Guess what I did today!

I worked out. Yeppers. I sure did. And I didn't completely hate it. I did the Leslie Sansone Power Walk 3 mile DVD. I stepped it up a little by using two 6 pound weights instead of her measly 2 pounders. ;) I have to say, I felt pretty good, especially using the extra weight. I'm half motivated to try a body pump class. But, I need some new kicks first. These sneakers have just about had it. I guess I should look into some cross trainers or something. I've never had those before, so I don't know what I'm looking for.

On a sad note, I have fallen out of love with Ugly Muffin. If any of you remember, Ugly Muffin was to be my place. It all started with that one breakfast Brian didn't really like and then it turned into multiple breakfasts I didn't like. I tried it one last time today to be sadly disappointed (and way too many points). I'm on a mission, dammit!! I want a breakfast place! I'll give Ugly Muffin they do have some good muffins, but they aren't very consistent in their flavors. Unless, maybe they sell out fast. But whatever. I need to move on. Breaking up is so hard to do sometimes. I thought it was going to work. But, its not. :( Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. :( (Enter one single, lonely teardrop here.)

Irony...

I spent about a good chunk of time yesterday talking to my old partner from work, Chuck. He has since retired, but we were partners while I was on my Intern status (rookie) at work. Chuck didn't know what he was in for when we became partners---(besides having the most wonderful partner in the world!!) When I came along, so did my black cloud and I felt obligated to share it with him. My "black cloud" was the symbol that was assigned to my name. If there was a bad call in the county, I was sure to be on it. Everyone knew it. I was a shit magnet.

Chuck called me yesterday after hearing about the Findley murder. He wanted to be sure my black cloud wasn't still following me. See, Chuck and I were the medics that treated Sgt. Gaughan when he was shot in June of 2005. Although it was a bright, sunny June day, my cloud followed me and we ended up on the call everyone (of sane mind, anyway) prays they'll never be put on. It wasn't just another shooting...I don't know how to explain it. But out of bad came good----for the remainder of my stay at that station, we were close with the police officers in that district.

So, imagine the irony when almost 3 years to the day it happens all over again. Like I posted yesterday, Findley's death was within days of Gaughan's anniversary, within miles of where Gaughan was shot, and Gaughan was Findley's FTO. While talking to Chuck yesterday, he reminded me of something I completely forgot. We had these same exact conversations three years ago. Ok, so they didn't involve Gaughan and Findley, but they did involve Gaughan and his FTO, Cpl. John Novabilski. Cpl. Novabilski was shot and killed in the line of duty in 1995. When Gaughan died, everyone kept talking about how close the two were and now they were in heaven or wherever they were having fun.

I find this all to be very ironic. Its not like we have cops dying every other day around here. But for the last three to be closely related.....its crazy to me. I said Gaughan and Findley would be having fun where ever they are.....add the other one to the mix and they might be straight having a party.

I can't even begin to imagine what Findley's family is going through right now. Or to be the Gaughan's or Novabilski's and basically reliving this over again. I don't know what I would do or how I would act if I lost Brian. But my only comfort would be that maybe he'd be having a drink with George in heaven. (Although, after hearing Brian's stories, I'm not so sure they'd both make it there :) ) I'd imagine the families have some comfort knowing the 3 of them are together.

On a side note, and maybe some more irony, yesterday a 19 year old was charged with murdering Cpl. Findley. This morning, he was found dead in his jail cell.

Rest in Peace, Cpl. Richard Findley

Yesterday morning, Prince George's County Police Cpl. Richard Findley was killed in the line of duty. Reportedly, Findley was attempting to pull over a possible stolen vehicle when he was struck and dragged by that same vehicle. Unfortunately, his unjuries proved to be fatal. 39 years old and a 10 year veteran, he leaves behind a wife and two young daughters. In addition to being a county police officer, he was also a volunteer for the county fire department. The story can be found here. As the article will tell, this fatality comes almost 3 years to the day of the LODD of Sgt. Steve Gaughan who was shot and killed about a mile or so down the road at almost the same time of day. Its said that Gaughan was Findley's FTO and his close friend. May Gaughan and Findley have fun and be in peace wherever they are together now. And to the family and friends of Findley, know that just like Gaughan, memories of him will never fade and Findley will always be with them in spirit. Rest in Peace.

I've been tagged. Dammit!!

Caroline tagged me so I guess I'll do it. :0)


Ten Years Ago...
I just graduated high school and I was getting my stuff together to move to MD to go to school for engineering. (Oh, how things have changed....)

Five Things on Today's To-Do List...
I don't think I have 5 things to do today except go to work, so how about my To-Do List in general...
1. Get my ass back to the gym or at least working out.
2. Take my car to the shop before my timing belt decides it wants to break on 95 in 110 degree, hazy, hot & humid weather.
3. Schedule and work some OT :-(
4. Schedule appointments with the dentist and eye doctor.
5. Work on finishing up some of these projects around the house.

Snacks I enjoy...
Pizza, potato chips, Cheetos, anything I can dip, white cheddar corn puffs, pistachios, buttery garlic popcorn (new Naturals stuff...yummy), cookies, BJ's cake, Rosemary bread from Weis (I can't imagine why WW isn't working! Ha!)

Places I have Lived...
PA & MD

Things I would do if I were a Millionaire...
Pay off any debt
Invest enough that I wouldn't have to worry about my retirement
If I have kids, put some aside to help them with college
Travel--start with a bunch of cities in US, and definitely visit Italy, Ireland and England.
Buy a single family home----something nice but not lavish--definitely not a cookie cutter house like so many that are being built lately. Something with some character, a front porch, a nice deck or patio, a garage, a yard that a dog can run around in and far enough away from my neighbors that I can't hear their music.
Buy a new car to replace the Civic----not that there's anything wrong with my car, but I just want a "newer" non-gas guzzling car so I won't have to worry about it breaking down in the next few years.

I tag Holly, Paul, & Christy

I want to have a party.

You know, one of those parties where people feel obligated to buy stuff. Creative Memories, Home Interior, Cookie Lee, Pampered Crap (I mean Chef, sorry, I had a Brian moment), something. I don't really know why I want to have one of these parties. The only one where I feel I'd benefit from people buying stuff would be a Creative Memories scrapbooking party. (I started scrapbooking again today for the first time in over 1 1/2 years.) Everything else, well, I'd even feel obligated to buy something. But here's what is holding me back....I don't know if I have anyone to invite. I don't know many people that live around me. And I'd be very afraid if I invited the few people I knew and no one showed up that I'd end up hurt. (Note to people that live by me: If I ever have a party and invite you to it, please don't just come because you're afraid I'll off myself if you don't show up....I'll be okay, I promise!)

