The strong person I wish I was.

Sometimes, I wish I was a stronger person. I'm not writing this post because I'm looking for comments back that say, "there, there, Sarah" or "you are stronger than you really know." I like to say I'm a strong person, but in reality I'm lying to myself to make myself feel better. See, the strong person I wish I was would be the one that when an other's callus remarks or eye-rolls are sent in my direction, instead of saying "that doesn't bother me, I don't care" they would actually NOT bother me because I really don't care. If I was the strong person I wish I was, I'd be able to sit in on a conversation and listen to others talk about someone I don't really like without getting my stomach in knots. The strong person I want to be wouldn't dwell on things that happened in the past because I would know there is no way in hell I can change the past. My strong person would have this extreme self-confidence that everyone else wishes they had. She wouldn't care what anyone else would think. She wouldn't stand in the closet changing clothes a gazillion times trying to impress someone who isn't going to notice her anyway or to try to be the equivalent of someone else. My strong person would be so confident, people would want to be like her. She would never second guess herself and know that every once in a while you will have bad days. The strong person I wish I was would never cry because things are overwhelming. My strong person would be able to make up her mind and not second guess everything. My strong person would want to keep her cat an animal instead of sometimes wishing he'd turn into the one person that would really understand her. (How pathetic.) My strong person wouldn't have to turn to food because that is probably the only one consistent thing her in life and one thing she has complete control over.

You know the unfortunate part? I used to be that strong girl. I don't know where she went. I keep looking for her and never seem to find her. Just when I think I've gotten close to being friends with her, she goes away. After 10 years, I'm getting tired of looking.