I learned a lot about myself today.

It feels like its been an eternity coming, but I'm having a good day. Oh, wait, no...not a good WW day, just a good day in general and I'm okay with that. Counseling today was productive. We've come to determine I have a bad outlook on things--pretty negative a lot of the time and most of it is all in my head. For example, lets say Holly gives me an attitude (which she hasn't). Instead of me thinking, oh, she's having a bad day, my brain thinks, "what did I do to her?" and evolves into a internal huge dilemma that doesn't even exist, and quite honestly, Holly doesn't even know we have issues (well, because its non-existent in reality). The next time I see her, I might end up standoffish because I think she's pissed at me and then she'll wonder whats wrong with me and a cycle continues. For all I know, in my "pretend" Holly's mad at me day, Ryan puked on her favorite shirt as she was walking out the door and I'm the first person she saw. By no means is she mad at me--she's mad because she has a smelly, crusty yellow spot on her shirt. So, now, I'm supposed to not take everything so damn personally (which I knew already, but umm, yeah, never really thought about doing) and think, "geez, maybe she's having a bad day, I'll give her some space" instead of jumping to conclusions that she's got some sort of beef with me. My counselor seemed happy that I was making progress with my attempt to eliminate stress with things like my attempt to change shifts at work (still in progress, by the way). But, obviously, I can't eliminate all stress, so she's giving me tips to try to deal with all the other stuff I can't change.

Today was the first time we talked about my weight and WW and how its related to my emotions and self-esteem. If I learned anything from WW over the past 7 years (besides how to lose weight) is I will never forget the "memory" of being 240 pounds. We talked about things that motivate people to change and be successful. I didn't really think of it this way, but my memory of being 240 and unhappy is what motivates me not to gain. Yeah, I still gain and lose the same 10-15 pounds, but I have not and will not gain all of my weight back. I can now recognize when I'm eating too much there is "something" else wrong in my life and eating is my coping mechanism. The same is kind of true with this plateau I've had for quite a while (being 175ish and occasionally uncomfortable in my big girls pants) and me starting and stopping WW 3 times a week. For whatever reason(s), my self-esteem went from strong to not so strong. Its by no means where I want it to be. There's no arguing, it is much better than it was when I was 240. But, over the last year or so I've been up and down with how I feel about me and my relationships and work, etc. Throw in my views of what other people think of me (the Holly example) and that really brings me down. Brian had a good point....of all the people I think are either talking bad about me or act mean and I think its directed at me, probably only 1/8 of it is really about me.

So, my homework for this week is to focus on being less defensive. I need to be more compassionate and open minded and remember that my thoughts are created by me and I make them into what it is---positive or negative. I get the impression our "thoughts" about how others view us are directly related to how we feel about ourselves. When you feel good about yourself, you feel good about just about everything else in your life including what you think other people think about you. When you feel kinda crappy, you assume everyone else looks at you the same way. When Lori told me that I felt stupid. It's like its a cross between crazy and a theory that seemed way too simple. I get mad at people who hurt me. So, why am I creating thoughts that hurt me? When I sat there and thought about some of the things I've let come into my head I was really quite embarrassed. Thank God thoughts don't always make it out into the public.

With the hopes of being more optimistic which will in turn increase my self esteem just a tad and decrease the recent episodes of emotional eating, I stopped at Trader Joe's to stock up. In my fridge, freezer and pantry, I now have what I need to make better food choices this week. Brian's working 24 hours tomorrow so I'm actually thinking about trying a step class or Body Pump class at the gym. I haven't been there since well before Brandon got sick and, well, the rest of us got sick.

Today, I also learned I want quick fixes. Not that I'm impulsive, but when I don't see progress, I get frustrated. So, I'm probably not going to count my points. I'm going to do subtle things like eat my Trader Joe's white cheddar puffed corn instead of Cheetos. And my Mandarin Orange Chicken instead of Chinese carry out. I think with some little changes, I'll start to see major changes. I'll start out slow with the gym again (and pray no one ends up in the hospital and I don't get sick again) hopefully get into a routine. If I want some permanent changes in my life I have to do them in baby steps or everything is going to overwhelm me and I'll stop and be back to where I've been for the past few months. The good thing is, for the first time in a very long time, I'm very okay with taking the long, hard road. With my life, relationships, food, weight, work, etc., I want to work on fixing everything little by little so that I'm back to happy.