In all the houses and places I've lived I've never had a party before. I've been to plenty, though---the one thing I've learned is you definitely need the "right" people at them or 2 hours can feel like a short eternity. I don't even know what other kind of parties there are. Any suggestions?

The reasons I love Trader Joe's:

1. Russian style pierogies. Quite possibly the closest to homemade tasting frozen pierogi I've ever had. And, I've had plenty in my lifetime.

2. Potato pancakes (or maybe they were latkes....I can't remember what the box said). They were delicious. A little fat, so if you're the type that will only eat a skinny crunchy dripping in melted lard kind, these are not for you. But if you enjoy a quality, full of taste potato pancake, get a box.

3. Apple blossoms. Apples, dough, cinnamon, sugar.... First, they are fun to watch cook in the microwave because they "blossom." Brian was more excited than me, but don't tell anyone. Secondly, they were super fantabulous (really, really good). Next time we get them we are most definitely throwing a little bit of vanilla ice cream on top. I'm drooling thinking of it.

4. Jasmine rice. I just started eating rice over the last year, and this by far is the best rice.

5. Mandarin orange chicken. Goes well with the Jasmine rice and is a good replacement for Chinese carryout/buffet.

6. Gen. Tso Sauce. Goes well with 4 & 5.

7. The samples. OK, this is more for Brian. He's like one of those old people that go to Costco on a Saturday for a free meal of samples. Yesterday, he had chicken pomadoro, coffee, cookies and pecan pie (that was good).

8. Trader Giotta's pizza. I'm not going to say this beats any restaurant style floppy pizza, but its good in a pinch. Its a good standby in the freezer for those unforeseen "I need pizza" moments.

9. White cheddar puffed corn. Yummy.

10. Pretzel thins.

11. After looking everywhere (and I mean everywhere) I finally found lemon curd at TJ's. Now I can make Brian his WW fruit tart (sugar cookie crust w/ lemon curd, fruit) he's been bugging me about.

The downfall to all this deliciousness (well, the frozen pierogies, potato pancakes, and apple blossom's last night) was the sodium. Ugh, by the end of the night I think Brian and I would agree that we felt like we were laying face first in a desert somewhere. I'm feeling back to normal today. I have no idea how they ranked in WW points, but honestly, I don't think they were anything crazy as long as you stay with the serving size portions.

Anyone have any other suggestions of what to get from TJ's?

Tomorrow, (Amy, don't hate us) we are headed to Miss Shirley's. We are meeting my old partner and his girlfriend for breakfast. I better decide today what I'm going to order before I get overwhelmed when I get there.

I learned a lot about myself today.

It feels like its been an eternity coming, but I'm having a good day. Oh, wait, no...not a good WW day, just a good day in general and I'm okay with that. Counseling today was productive. We've come to determine I have a bad outlook on things--pretty negative a lot of the time and most of it is all in my head. For example, lets say Holly gives me an attitude (which she hasn't). Instead of me thinking, oh, she's having a bad day, my brain thinks, "what did I do to her?" and evolves into a internal huge dilemma that doesn't even exist, and quite honestly, Holly doesn't even know we have issues (well, because its non-existent in reality). The next time I see her, I might end up standoffish because I think she's pissed at me and then she'll wonder whats wrong with me and a cycle continues. For all I know, in my "pretend" Holly's mad at me day, Ryan puked on her favorite shirt as she was walking out the door and I'm the first person she saw. By no means is she mad at me--she's mad because she has a smelly, crusty yellow spot on her shirt. So, now, I'm supposed to not take everything so damn personally (which I knew already, but umm, yeah, never really thought about doing) and think, "geez, maybe she's having a bad day, I'll give her some space" instead of jumping to conclusions that she's got some sort of beef with me. My counselor seemed happy that I was making progress with my attempt to eliminate stress with things like my attempt to change shifts at work (still in progress, by the way). But, obviously, I can't eliminate all stress, so she's giving me tips to try to deal with all the other stuff I can't change.

Today was the first time we talked about my weight and WW and how its related to my emotions and self-esteem. If I learned anything from WW over the past 7 years (besides how to lose weight) is I will never forget the "memory" of being 240 pounds. We talked about things that motivate people to change and be successful. I didn't really think of it this way, but my memory of being 240 and unhappy is what motivates me not to gain. Yeah, I still gain and lose the same 10-15 pounds, but I have not and will not gain all of my weight back. I can now recognize when I'm eating too much there is "something" else wrong in my life and eating is my coping mechanism. The same is kind of true with this plateau I've had for quite a while (being 175ish and occasionally uncomfortable in my big girls pants) and me starting and stopping WW 3 times a week. For whatever reason(s), my self-esteem went from strong to not so strong. Its by no means where I want it to be. There's no arguing, it is much better than it was when I was 240. But, over the last year or so I've been up and down with how I feel about me and my relationships and work, etc. Throw in my views of what other people think of me (the Holly example) and that really brings me down. Brian had a good point....of all the people I think are either talking bad about me or act mean and I think its directed at me, probably only 1/8 of it is really about me.

So, my homework for this week is to focus on being less defensive. I need to be more compassionate and open minded and remember that my thoughts are created by me and I make them into what it is---positive or negative. I get the impression our "thoughts" about how others view us are directly related to how we feel about ourselves. When you feel good about yourself, you feel good about just about everything else in your life including what you think other people think about you. When you feel kinda crappy, you assume everyone else looks at you the same way. When Lori told me that I felt stupid. It's like its a cross between crazy and a theory that seemed way too simple. I get mad at people who hurt me. So, why am I creating thoughts that hurt me? When I sat there and thought about some of the things I've let come into my head I was really quite embarrassed. Thank God thoughts don't always make it out into the public.

With the hopes of being more optimistic which will in turn increase my self esteem just a tad and decrease the recent episodes of emotional eating, I stopped at Trader Joe's to stock up. In my fridge, freezer and pantry, I now have what I need to make better food choices this week. Brian's working 24 hours tomorrow so I'm actually thinking about trying a step class or Body Pump class at the gym. I haven't been there since well before Brandon got sick and, well, the rest of us got sick.

