Starting Day 4

I woke up wondering what was for breakfast, as I usually do. What normally happens is I eat my "first" breakfast in front of Brian, he'll leave to do something and then I'll eat my second breakfast sometime later. I doubt he ever knew. Its not like he's counting slices of bread, although I have been known to leave a knife with peanut butter out on the counter a time or two. It used to be so bad that as soon as he'd walk out the door I'd head into the kitchen and start munching. I recall a few times where he would come back into the house because he forgot something and my stomach would drop because I thought I'd have to explain my second meal. I'd come up with all kinds of excuses--I was starving, it was my period, I even used the line that I had to eat because of medicine.

My mom has been an insulin dependent diabetic since she was a child. Our house was healthy. We weren't to the extreme or anything--she took care of herself by the foods she ate. Growing up in a diabetic household plus in the logistical area I did...well, I didn't have opportunity to eat out. The closest fast food place was about 30 minutes away. There were a few mom and pop restaurants in town, but it wasn't like you could just pop in and grab something. But, it wasn't that I didn't think about it.

Maybe this happened or happens to everyone, but I recall being SO excited when mom went grocery shopping. We used to go to Shop-Rite. It had to be way back when because I remember her standing in line to get her check approved before we even went shopping. Wow, times have changed. Anyway, we'd go all over the store and fill up our cart. The guy at the deli always gave me a slice of cheese and a slice of German bologna. That was my favorite part. I'd come home and help mom unpack the bags and put food away. We lived in the world of Tupperware, so everything went in some sort of container. I'd pour stuff out and nibble as I went. Hours later when things were put away and mom was off doing something else I'd sneak back into the kitchen and break open the containers. Grocery day was the best day because I could eat a little of everything. Although I've gained some self control I still love grocery day. I have learned to stay away from some foods---I can't buy deli American or bolgona because I go right back to my childhood.

My parents used to make fun of me because I'd eat two meals before I went to bed. My staple was PB&J with chips and then whatever else was laying around. I bet Mom wished she kept the Tupperware because they used to complain about me taking the noisy chip bags out of the cabinet "trying" to be quiet. Everyone blamed hormones and getting older. I was extremely active with sports -- I'd play serious basketball anywhere between 5-8 hours a day spread out, of course. I'd play with the boys and I played tough. I'm sure I burned most of my caloric intake.

I can honestly say I don't know what hunger feels like. I know what good tasting food feels like. I posted before I cheated on WW. I had to stop using the skills my dietician gave me because I COULDN'T stop eating. I don't really know what "full" feels like. I know what over-full feels like and that is my norm. I would eat until I felt like I was seconds away from vomiting. To be clear, I have NEVER purged. The thought of puking disgusts me. I have taken laxatives. I started that about two years ago when I was having all my GI issues. I suspected I was gaining because I started binging again. I started taking laxatives to clear my system when I realized I couldn't go to the bathroom. Granted, I had a legitimate issue but all that did was give me another excuse to blame my weight on. Then came depression, medicine, tiredness, etc.

Now, I'm not going to say everything I wrote in this blog over the past couple of years was a lie. I do eat more when I'm tired and upset or annoyed. I won't eat a container of ice cream....I'll eat non-stop until I feel like I'm going to puke. I used to go to sleep after I ate--usually because I was so full my body would need that time to digest.

My attempts at weight loss were sincere. I'd do good for a few days and then something would trigger a binge and the cycle would start again til I started to get embarrassed and felt like shit then I'd be back at a WW meeting. I KNOW WW works. I've lost with its help (and the fact that I didn't eat) and I've seen friends lose on it. But I never journaled just how much food I ate. There were times that I'd use my 35 extra points before supper time on my first day back to WW. I couldn't face the numbers anymore so I just stopped journaling.

