I feel so guilty right now. I've been moping around since early this morning. I found out that a police officer that wrecked his cruiser last week died last night. I was dispatched on the call, and although I didn't end up treating him, I was at the hospital as he was wheeled in and spent hours with my crew making sure they got everything they wanted and needed from an emotional and mental point of view. I wanted to be sure they were cared for because 5 years ago I was the medic treating a police officer that died after a gunshot wound. I didn't get that support that was needed and pardon my French, but it "f'd" with my head for a while afterward. I met the officers dad at the hospital the other day and we made arrangements to meet tomorrow for lunch so the family could me the treating medics.
Anyway, everything has changed now. I'm sitting here sad, upset, concerned...emotional. Why do I feel guilty? Because as someone's family is mourning the loss of their 27 year old son/husband, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I should deal with my emotions. I usually eat them away with something fried. Or greasy. Or cheesy. I want to do the same right now.
3 comments:
It is terribly sad and you have a tough job. You asked for prayers and people prayed. The rest was out of your hands. You may find it helpful to call some friends and talk about it. You know you don't want to turn to food and eat wrong because your emotions have taken over (you can break old habits). You are the new Sarah and have proved it. You will feel even worse once you have chewed and swallowed the junk food you think will help you feel better. Please make some calls. I'm here also if you want to talk.
There is things which are beyond our control. You did all you could to save a life and to support the one this person loved most that is beautiful, and is not anything to feel guilty about.
Sometimes when something became out of our control, we turn to things we can control, like food. On my case was coke and sodas. We want to fill the emptyness which takes our souls. But you may have dicovered already thats not what it happens. We end full of food, fat, sugar, taking no pleasure of that, and feeling still more guilted.
Think about the good we did. Think about how the persons around your pacient would feel much more pain for their lost if there isn't someone like you who cared about then, who fought for their loved one life.
Your pacient, wherever he is, centainly is grateful for you.
Cheers from your brazilian friend.
OH DEAR. I cannot imagine what you are going through, having a highly emotional job and being an emotional eater must wreck havoc on you. I feel the pain and stress in this post. I hope you take consolation in the fact that you did everything you could and now that you spent so much time being strong to help others you must find a way to be strong to help yourself. What that is only you can know.
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