Today, I also learned I want quick fixes. Not that I'm impulsive, but when I don't see progress, I get frustrated. So, I'm probably not going to count my points. I'm going to do subtle things like eat my Trader Joe's white cheddar puffed corn instead of Cheetos. And my Mandarin Orange Chicken instead of Chinese carry out. I think with some little changes, I'll start to see major changes. I'll start out slow with the gym again (and pray no one ends up in the hospital and I don't get sick again) hopefully get into a routine. If I want some permanent changes in my life I have to do them in baby steps or everything is going to overwhelm me and I'll stop and be back to where I've been for the past few months. The good thing is, for the first time in a very long time, I'm very okay with taking the long, hard road. With my life, relationships, food, weight, work, etc., I want to work on fixing everything little by little so that I'm back to happy.

Does anyone use WW.com?

I'm having issues with it today. I wanted to journal my pizza. Normally I can type in pizza and it comes up with a million different types. Name brand, small slice, large slice, restaurant style, thick, thin, etc. Today, it seems its only bringing up name brand stuff and its annoying me. Anyone else having problems???

You really can get a lot done early....

Anyone that has spent any real amount of time with me knows I am not a morning person. Which is ironic because I have to get up quite early for work. But on my days off, I could easily sleep til noon. Today, we were up with the chickens. The patio guy came at 8am to go over our contract. We got up before 7, were showered and dressed and even cleaned up the house before he arrived. After he left, we got all kinds of stuff done. Well, I don't know about Brian, but I did. I dropped him off at the doctors, went to the bank to deposit $, went to the grocery store, got gas, returned a DVD, shipped some packages....all the stuff I've been putting off for weeks. After his appointment was over, we went for a pizza lunch (it is Pizza Monday, you know). So, it was only 12:30 and I didn't know what to do. That is just about the time I "start" my day. Today I was almost done. I did some ironing til I felt like I did enough and now I'm just catching up on some emails, etc. 1:45pm and I've got nothing to do. Well, I could study but I think I'm going to nap instead. We plan on making a few suppers tonight for the week. Since I've dished out some $$ for the new patio (I say new, but really they are just going to "cleanup" what's out there now) we've got to be a bit more frugal with our spending. I wish I didn't have to. Not that I overspend by any means, but I like having a comfortable cushion. I'm getting a little too close to comfort to that cushion so I think some stuff is going to have to wait a few weeks. That means more cooking in and less eating out. That's okay, its probably better for us anyway. With all the craziness that has been going on over the past month or so, we've gotten very much out of our normal routine. Maybe this will help jump start it again. I'm hoping by Thursday I'll feel like going to the gym again. My nose is still running a bit and that cough comes back to attack me every once in a while....I just want to make sure I'm rid of this infection and everything before I try to overdo it. And, although today was very productive, don't think of stopping by for coffee early in the morning anytime soon. All you're going to get is a brown front door with no one answering. I'm sticking to my mornings in bed. :)

WW TV Controls

I'm just sitting here having a lazy day watching the Travel Channel. Can you believe they have a show called Deep Fried Paradise? Like there are parental controls on TV there should most definitely be WW controls. So, now, whenever I end up in NYC for my pizza tour, I'll have to remember to bring my elastic big girl pants, because I'll have to also stop at the Chipshop in Brooklyn to have their "best" fish and chips. I even saw on their menu they have deep fried pizza. I like just about anything fried and pizza, but there are just some things that are supposed to stay the way they are.

Just some advice

If you presently hold a position as a shampoo girl at a local salon, please remember to shave your armpits before you go to work in the morning. That is all. :0)

Maybe I shouldn't complain...

about my URI present from Brandon. Brian has pneumonia.

Its time for some changes....

After a few days of very emotional eating, I've decided maybe WW isn't the problem. I have my motivation, but its not keeping me on track. I keep dwelling on and stressing out about WW and how I'm doing on it.....thinking its the plan or getting frustrated with myself because I'm emotionally eating which ultimately leads to more eating.

I was told the other day maybe I need to make some life changes--changes for the better. It seems so simple. Duh. Why didn't I think of that? Eliminate the stress. Eliminate the things that make you feel like you're going to go crazy and ultimately fall face first into a plateful of Gen Tso's Chicken like I did last night. (That General can make a mean chicken....).

Yesterday, I did a lot of thinking and have realized I've been in my "miserable" rut since last July. Just over a year ago, I asked to move to Brian's shift at work thinking it would make scheduling our lives a little easier. I guess for a few days a month it made things easier, but at the same time it opened up a whole other can of worms.

• Because Brian's a Lt. on the shift, I'm limited to the stations I can work, as he can't be my supervisor. That's frustrating in itself because the station I love to work at the most is in his sector. I worked there before he and I even started dating (on a different shift). I know this is very childish, but its like it was "mine" first so I've become resentful towards him. "Because of him" I can't work there, when in reality, I knew that coming in.
  
• I miss the people I worked with on my old shift. I got along with all of them. I could be partners with just about anyone. That's very much not the case on my current shift.
  
• My sleep schedule is all kinds of messed up. The night before work I like to be in bed by 830-9. That hasn't happened in over a year. Brian doesn't "need" sleep so he doesn't go to bed til 11 or midnite. I either don't go to bed til then or if I do go to bed earlier, I wake up when he finally comes to bed. I'm not the kind of person who can fall asleep in 15 seconds like Brian can. It takes me at least 15 minutes to fall asleep and once I'm re-woken (if that's even a word) I might be up for 2 hours.
  
• When I worked a different shift, I had my routine. My uniform was ready and all put together by a certain time. I got up at a certain time. I could sleep til the alarm clock went off. Now, with Brian being different I've let him (and not like he forced me, I just took the lazy way out) get me off my schedule. He gets up before me so I can "sleep" by that extra 20 minutes is very precious in the morning. Once I hear his alarm and shower water running, my extra 20 minutes is shot.
  
• We've had numerous fights about Brian working OT. I don't want him to work OT (even though I know he needs to) because it intrudes on our "us" time. Now, he'd be able to work OT on my shift or even the morning after my shift while I'm asleep and it wouldn't be interfering in our "us" time. And maybe if he worked OT on my shift, it might bring back some of the excitement of the possibility of running into each other unexpectedly throughout the day.
  
