I should have kept a running tab of how many times I type "I'm doing WW this week" or "todays a bad day." Ugh. They've all been bad days lately. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why. I mean I know I have issues with stress eating and all. Hell, it happened tonight. We went to a retirement dinner tonight and a very touchy subject came up and I could say nothing. All I wanted to do (besides change the subject as quickly as possible, which even if it did, it would still stuck in my head) is run either to my right and get a drink from the bar or to my left and shovel some BBQ meatball appetizers (oh so yummy) in my face. I couldn't change the subject very easily because, well, I wasn't even in the conversation. I was just standing there. I couldn't have my way at the bar because I had to be at work at 11p and alcohol and driving medic units is frowned upon. And then there were the meatballs. The oh so yummy meatballs. Well, here's almost exactly how my thinking went....oh so tasty, they'll make me feel good. But, I'll have to wait in line. And then people will talk bad about taking a mountain of meatballs. Plus, there's lots of drunk people staggering around (firemen can drink) so someone will accidently bump into me and the top of my meatball mountain will roll off my plate and down my white pants and then my meal "will be complete." (Christy & Brian will understand that one....) So, instead I stood there and listened probably with a fake smile on my face to the conversation that I hate oh so much.

Now its hours later, and even though I know I'm not hungry, I'm still pissed for some reason. And to make that "pissiness" go away something delicious would make me feel better. A nice floppy piece of Ratsie's pizza. (I'm working in College Park tonight. Talking about cravings....all the deliciousness I used to eat here when I went to UMD....) Its like my craving hasn't been met so my body's mad at me. I know thats not true. Its all in my head, but its like a bad habit, you know?

I can't blame all my eating on stress. I like to eat. I love food. And when something is delicious I can't get enough. Now, don't let me fool you into thinking I'm a bottomless pit. I just eat well more than a normal serving. I just amaze myself at how everyday I can start off by saying "today's the day" and maybe even type it in a blog and then by 3pm I'm back to my old ways. I'm having a rough time these days buttoning up my big girl work pants. I have all the motivation or reasons in the world to get back down to where I was even a few months ago. But I can't seem to get it thru my head when its time to make those big decisions. I have good intentions, but its just not working. So frustrating. Anyone else have these problems? I know I probably think too much about it, but if you are reading this and don't have issues with weight you probably get tired of reading the same post in different formats week after week after week. Most of you don't know me when I was "fat Sarah." You've probably never even seen a picture of me at 240 lbs and think I'm exaggerating. Probably the only one that reads this that knows I used to be that big is my ex-husband. But I obsess about it because I'm petrified of going back to that. So, my question to you, is how do you make good choices? I can't remember how to. I don't remember how I had so much motivation, so much will power that I could order a side salad from McDonalds instead of chicken nuggets and fries. I remember doing it though. I just don't remember how. I've tried tricking myself or reasoning, but when the time comes lately I find myself doing exactly what I don't want to be doing.

And sweets? Don't even get me started. Freakin' Brian and Christy. Got me addicted to cookies. And Amy on cake. Damn you! :)

K, gotta call. oh poop :(