Everythings better with butter.

Brian and I are headed to Ruths Chris tomorrow for the 15th anniversary of his part time job. They're paying for dinner, drinks, and a hotel room. There are perks to not working for the government, I guess! Anyway...Ruths Chris. First off, I've never been there before. Secondly, everyone tells me they lather everything in butter. I gotta say I'm a little nervous about how it will affect my eating for the day. I'm hoping I can get a workout or two in just to accrue, so to speak, some extra points.

Regaining my focus.

I've got another successful day under my belt. I'm a few points over, but nothing to worry about. That's why the extra 35 are there, right?

Can I tell you about my night? Of course I can. I'm doing the typing here. So, I was a little bummed. I had a hair appointment at 4pm and nothing to do afterward. I was ravenous, but I figured if I ate supper that early, I'd be scrounging for something later in the evening. I stopped at the convenient store and bought a string cheese and a nut & fruit granola bar. (Yeah me!) I went to Home Goods and TJ Maxx for a while. 630pm came and I was super bummed. No one wanted to go to eat with me. Everyone was busy or didn't answer their phone or was working.... I started feeling sad for myself then thought, screw it. I'm taking myself out on a date.

Where did we (I) go? Chickfila. I avoided pizza because if I got it I'd eat too much. I avoided pasta places because I was craving Alfredo and weight loss and Alfredo don't mix well together. Yes I was there yesterday, but I decided Chickfila was best because I knew the points value of the food, it would fill me up, and well, it was downright delicious. (NOTE: If you are without child, do not pick the table next to the play area door unless you want to be a volunteer door opener, babysitter, and "don't touch that" person.)

Then what? I was over feeling bad for myself. I was taking full advantage of my free time. Some people may choose massages or something like that when they have a free moment. Me? I went to Borders. I spent hours there. I wandered. I read. I decided to be cliche because I was in a book store so I ordered a hot drink. Their drinks are hot. Ask my right hand after I spilled green tea on it. (I don't know if they had a "hot" designation on my cup. Maybe I should sue. Barnes, Noble and Sarah has a nice ring to it.) I bought a book. I found out they make Little Golden books again so I shopped again and bought some more. And when I was all done, I realized hours had gone by. At no point was I hungry. I never once thought of food, even when ordering my tea and all kinds of sweets were staring me in the face.

What have I learned? I've lost focus. When money got tight, I stopped going out. I stopped going places where I could potentially spend money. But being so focused on trying to save or re-allocate our money led me to lose focus on me. A day I used to look forward to so much (Brian's shift) turned into just another lazy day where I did nothing. I stopped doing things I liked to do. Because we more comfortable financially doesn't mean I can go spend money like crazy. It does allow me to have a day every now and again where I can take myself on a date. Overall, though, this experience has taught me to always keep some focus on myself. I need that for my overall health. I need to get out. Maybe next time it will be a library, or a book club, or some community program. But, this battle with weight is so much more than food and exercise. Its about overall well-being. I can't forget that or I will not win this battle.

Do-right in the do right zone.

I'm not counting today as a do-over day. I'm counting it as my much needed "do-right" day.

I only brought snacks to work so I had to buy all my meals. I started my day off at Panera Bread and had a super delicious egg and cheese on ciabatta. Snack time (yes, I might be in kindergarten...minus the naptime) consisted of a WW mozzarella string cheese and 7 oz of strawberries. Lunch was DELICIOUS. I was craving chicken strips so I stopped by Chickfila and had a crispy chicken salad. I figured it was a better choice than chicken strips, potato wedges, and a biscuit. OMG it was wonderful! It was 13 points, which for some of you is nearly all your points for the day (LOTS of points a day is the one benefit of being a big girl...) but I loved every one of them. I'm glad I indulged in it because I didn't eat supper until 10pm which was a lean cuisine pizza. For my sweet, I got a mini bag (1pt) of kettle corn. At some point there was a snack of almonds but I can't remember when. I ended up 3 points over my target.

I exercised. My schedule at work got all messed up so I ended up at a different firehouse around 7pm. I was a little annoyed for various reasons so I decided to vent (without talking) and walk it out on the treadmill. It worked. I walked for 30 minutes then did some lifting with free weights while I watched NCIS (did I ever mention my love for my future husband DiNozzo?) and House. Luckily I wasn't interrupted by any 911 calls so I got the full workout in, plus a shower.

My motivation to "do-right" today? My ill fitting uniform pants. I've been down this road before, I know. But, today they were particularly uncomfortable. I've been hiding all winter under bulky sweatshirts. Today, even though it was warm, I didn't want to take my sweatshirt off because I didn't want anyone to see just how much my pants were pulling. I can't spend a whole summer like that. Throw in some sweat with a hot day and its going to be bad news bears for me (and my pants).

After seeing Elizabeth, I feel I have the knowledge to make good decisions. I proved I can do it one day. I can make one day two. And two days three. I have to work on my emotional eating and increasing my exercise. Maybe changing the word exercise to activity will help. I have to keep the house (and my car, bag, etc.) stocked with healthy snacks. I have to keep cooking. I have to stop doing things in parts...like eat good one day, cook another, exercise another. I have to do them all. Always. Remembering that is hard to do some days.