• I won't feel guilty about having a "me" day. I won't feel bad about going to Bed, Bath and Beyond or getting my nails done or hair cut. He won't be here anyway. Same goes with him. I think he'll be okay with doing whatever it is guys do when girls aren't around (within reason!! Better be no hanky-panky stuff going on!!) He can eat sushi and watch war and superhero movies every 4th day now if he wants.
  

So after making a pro/con list (those things are great sometimes) I've realized by us staying on the same shift, the cons very much outweigh the pros. The Captain on the shift I want to go to already said he'd love to have me back and he'll look at the options on Saturday. I just hope this goes through. Just hearing he'd love to have me back made a huge weight fall off me. I can't imagine how it will feel if I actually get transferred.

I don't know why I keep myself in situations where I "think" I can't get out of them. Most of the time that's totally ridiculous. I'm hoping this will be a snowball effect and get everything else rolling. Ironically, you know about this before Brian does (unless he's reading this right now). I think he'll be a little upset but he'll get over it. He knows I need a change. I really feel bad because I'm miserable more than I'm not. I just needed to figure out the root cause. I'm hoping I found it. I know there's a happy Sarah in there....I've met her before. I just want her to come back out and stay a while. I'm sure he'll be happy to see her again too.

Poor little froggy

Kinda looks like my nephew Carter ate the froggy on his bib. Thats a rockin' bib, if you ask me. Of course, maybe I'm bias because my mommy makes them. :)

Finally, a routine.

As today comes to a close, I'm very much looking forward to going back to work. Not because I really want to go back to work tomorrow but because tomorrow means I'll be back to a normal schedule. Its been more than a week from hell. I'm not going to lie and say I was in a great mood today. I wanted to be chipper and happy and whatever but anyone that really knows me, knows I can't just put on a smile and go about my day if I don't feel like it. I think I was just worn out.

I feel like I accomplished stuff though today, and its sad to say, but getting about 10 loads of laundry done was just what I needed. I organized (somewhat) my desk, ordered books I need for work to study for my promotional exam, even tried to find some new doctors off my provider list (which sucks!!), amongst other stuff. I feel like I finally got stuff done. I don't know if there is a name for people like me....people who need to make lists to be accountable for, well, myself....but even though I wish I didn't have to be like that, I do. So, now I'm back on track and looking forward to work. Same goes for WW. I wish I didn't have to go to meetings, but I do. I'm going to miss this week's meeting because of an appointment and next week's meeting because of work. I kinda screwed up all this week, so I'm not real eager to go weigh in Wednesday at a different meeting---which come Wednesday, that might change. But next week, I'm going to try to get to a Wednesday meeting. I can't go almost a month without weighing in or I'm going to be sadly upset with myself when I finally get there. While doing the final load of laundry tonight, I found the blue marble my leader gave me to "anchor" me during the week. Stupid little marble. How could something so small make you feel bad about what you ate all week and all the exercise you didn't do. I have to remember last week wasn't a normal one by any means and I just have to use it in a positive way this week. And, remember to take it out of my pocket. :0)

It was edible.

I can cook lunch. I can cook an awesome supper. But, I can't make a breakfast besides cereal to save my life....until today.

I honestly didn't think I knew how. I mean I could do some stuff, but not a whole big breakfast like pancakes, french toast, meat, etc. I still don't know if I could pull off a potato in the mix of everything else, though. Anyway, the girls and I (well, I) made Brian a Father's Day breakfast. I was nervous about it because he does the all of the breakfast cooking. He makes his version of his grandfathers famous French Toast. And then there's the chocolate chip pancakes. For some reason when I try to cook breakfast I burn eggs (smelly) and pancakes end up all over the skillet in one big blob and everything ends up in the garbage disposal and I'm still hungry.

Maybe God felt bad for me today, He helped me. All of my pancakes were round-0k, some were a little more done than others. But it didn't taste like charcoal. The cheesy eggs weren't too bad, but now that I think of it, I was the only one to eat any. The bacon might have been a little overdone, but I like it crunchy. It wasn't Texas toast or Challah bread French toast...just sandwich bread French toast and everything was WW at that. Regardless, I was happy I was able to pull it off. I'm not going to claim it was a wonderful breakfast--it was edible and it was the thought that counts. Brian seemed to enjoy it, but he's good at faking too ;)

The strong person I wish I was.

Sometimes, I wish I was a stronger person. I'm not writing this post because I'm looking for comments back that say, "there, there, Sarah" or "you are stronger than you really know." I like to say I'm a strong person, but in reality I'm lying to myself to make myself feel better. See, the strong person I wish I was would be the one that when an other's callus remarks or eye-rolls are sent in my direction, instead of saying "that doesn't bother me, I don't care" they would actually NOT bother me because I really don't care. If I was the strong person I wish I was, I'd be able to sit in on a conversation and listen to others talk about someone I don't really like without getting my stomach in knots. The strong person I want to be wouldn't dwell on things that happened in the past because I would know there is no way in hell I can change the past. My strong person would have this extreme self-confidence that everyone else wishes they had. She wouldn't care what anyone else would think. She wouldn't stand in the closet changing clothes a gazillion times trying to impress someone who isn't going to notice her anyway or to try to be the equivalent of someone else. My strong person would be so confident, people would want to be like her. She would never second guess herself and know that every once in a while you will have bad days. The strong person I wish I was would never cry because things are overwhelming. My strong person would be able to make up her mind and not second guess everything. My strong person would want to keep her cat an animal instead of sometimes wishing he'd turn into the one person that would really understand her. (How pathetic.) My strong person wouldn't have to turn to food because that is probably the only one consistent thing her in life and one thing she has complete control over.

You know the unfortunate part? I used to be that strong girl. I don't know where she went. I keep looking for her and never seem to find her. Just when I think I've gotten close to being friends with her, she goes away. After 10 years, I'm getting tired of looking.

He's home!

This one's going to be short. Brandon's finally home!! His PICC line was inserted this AM without any problems and he got discharged from the hospital around 2pm. And with that, Brian and I are off for a much needed drink and night alone. :)

Not today.

Brandon's not coming home today. Instead, he's getting a PICC line inserted tomorrow AM so when he finally goes home he can continue IV antibiotics. In a way I'm grateful he's staying one more day. I didn't really think he was ready to go home yet. And I'm glad they are continuing him on IV antibiotics. I just hope when he gets home he doesn't try to do too much too fast, at least initially.