Brian made me feel more guilty than my ex-husband did. My ex "helped" me without knowing it. He liked junk food too. A different kind than Brian. Brian can sit an eat desserts all day while my ex-husband would chow down on Doritos or Cheez-Its....or some kind of cheezy cracker. He drank Mountain Dew all the time. With the exception of maybe two Sprites, I don't know if I've ever seen Brian drink a soda. My ex and I started the tradition of going out for appetizers. I LOVE the taste of most anything fried. I love even more, dipping anything fried into any kind of sauce. My favorite used to be the appetizer sampler from Applebees. Although after running a few calls in Applebees kitchen while I work, the thought of the place makes me want to gag now, thankfully.

My eating worsens with drinking. If you've ever been at a bar with me, you know I can eat NON-STOP. The alcohol inhibits my "embarrassment" so I'd use my drinking as a coverup as to why I'd eat so much. I try not to drink too much now. I can usually control my eating when around people other than Brian, but once I'm home, it would look like a tornado swept through the kitchen.

I'm learning things about myself. I'm learning about my cravings. I don't really crave pizza, I crave sauce and bread. I crave vinegar--mustard, BBQ sauce, most of the things I dip in. I crave mayo (I know...) and cheese, but not like cheese from a pizza. American cheese usually (I know, Brian, make your faces now). The pizzas back home are made with American cheese. Its like heaven on Earth for me. Sauce, bread, and American cheese. When Laura was getting married, I went to her house a few days early to help her set up, as the wedding was in her front yard. Instead of cooking we ordered a few pizzas. Way more than was really needed. Whenever I was the only one around I'd shove (literally) another slice in my mouth. When I went to my parents house to sleep they had pizza, too. I ate more there. Three days later, the day of Laura's wedding, I gained enough weight that my dress didn't fit. When I left MD my dress fit PERFECTLY. The day of the wedding it kept bunching up over my belly and hips and I had to keep pulling it down.

The best way to describe me.....you know how you eat and gain weight on a cruise--like 10 pounds in a few days? That is me everyday. I never thought I ate much on a cruise---because honestly I was eating the same amount that I did on a normal day, just different food.

Anyway back to my doing better---I'm learning what I crave and I'm working with it. I find I'm not really craving diet Pepsi (with the exception of a fountain one, first thing in the morning). I'm craving flavor. Over the past four days I've found unsweetened tea does the trick. I drink a boatload of tea and it fills me up and its harder, but not impossible, to eat more. I drank so much diet Pepsi over the years that I associate it with foods. Like pretzels. I love diet Pepsi and hard pretzels.

Before I eat, I'm trying to take a time-out and think about what I really want. Last night I was craving floppy pizza and a turkey sub. So, I went to the pizza place and got two slices (one of pepperoni and one cheese) and had them cut eat in half. I ate two halves, ran some errands and a few hours later decided to go to Subway to get a turkey sub. I chose Subway because they use light mayo and is fairly low in points. I made sure I had enough points for the day for both items. Because I slept all day (day after my shift) I slept through lunch so I had plenty at nighttime.

Brian suggested when I get a craving to go do a lap or two around the circle out front. It worked last night before bed. I'm blogging a lot more because that is keeping me from the kitchen. Work is still tough. Basically being outside my comfort zone is tough. I mean, hell, I'm only four days in.

It was said to me that my binging isn't an eating disorder. You are entitled to think that. But, let me ask you, how much different is my binging than binging and then forcing yourself to vomit afterward. That has a fancy name of bulimia. I'm not bad enough where I'd make myself vomit. Like I said, the thought and smell disgusts me.

I read somewhere that being a compulsive eater is much like having an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I agree. A saying I read was something along the lines of overcoming substance abuse is like locking a tiger in a cage. Overcoming an eating disorder is like locking a tiger in a cage and having to take it for a walk three times a day. Its not like you can just stop eating.

As for my eating...
I'm doing better. I told you about yesterday and today so far has been pretty good. I'm fearful to sneak food because I'm sure Brian is watching now. I don't like that feeling---not Brian watching me, but that I still want to go empty the pantry. Its only 10am so I've got a lot of day ahead of me. My mornings are often good until the afternoon. I have to remember to keep taking a time-out before I do anything stupid.