After reading this post, you may think I'm an incredibly selfish person. Maybe I am.
I'm not going to lie...I've been down in the dumps for the past few days. All that motivation I had? Gone. Makes me wonder if I really ever had it at all, even though I'm pretty sure that's not true. Who am I kidding? Down in the dumps for a few days? Try a few years.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was focusing on me and how I was changing my ways. That lasted one and half weeks. Why? Because EVERYTHING else got in the way. Slowly but surely my "me" time got gobbled up by some sort of drama. Kids, dogs, money, etc.
A few years back something happened between Brian and I that made me question everything. Me. Our relationship. Our future. My heart told me to move on without him. My brain told me I had to protect the kids. At that point they finally had some sense of normalcy in their life and I didn't want them to go through another life change. Since then, life has NOT been easy. Before that event, I took care of me. I was healthy. I worked out. I watched what I ate. I was always well-dressed with hair and nails done. I was an extremely happy person. In an instant, all of that went away and my focus went on rebuilding a broken relationship and making sure the kids (that I barely knew) knew nothing but happiness. Just keeping up with the lie that everything was perfect was draining.
A little over two years have gone by and I don't know where I stand. Everyday has been a struggle. Now I'm a person who could wear pajamas all day. I'm a fat 225 pounds. When I started this blog I was in the high 160s I believe. My body hurts. I can't do things I used to do. I can't even do the things I want to do because of my physical condition. What's the same? I still work hard everyday for my relationship with Brian and the kids. But the constant ex-wife issues and then getting up early to get kids ready for school and hearing, "but I want Mommy" is a soul crusher. The assumptions that "Sarah will do it" gets old. Another dog? Sure. Anything for the kids. Money? Well, whatever is left after is spending tons on couples counseling....that nice cushion I had is gone.
Here's the selfish part: I'm at the point where I feel like I'm "owed" the "me" time. I have been a team player and have worked hard for everyone else. I have never in my life worked harder at something. And there are positives that have come from it. But I'm EXHAUSTED of feeling like shit. It just old now. I know I knew what I was getting into by dating a man with ex's and kids. But I never thought I'd allow it to let me lose my identity. I wrote in a previous post that I want a vacation from life. I truly feel like the only way I could get back on track of being me is by taking a vacation from everything I know. By default, my only focus can be me. All I want is the old me back. As the years go by, I feel like I'll never get her. I don't know what to do.
7 comments:
Before anyone posts anything about me making excuses about weight loss or working out or anything, these are not excuses. This is about mental motivation. Things that bring me down. Things that if you haven't experienced in your life, you don't know what I'm talking about. I get frustrated by people who know all the answers but haven't a clue. I'm not giving up on my weight loss. I'm just tired of feeling down in the dumps.
I know I don't know you, but this post made me sad. I think you have every right to want to focus on yourself. There is nothing selfish about that. You can't be a good partner, friend, or step-mom to those kids if you don't take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy! I can relate to your struggles with weight-I have wanted to lose about 20 pounds since I can remember, but it never happens. I get motivated for about a week and a half, too and then I'm done. EVERY time.
Don't be so hard on yourself. If you have a setback, just keep going. I really hope things get better for you soon. :-) I think you are really brave to post your truth.
First thing I would like to say (even though you don't know me) is that I will be pray! I, of course, don't know the whole story but from what you said about mental motivation, dealing with the ex and the kids etc. Now that I do know something about. Maybe you do need even just a weekend a way by youself to regroup....to find out who you are now and go from there. I want to encourage you! Hang in there don't give up!
Can I also say that I enjoy reading your blogs! I too am struggling with motivation issues etc and it is nice to know there is someone who understands and is not afraid to share!!
Thanks guys. Comments really mean a lot. And Rebecca...I like that your cat's name is Pumpkin Pants. :) LOL
Ha! Ha! Thanks, she jumped up behind me as I was typing this!
What a wonderful honest and open post about the things that we generally hide from all. THIS is what is so amazing about blogging. I dont have any advice other than the fact that I agree with you, the pattern of what has been allowed needs to be broken, you need to reclaim your life back and that is NOT going to be an easy thing. Maybe you need more than a little break, there may be an entire life change that needs to be made. I know women are the ultimate sacrificers but in the end all those little sacrifices add up. Maybe it is time to try medication again.
regardless what each person goes through, there are ways to figure out how to be happy...it's going to be different for everyone. but what will be the same is that everyone has to be willing to do whatever necessary to reach their happiness.
i'm not claiming to "know all the answers" (nor am i claiming that i'm perfectly happy and don't still have things to work on myself), but determining what makes you happy and taking steps necessary to achieve it - with the understanding that you might upset other people, it won't be easy, you have to fight yourself, and life style changes are necessary - is across the board for anyone. so those who "haven't a clue" might just be on to something when it comes to making the decision to change things - even if they haven't had the exact experience you have.
maybe you could check out this blog because it might help you out
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/
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