As for me, I'm still sick, but I think doing a better. I'm not coughing much, but I still sound like I swallowed a stuffy frog. Brian just texted me saying he's staying the night at the hospital again. I was hopeful he'd be home for the night. I miss him. But, I understand his son comes first, as he should, and I have to accept that. He's going to want me to go to the hospital tonight. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about that. My doctor said its okay for me to go being I'm on antibiotics, as is Brandon. I just have to treat my symptoms now with some Sudafed and cough medicine. I'm just getting tired of driving two cars down all the time. The ride to the hospital is about 1 hr 10 min away --- just far enough to get on your nerves. Brian said he's coming home for a bit once Brandon's mom shows up at the hospital. I'll see how I feel about stuff later on today. As for now, I'm trying to get caught up with all the house stuff. I never knew we had as many clothes as we have piled up in the laundry room. What I would do to have a maid walk in my front door right now.

I'm journaling my food. It sucks over the past day or two, because since I'm alone most of the time and sort of stuck in the house all I want to do is eat. I don't have a whole lot of energy to start cooking meals, so I'm grabbing things that aren't so WW friendly. I traded in the oh so delicious sausage egg and cheese biscuit with hash browns from yesterday AM for a bowl of Golden Grahams. At least I'm ahead of the game so far today. Hopefully the trend will continue.
I have to keep remembering my weigh in is on Tuesday and I want to see some progress from two weeks ago.

What a nice gift

You know, I would have taken pizza, candy, flowers, a card. But, no. Brandon gave me an upper respiratory infection. How nice of him. He's lucky he's cute.

Deliciousness

I just had a McDonald's Sausage & Egg biscuit sandwich with a hash brown and diet Coke and it was wonderful. It was worth every bit of the gagillion points it consists of. Honestly, I haven't any idea how many points it is worth, but based on the taste, I'd venture to say if I wanted to stay within my points range for today I probably should skip lunch and maybe opt for Cheerios for supper. But who cares. It was worth it. Sometimes you just gotta dip into the extra points and enjoy a meal.

The last week has been crazy. I mean crazy crazy. Its 6am and I just got home from the hospital. I dropped Bella off there yesterday afternoon and was to spend the night there with Brandon and Brian. Bri and I both felt under the weather, but attribute it to lack of sleep and just overall stress from the past week. I had a little bit of a cough yesterday and my voice got hoarse but it seemed like my normal allergies. I know I'm allergic to mold and I'd venture to say the hospital room has a few spores growing. But this morning, I woke up all kinds of stuffy, coughing, and sounding like a frog so Brian told me to go home. He made it seem like he was looking out for me but I really think he was trying to steal the chair/bed I had. :0) I'm pretty sure my "allergies" have turned into a sinus infection or something. Who knows what I've caught while there. And I'm not completely convinced Brian is "well" either, but he's going to stick by Brandon's side no matter what. Since the only real treatment for Brandon these days is continuous antibiotics, Brian doesn't need to stick around as much to wait for the doctor's rounds/plan. When Brandon's mom shows up Brian promised he'd come home and sleep for a while. I figure a days worth of sleep will do us both good. I'll probably run over to "doc in a box" to get an antibiotic myself. But like Brian said, with all the antibiotics Brandon's on I don't think we need to worry about him getting sick.

Speaking of Brandon, he's doing a million times better. When I got there yesterday he looked like a completely different kid than the one we took care of Saturday night. He was up and playing video games, watching TV.....I knew he felt better when he started squirting me with water from a syringe. (Damn respiratory therapist had to tell Brandon a John the Baptist knock-knock joke which ends with someone getting squirted with water. Brandon has no idea who John the Baptist even is or the significance of the water, but he thinks its the greatest thing in the world.) He ate a whole plate full of spaghetti, then had two slices of pizza with Brian and I last night. I brought Brian's laptop down so we had a pizza/movie party in the room last night. Its kind of crazy to me that in a kids hospital they don't come equipped with DVD players. There was a VCR but it had a note stuck to it saying "doesn't work 6/5/04." What the hell? In 4 years, no one could get it replaced? They had to get the TV replaced yesterday because it was all blue. Brandon is doing nothing but hanging out in bed, so they figured they could at least get him a working TV.

Even better news....Brandon pooped last night and it was the most beautiful shade of orange. Ok, that's gross and I gave Holly shit the other day for posting about her son's colorful poop, but after seeing nothing but a GI bleed for 4+ days, orange was a very welcome sight. He's finally getting better. The plan for him is to keep him on 3 different antibiotics, two of them IV, for at least the next 48 hours. That means the earliest he can come home is Friday. He's obviously doing much better, but he's still sick. It takes everything out of him to walk to the bathroom or sit in a chair for 15 minutes, but its progress and we'll take it.

I knew my house was a mess, but I guess over the past few days I didn't realize just HOW much of a mess it is. I don't even know where to start. Everything got put on hold. Just to get to the computer I stepped on a Shrek baby, fumbled over a pair of purple fuzzy slippers, almost slipped on a mini police car and stared at pile of bills. But its all going to have to wait. I'm sure I'll be more motivated after some sleep. And now that my crazy week is over, I can get more on track with WW. I'm impressed though. I did NO stress eating through all of this. I may not have thought out every item that went in my mouth, but I can say I didn't eat just because. The only thing I am kinda pissed about is the hospital cafeteria apparently has a Weight Watchers menu. Brian supposedly pointed it out to me and I acknowledged it but I think it was one of those "yes dear" conversations. Usually they are the other way around where Brian's nodding and smiling at me but not hearing a word coming out of my mouth. He was on the receiving end of it yesterday. Maybe if I go back tonight or tomorrow I'll try something off the menu.

As for now, I have to find out just how many points my deliciousness was for this morning and then head off to sleepyland.

Today

The day with Bella went well. After lunch we went to the pool at our gym. She had a blast. I'm an official soccer mom now. I didn't have the handbook though to know what to do. So apparently mom's talk to each other. I haven't had much exposure to talking to random strangers about just about nothing. The most awkward conversation was with a half naked woman in the locker room talking about how its 100 degrees out and she wants chili for supper and her husband hates pasta so that puts a damper on the meals she can make. But, overall it went well. The pool was great. Bella's still hesitant to get help with swimming, but that will come with time.

