats which is totally confusing the dog who is trying to sit with me, lunges using Rio as my balance beam, and plie squats which look funny but feel soooo good. I'm doing tricep dips off the coffee table and pushups with my Swiss ball. Then there's my jumping jack spurts. I'm trying to do jumping jacks for a minute at a time throughout the day. I figure they have to add up.

No, this is not the workout that will probably get me in super shape, but for now, its what is working for me. The way I see it, I can try a bunch of other stuff I hate and totally give up or I can work on these things which I actually enjoy and work up from there. Its got to be better than laying on the couch.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What a day.

Found out the kids are moving this summer. An hour away. Back to the area we just moved from. Yea.


What is the proper etiquette procedure for handling the following situation?

You're dad asks your ex-husband, whom he loved and adored as a son, to start working for him again, without running it by you first.

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I guess maybe I shouldn't worry. He already has the ex-boyfriend working for him.

Smokey Mtns

First off, I have to show off my little man's first school pictures. How freakin' cute is he? I could eat him up.

Secondly, I get to spend a few days with him, Ryan, and Sydney (and their parents) this fall in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. We will be staying here and I can't wait!! It's going to be so much fun!

Monday, May 10, 2010

An OBX wedding

I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful Lisa looked. Their wedding, from the hair, to the dresses, to the tent outside the beach house, looked like it was ripped out of a bride magazine.

I have to say, I was a bit surprised. I thought the wedding was going to be much more laid back than it was. It was, I guess, in the sense of there not being tuxes and high heels, but I guess I thought it was going to be more of a BBQ/cookout kind of wedding.

Before I jump to the wedding, let me tell you about the days leading up to it. We had a blast. Its been years -- like I was a little girl -- since I was on any kind of vacation with family other than my parents. I was a little guarded, I guess, since it wasn't my family we were going to be spending so much time with. I don't know why I even let myself think that way because by the end of the vacation, we were all saying how we should do this again next year.

We arrived Wednesday around dinner time. Brian and I said our hellos and went off to dinner and the grocery store. I was a little concerned about my eating down while in the beach house so I wanted to be sure I was prepared. After having a phenomenal supper and picking up a few things at Harris "Tweeter" we came back to the house to relax. Everyone else but me relaxed. I have stupid anxieties about houses/hotels that aren't mine so I was a little freaked about sitting on the furniture and laying in the bed. The next day I woke up a different person. Most of the day was spent laying poolside working on my tan. Brian BBQ'd for everyone at supper time and the night was spent playing dominos and other games. I started to go a little stir crazy the following day, so Brian took me for lunch and a drive. We ended up on the beach, as you can see from my earlier post, with the wild horses.

I don't even know the word to describe that. It was amazing, but at the same time I felt guilty for parking our SUV on their beach to take pictures of them like they were some freak show. I guess I never was forced to think of their environment before. Its not like a zoo where they are taken care of. These horses don't receive medical treatment or any dietary supplements other than what they find in the sound.

A few more hours were spent poolside before the rehearsal dinner. OMG! Let me tell you how beautiful the groom's mothers beach house was. Beautiful! Hardwood floors, fancy furniture, granite countertops. Aunt Denise was right....although we had a nice house, Mike's mom's house made ours look like the slums! In true North Carolina style, NC BBQ was on the menu for the night. Now, thats my kinda food. Cole slaw, cornbread, salad....I'm drooling now thinking of it.

Saturday was wedding day. I swear, the weather was always on the Internet or a TV for the days leading up to the event. Saturday's weather was perfect. It was sunny and hot. Actually, it would have been more comfortable if the sun had a cloud to hide behind once in a while. I was so embarrassed to have sweat marks on my dress--like I was the only one sweating or something. The ceremony was short and sweet. The officiant was WONDERFUL. I wish I could import him for when Brian and I get married. The wedding party was beautiful, even Bella, their yellow Lab. A member of the wedding party, she was the wedding's comic relief by stopping to take a pee while being escorted down the sandy isle.

Like I said, the wedding was perfect. The reception was wonderful. I can honestly say this was one of the few formal events I've been too where all of the food was delicious. Instead of a cake there were cupcakes. Grandma and Pop-pop cut lose and were out on the dance floor many a times. The bride and groom's son, Mason, was ADORABLE wearing a little tie just like the groomsmen.

Overall, the vacation was wonderful. And I'd do it in a heartbeat again. The only downfall was the drive. Six hours isn't long, but I got a bit antsy in the car. Brian and I talked about having a similar wedding, but less fancy. We'd probably do something poolside instead of beachy. I have a thing for sand. Its an option. Whatever we choose will be relaxing and fun. But, I doubt I'll look as beautiful as Lisa did.

You mean alcohol has calories?

Even the ones that taste oh, so delicious, running down your throat on the hottest of hot days? I guess I thought I was immune to counting those calories/points. I mean, hell, we were on vacation. Nothing counts on vacation! Til you come home, I guess.

Eating wise, I thought I did well--"thought" being the key word. Bri and I went to the store and stocked up on healthy snacks. I even ate fruit, people. On vacation! We ate out only once a day, making sure two of our meals were at the beach house. Every morning I had Cheerios, a banana, and skim milk. But, as the heat turned up, I turned to my drinks. Ugh, they were so delicious.

Can I tell you about the pineapple upside down cake martini? You know, the one with the graham cracker crumbles on the rim of the glass? I don't have the faintest idea how many points it was worth. I know it ended up being $9 down the drain. Although delicious, it was so sweet it was nearly impossible to have another. At the wedding, where it was 90 degrees on the beach, lemonade and vodkas did the trick. I wanna say they didn't use Crystal Light. Actually, I think I could see the sugar crystals at the bottom of the glass once emptied. Then there were the 5 point Smirnoff Ices, since I don't drink beer.

Lesson learned, my friends. Alcohol can squash good intentions, in more ways than one, I'm sure. Although my eating wasn't so bad, the scattered "waste of points," as I'm now calling alcohol, was just that -- a waste.

Friday, May 7, 2010


 This place is awesome. Today we drove on the beach and saw the wild horses. It was amazing. I also learned where the saying, "hung like a horse," originated.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

To any of you who actually follow my weight loss, I didn't weigh in this week. I was so preoccupied with getting stuff done before going to OBX I truly lost track of time and missed my weigh in.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

OBX, here we come!!

We are on our way to OBX! I've never been before and I'm very much looking forward to it. We'll be spending the time with Brian's family, as the reason we're going is his cousin's wedding. I've known plenty of people who have been there before and all say they love it. I looked online at some of the homes and I can see this being "my" vacation spot. I'd much rather rent a house than a hotel. I like being able to cook, etc. Don't get me wrong, I like eating out, etc., but there's something about being able to wake up and have a bowl of cereal in your PJ's beachside that works for me. Plus, having lots of people around is a plus.

A few years ago, Marshall and I got in on a beach house in Ocean City that Missy organized. God, I can't even remember how many people we had in the house, but it was a blast. There were nights we went out drinking. Some we spent all together. Then there were the nights where, "we'll see you later," was the theme and we all went our seperate ways and talked about it in the morning. With the exception of an ant problem in the kitchen we had a great house. It was cozy---I remember Marshall and I coming back to bed early one morning after being out to find a guy curled up sleep-talking in his John Deere clad bed. LOL. It seems like forever ago. So much has happened since then!

I hope this trip turns out to be just as memorable as our stay in Ocean City. This will be my first "family" trip, but I'm optimistic it will be wonderful.