After that we went to our "secret" destination. It was a secret because I didn't know where we were going. Plus, it made it seem a whole lot cooler when we got there. We ended up at Storyville at the library in Rosedale. She loved it. I found out today she has some issues with counting, so we worked on that. The good thing is Storyville is built to help educate kids with reading, counting, spelling, etc, so it made it fun to practice stuff with her. She's obviously a cute kid, so a lot of the time I think everyone is quick to get her to the girly clothes or purses or whatever, so I think sometimes we fail to work on "teaching" moments. They had a play grocery store, so when we were done playing we had to put our "food" back on the shelves for the next people coming through. Instead of just putting them away we learned what "sections" of the store they belong in, like the bakery, produce, snacks, meat, dairy, etc. I was honestly so happy to hear that she retained some of what she learned today. We went to Safeway and were looking for bread. She told me we had to go to the bakery and if we wanted chicken we had to go to the meat section and carrots were in the vegetable area. She was so excited that she "learned" stuff today she wants to go back tomorrow. She wants to do that instead of the pool. I guess we're going back. How do you tell a kid she can't go to the library? After Storyville, we went to the library section and got tons of books....a bunch on counting and pairing and stuff. I also signed both Bella and Brandon up for the summer reading program. Brian and Bella are working on the first set of stuff for the program right now. She's so excited. I just wish we had more time to work on it with her. The one thing I'm finding with having the kids live in two different households is the consistency in certain stuff like learning and discipline, etc. Brian and I have decided to take advantage of the time we have with them and make learning as much fun as we can with them. Luckily, Taylor is all about reading, so she does a lot of self-learning.

Brandon's doing a little better, again. Today he was able to sit in a chair for 15 minutes by himself. He wasn't very talkative though. Brian said their conversation revolved around having to pee-pee and eating soup broth. His Grammy came to visit him today and read him quite a few library books. Brian says he's more awake but still drained, which is to be expected. I'm looking forward to seeing him tomorrow afternoon. I think it will be such a change to see him from when he was so, so sick the other night. Anything has to be better than that.

I'm still Bella sitting tomorrow so there will be no weigh in. And probably no gym time. And quite honestly, I'm okay with that. My priorities, at least for this week, have totally changed. Its not about me at all.

I needed that.

Bella and I went to Double T Diner for breakfast (ok, maybe lunch). After eating, Bella said, "Sarah, can I tell you something?" (Thats the saying of the month...) "Me and Brandon....we are lucky. We have two mommies and two daddies. Daddy is my real daddy and Chris is my step dad and Mommy is my real mommy and you are my step mommy. And you and Chris love us like our real mommy and daddy."

I've been promoted from Daddy's girlfriend to step mommy. Sometimes out of no where comments are the best.

Improvements, finally....

Yeah! He's improving! Brandon's fever finally broke, his heart rate came down, his BP came up, the rash is gone and he can tell when he has to go to the potty and even walk to it himself. Thats a big change from the night I spent with him when it got to the point we had to put diapers on him. It looks like on top of some GI bleed he had pneumonia but they found an antibiotic to work on at least the pneumonia.

I'm still Bella sitting.....todays a big day. Breakfast at the diner and an afternoon at the pool. Honestly I think its maybe even too hot for the pool, but she wants to go. It will be fine.

WW---probably no WI this week. I haven't even been trying. I haven't overeaten but I haven't been thinking about any of my choices/decisions either. And activity went out the window after last Tuesdays step class. I won't be going tomorrow either unless I can find a place in the gym to stick Bella.

Still there.

Brandon's still in the hospital and probably will be for a few days. Poor little guy. They're still trying to figure out whats wrong with him. We were up with him all night long last night. He's finally getting some different tests done today so maybe they'll find a cause to his issues. I hope so. I hate seeing him like he is.

Falling off the wagon after a crazy few days.

OK, I'm going to try to make this quick because I'm super tired. Its been a crazy couple of days. Brian's son, Brandon, is in the hospital. He got sick earlier in the week, with what we all thought was just a virus. But, now its turned into a GI (Gastrointestinal)bleed. We thought it was on the mend Thursday night after a trip to the local ER but apparently we were all wrong because he started vomiting and pooping blood. We met him and his mom at the ER again this morning for him to end up getting transferred to Children's Hospital in DC. We (Brian and I and Brandon's mom and her boyfriend) spent the next umpteen hours watching various movies on AMC (and watching Brandon sleep) while Mom-Mom and Zaidey (sp?) people watched in the waiting room. Brandon himself is doing fine. Well, besides the puking and pooping, but he's not in any pain, he's just really tired and worn out. And starving because he wasn't allowed to eat. The pooping and puking finally stopped, but then he later developed a rash and some swelling to his face for no real reason. I think it was close to 2am when we finally got a decent doctor in to talk to us. She feels this is probably a blood issue as compared to a GI issue or virus so tomorrow AM a hematologist will be in to evaluate him and look at his blood smear under the microscope to give his input. Brandon finally got admitted around 4am. Brian is staying the night down there. He kicked me out. Well, he wanted me to get him some toiletries and clothes but also some sleep because I have a tendency to get cranky when tired. The doctor feels he's going to be okay and doesn't think he'll need a transfusion or anything, but at the same time they aren't really able to pinpoint what is wrong with him. He's got quite a few symptoms and they just aren't all fitting together. Hopefully tomorrow we'll have some more answers.

WW pretty much went out the window yesterday. I'm frustrated with that (not WW, the fact that I fell off the wagon) but its very difficult right now with Brandon. We've been unexpectedly in the hospital off and on and we've had to make do with vending machines and McDonald's for the most part. I"m hoping tomorrow will be more normal. I was supposed to work tonight into tomorrow afternoon but had to find someone to work so I could be at the hospital. Needless to say my schedule is all outta whack. In my meeting this week my leader gave us marbles to carry with us. I have one blue marble that's supposed to act as my anchor and remind me to stay on plan. Yeah, damn marble was in my pocket. My hand didn't go in my pocket before I bought the Babe Ruth bar or before I ate the leftover pizza at 4am. There's always tomorrow. Maybe I'll make it a ring or something. I'll see it as I'm about to fill my face.

And don't take what I'm about to write negatively, but there is a certain degree of uncomfortableness (if that's even a real word) while sitting in the hospital. Obviously, Brandon isn't my son, so sitting there with you boyfriend, who's dad, and his ex, who's mom, her boyfriend and then sicko Brandon, it creates some awkward moments. I couldn't help but stare at Brandon's mom quite a bit. I could see her eyes well up with tears. I realized tonight that I have never in my life felt anything like that. I love Brian's kids, but its not a mothers love. They love me back, but there is just that something that only "Mommy" can give you. Can't blame them. Oh well...its almost 445am so I better get some sleep. I have to head back to the hospital in a few hours.

Time is precious.

I think sometimes we get caught up in life and forget just how precious our time here and with others really is. First, there was girl I graduated high school with that died of asthma, then the fatal shooting of a police officer in Tucson (a co-worker of my BIL), and then today I came home from work to find out a kid I went to school died overnight after an ATV accident. He was only 26. I knew him, because, well, where I grew up you had no choice but to know everyone. I didn't know him well, however, I spent most of my life with his wife and her family. They lived next door to us until I was in middle school and after that she played on my basketball team. They got married last July and just recently bought a house together. All of these deaths were obviously unforeseen. I can't imagine what their families are going through. Please, keep their families in your thoughts and prayers and keep those who you value close to your heart. Life is too short.

Speaking of precious time, we got a little bit more with Grampy. I realized I never gave you an update recently. He's doing MUCH better. I'm not going to lie, it surprised the crap out of me. I didn't think he'd pull through like he has, but he's doing well. He made it out of ICU onto a tele floor and eventually had surgery to get a pacemaker. Now he's in a local nursing home complaining about his "thickened up" coffee and pureed food. But, he's able to complain, so that's a good thing. Although I do feel for him....he's not a real social kind of guy and now he's got a roommate with dementia. I guess his roommate steals Grampy's glasses and hides them in his underwear drawer. :O) That makes me laugh. I don't think Grampy is.

Storms

Lordy, there have been some crazy storms around here lately. And apparently, they are conveniently spaced out to occur every 4th day for our shift of work. It was crazy, and I can't even claim to have been in the middle of all of it. To be honest, for the first storm, I was sleeping and the sound of a freight train trying to break thru the window woke me up. I went out into the other room just to see a gray-green sky outside. I figured it was going to be horrible, but in my little corner of the world it wasn't too bad. Elsewhere it was a mess. Lights were out, power was out, trees and wires were down, houses ended up on fire. Ugh, yucky day to be at work. A tornado went by just down the street from Christy's house, which I'm glad it didn't mess up her new house, but I am a little upset that I didn't get to see her gimp ass do a half run/walk/slide down to her basement. Brian called to check on her yesterday and she told him the story of how she tried to get down to the basement when she heard the storm approaching. Brian said the way he figures, she got down there just in time for the storm to be over. I heard another co-worker lost the roof to his house in the same area. That sucks. I remember being in College Park (Univ. of MD campus) when the F3 tornado went through just after 9/11. That was the craziest thing I ever saw. I can't imagine be subjected to that all the time like they are out west. Anyway, today the weather is supposed to calm down but the heat is on. Yep, the typical metro DC "hazy, hot, humid with a chance of afternoon thunderstorms" starts today. I hate this weather. When I retire, I'm moving far away from it. Not sure where, but far away from humidity.

Damn gas prices...

I'm now one of the millions of Americans that have changed their plans because of the price of gas. Well, indirectly. Like I mentioned before, we were supposed to meet Rick, Holly & family in San Diego. That's not going to be able to happen now with the costs of airfare rising, not to mention a rental car/gas, admissions to parks, food, etc. I'm kinda bummed about San Diego because I really wanted to go. But on the other hand, Holly told us we can go to their house in Tucson instead, which I'm kind of looking forward to. I think it will be less stressful, not worry about our money situation, etc. Plus lugging the kids around in a plane and rental then sticking them in a hotel. Brian and I talked it over and would have preferred to get either a suite or a vacation rental...something that there are seperate bedrooms and living quarters as well as an area to cook so we didn't have to eat out constantly. Maybe the trip can happen next year. As for now, we'll be headed to "dry heat" as Brian keeps telling me. Heat is heat. :)

Blog of the day.

I'm loving this blog today. I love the cakes (wishing I had some talent). I love her hair(wish I had patience to grow the top out long enough to do something like this). I love the progress pictures. She looks like a whole new person. Definite motivation.

Finally, pictures

I've been saying "maybe tomorrow" for months. Tomorrow has come. I finally have pictures of the bedrooms we've been working on forever. :) (Keep in mind, I'm not a professional photographer :) )

Brian finished our bedroom floors today and I LOVE the room. It still needs some accessories, but that will come with time. Our bedroom got chair rail taken down, carpet ripped up and laminate laid, a new paint color, moved out the big armoire, stained the vanity to match the furniture, new drapes/shades, recessed lights (actually all bedrooms got recessed lights), a ceiling fan, and the attached bathroom got remodeled but I didn't post any pics of that.

MASTER BEDROOM BEFORE:

MASTER BEDROOM AFTER:

(I told you, bad photographer, but its got some of the new floors in it.)

Baxter suddenly likes the ceiling fan.

The girls room was painted white I think intially, then I painted it gray, then yellow with a beach theme. When they moved in, we pulled up the carpeting and put laminate down, put up bead board, painted the top, and I got all Martha Stewarty and made their comforters. Everything seems to look cuter in real life...its awkward to get a good picture of everything.

BELLA & TAYLOR'S ROOM BEFORE:

BELLA & TAYLOR'S ROOM AFTER:

I don't have any pictures of Brandon's room before. It used to be a bright yellow nursery with a border around the middle. He wanted an outer space theme, so this is what we came up with. He still needs his curtains hung. The red thing to the left is a tent from Ikea, but he thinks it his space shuttle and hides his Legos in there. He's also got a "Moon in my Room" and an alien night light, so its kinda cute.

Holy crap!

I just went to WW.com and calculated my activity points for today's step class. I figure out of the 60 minute class, 50 of them were spent actually stepping. The rest was warm-up, cool down, and ab work, but anyway, I earned 7 APs. No wonder they say to workout!! :) Thats the most APs I've probably earned ever and then to earn it all at one time.... That is motivation in itself to keep working out.

I actually did it

I went to step this morning. I didn't just talk about going, I actually went. I almost chickened out a few times, especially when I found out there was only 6 of us in class and I couldn't hide in the back. Well, that and I couldn't hide from the 360 degrees of mirrors. Halfway thru the workout I wanted to walk out, but being there was only 6 of us that would have been kind of obvious. And, I wasn't going to let the old lady next to me workin' it show me up. Damn old lady. :) I don't know if I liked it. I mean I did, but I didn't like it because I was tired, but I liked that I was forced to stay the whole hour. I definitely would have left after 30 minutes (or turned it off if it was a home DVD) if I had my way.

After the gym, I went to WI. I'm 2 lbs. lighter!! I'm sure I sweat it all out the hour before, but hell, who's going to question two pounds? I really needed that for motivation. I'm back to journaling like a champ and maybe with a few more workouts I'll see more progress. I'm still over my "start weight" from forever ago, but only by 1.2 pounds. I'm now at 173.2 lbs. Follow me for a moment, will you? Weigh in on Feb 26 was 166. I liked that weight, but it wasn't accurate. There was lots of drama played into that weight.....I wasn't eating like normal. But when I got back to "normal" eating, I shot up to 177.4 (April 26, two months later). So, I'm happy with a todays weight of 173.2. That's down 4.2 pounds. And soon it will be 10 and I'll get a sticker. Funny, how in kindergarten we worked for stickers. Now, almost 30, I'm working for stickers again. Ha.

I'm getting excited!

The bedroom is coming along nicely. Brian has about half the flooring in so far and it looks great. He also took down the regular door for the closet and put in a bi-fold so that definitely makes that space a little more useable.

So, I've decided to go to a step class. I say that like I already went. I'm actually going tomorrow at 11am. First it will get me outta Brian's hair so he can work. But then after the class, I'm going directly to WW to weigh-in. I hope it doesn't affect my weigh-in but even if it does for some reason, at least I know I exercised. I hope I like it. I hope I want to try other classes. The one thing I'm doing different this time around with classes it to start easy and work my way up. I think I jump in too fast sometimes and it hurts me so much that I don't go back after a few workouts. At least if I start at the beginners level and work my way up, I'll feel like I'm improving at least. We'll see how it goes. I'm actually optimistic about it, so I've got that going for me.

As far as the weigh-in goes, who knows. Yesterday I was on the scale in my bathroom and it had me a pound less. I didn't weigh myself today. I kind of like the "surprise" of weigh ins, especially when they are a loss. I'm still cooking away out of my new cookbook. We had tortellini alfredo today and didn't really like it. The downfall to that was after I decided I didn't like it all I wanted was pizza. But I worked through it and its been a few hours since supper and I still haven't had any pizza. I'm chewing away on this piece of gum like a cow. Pizza would be so much better! :)

Insurance Companies

I'm mild to moderately aggravated right now. Obviously, I didn't read the fine print on my insurance plan or I was given some bad information, but I found out today I don't have the coverage I thought I had. I thought and "thought" being the key word here, that I could go to any provider and be covered. In-network providers would be cheaper than out of network providers, but I could go anywhere. Boy, was I wrong.

So, like I've said before, I've been going to counseling. That's $130/session since they are no longer covered by Cigna. But, we all figured that if I paid out of pocket, I would later get reimbursed at least a little to defray the costs. Brian even did me the favor of calling my insurance company to see what forms needed to be filled out. Today, for some reason, I decided to call CIGNA to confirm all the paperwork. I was told one thing by the first girl, then something different by the second only to be told by the third and fourth girls that I don't have the coverage I thought I had. I can go to anyone "in-network," without a PCP or any referrals, but I have absolutely NO coverage if they are out of network. What!? So, basically that $1000+ I've spent so far has been flushed down the drain. Now I either go broke paying $130 a week to the counselor, I don't go at all and go mildly crazy, or I start all over again with a new counselor. Luckily I'm going to counseling primarily to deal with stuff from my past, learn to handle stress more effectively and work on communicating. Not that its not important, but I'm not someone who's got a knife to my wrists or something. Healthcare is so complicated sometimes. Now I have to go back to picking a name of a list and take my chances. Same goes with any medical doctors. How do you pick out a PCP? Pick a name you can pronounce? Someone close to home? Why is it the "good" doctors are never in network? Now I'm starting to see why people call 911 so much. Its always covered. So much for my day of "catching up" on stuff I've been procrastinating on. This insurance drama has now drained my day. I never mentioned all the "on hold" time I spent listening to elevator music. I wish I got to pick my music if I'm going to sit on hold so long.

And, while I'm still half venting, I guess I kind of have issues with insurance companies overall. I
know they are trying to micromanage and all, but I don't understand why they do things they do. For example, my mom has been a diabetic since she was 12. They will cover her insulin but not the syringes. What good is insulin if you have no way of taking it? Granted, they can afford to pay out of pocket for the needles but a lot of people out there can't. I just wish insurance companies were more into preventative care or made it more accessible. Its like taking care of a car. Pay $800 for a timing belt or $3000 for a new engine when the belt breaks. Sometimes its worth investing a little.

Ok, rants over. Now I'm off to Verizon to deal with my broken in half cell phone. :( Poor little guy didn't stand a chance after hitting the floor.

Polish festival----minus the Polish food

We were all kinds of excited today. We decided to go to Patterson Park in Baltimore and go to the Polish Festival. We thought we'd be dining on pierogies and kielbasa. That was until we got there. There was only one stand with pierogies and they were sold out of potato filled ones. The other Polish stand was sold out of potato pancakes, as well. But we could have had crabcakes, egg rolls, fried Snickers bars, funnel cakes and Greek food. Apparently you don't need to provide Polish food for the Polish festival. We were a bit disappointed. We ended up sharing a Polish sausage sandwich, which tasted a lot like an Italian sausage sandwich, but good anyway. I shouldn't complain--it was nice to go out and do something different though. And, we made nice with some old Polish guy who was ordering us Polish beers in Polish. Actually he was pretty drunk and had his head on my shoulder yelling Polish in my ear until he realized I didn't speak Polish. Once he figured that out he tried to give Brian a quick Polish lesson so he could appropriately order his beer. We did end up with two beers, but I'm convinced the old guy had Brian say something like "I like to drink cat pee" or something. Ha, that's what I would do if I was trying to get someone to speak my language. They wouldn't know the difference.

Supposedly there are various festivals throughout the summer there so we are going to go back to try different foods. As for our pierogies, we stopped at Weis on the way home and got some pierogies for me to make for supper.

We didn't make it to the gym but we did go for a 3o min walk around the neighborhood plus the walking at the festival. Its not great exercise but its better than nothing. I'm looking to see what the class schedule is for the gym tomorrow. Brian's working on the bedroom, so I gotta find something to do out of the house. I should study for my promotional exam at work, but it seems I conveniently find something else to do always instead of study.