So I'm sure you're all dying to know....

how did I deal with my emotions? Well...I ate. But, before you give me an, "ahhh, Sarah....." hear me out. So early on yesterday I told Brian we'd need to go to happy hour--supposedly to get my mind off things. Happy hour for us used to be just that. Happy. But somehow it turned into this sad hour (or hours) where food and drink made us feel better. Or so we thought.

Around 4pm, we went to the bar, found a seat and ordered some appetizers and a beer. Harmless. We ordered a second drink. It went down, but not as smooth. It occured to me, I had no desire to drink. What used to be a "fun" event for Brian and I has turned into something depressing and it wasn't going to change anything. I still was going to be sad. It wasn't a coping mechanism. If it did anything, it was just going to make me pee. I ended up drinking fountain Diet Pepsi from that point on, which I found so much more refreshing anyway.

We had some appetizers. When Brian and I go out for Happy Hour (when we're happy) we don't order meals, we just get appetizers. It used to be our special date night so we didn't think about the crap we were eating, we just enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong. I ate my fair share of junk last night. It made me feel better for a while. But it still didn't change anything. And unlike our "happy" hours, I felt guilty about it later. Our old happy hours used to be our "free" day back when we didn't eat crap. I don't know what we used to eat, but it was something that kept us skinny! LOL.

So, what made me feel better? Going home and watching TV in bed with Brian and having him whisper, "Goodnight peanut" in my ear. If I could just realize I'm going to feel guilty about what I'm eating BEFORE I eat it, I think I'd do a lot better.

I feel so guilty right now. I've been moping around since early this morning. I found out that a police officer that wrecked his cruiser last week died last night. I was dispatched on the call, and although I didn't end up treating him, I was at the hospital as he was wheeled in and spent hours with my crew making sure they got everything they wanted and needed from an emotional and mental point of view. I wanted to be sure they were cared for because 5 years ago I was the medic treating a police officer that died after a gunshot wound. I didn't get that support that was needed and pardon my French, but it "f'd" with my head for a while afterward. I met the officers dad at the hospital the other day and we made arrangements to meet tomorrow for lunch so the family could me the treating medics.

Anyway, everything has changed now. I'm sitting here sad, upset, concerned...emotional. Why do I feel guilty? Because as someone's family is mourning the loss of their 27 year old son/husband, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I should deal with my emotions. I usually eat them away with something fried. Or greasy. Or cheesy. I want to do the same right now.

Someone call a doctor...

because it is Pizza Monday--the greatest self made holiday of them all--and I am eating one, yes one, slice of pizza. Did I mention only ONE?

Today's "morning after my getting off my shift" was less than typical. I had to sleep in because I was so tired I wanted to be sure I could drive home. (Bedtime for me was 530am.) I stopped at the hospital to visit someone I knew. I made all kinds of stops along the way home, the final being at this Italian place I used to eat at all the time when I was in medic school. My cell phone confirmed it was in fact Monday and since lunchtime was rolling around it was imperative that I follow Pizza Monday protocol and, well, eat pizza. I got in the restaurant and looked at the menu and ****SHOCKER*** I didn't want pizza! I know. I checked myself for a fever. I chalked it up to lack of sleep and delirium. What did I want, you may ask? A salad. I should have been a direct admit to the ICU right then and there.

Yep. A salad. And that's what I had. It may not have been the most healthy salad in the world as it was a chicken Caesar salad, but it was a salad nonetheless. I paired it up with bruschetta as I was craving tomatoes with olive oil and I don't really even like tomatoes. Then, to be safe, I ordered a slice of pizza....to go. I mean it would still be Monday for another 12 hours and I didn't want to get kicked out of the Pizza Monday fan club (even though I'm creator, President, and in charge of membership).

So, I FULLY enjoyed my salad and my bruschetta and on the way out the door, once comfortably full, I picked up my ONE slice of pizza to go. I napped the afternoon away, woke up around 630pm and now I'm enjoying my delicious slice of pizza. I think knowing there are no more slices to follow it up with, I'm actually savoring it. Or I've completely lost my mind and someone needs to save me.

Oh, balls!

I haven't been in over a week, but today I went back to the chiropractors for a good back crack and some exercises. They've made all of my exercises ball-based now which look so easy. Until you try to do them. Holy hell, I was so embarrassed! There were exercises that no matter HOW hard I tried, I physically couldn't do them. Like, balancing on the ball via my thighs then lift my leg and my alternate arm. I couldn't do it. I couldn't balance! We made some adjustments in my positioning so I could complete the exercises, but I was frustrated to say the least. What didn't help was the wall of mirrors to kick my brain back into reality. In my eyes, I looked like a seal trying to gracefully balance on the ball. It wasn't cute.

I came home with six or so exercises. I have an appointment next Saturday at the same time. There WILL be an improvement and George (the exercise guy) will notice it and compliment me on my progress. (Just so this happens, will someone call George and let him know his lines?)

On the food subject, I thought the meal plan Elizabeth gave me was too many calories. Yeah, why would I think that seeing as though she's the DIETITIAN. I'm so stubborn sometimes. Anyway, like I said last post, I'm combining her plan with WW. I ate this wonderful breakfast of eggs, toast and cheese with a snack of a pear and was completely full. I just sat down and logged it all into eTools thinking I'm going to be off track....nope. I'm only 7 points into my day. I still have 20 to go and its already 1pm. I haven't been on track like this, and not starving, in forever!

A pear for your apple bottom?

After much thought, I'm going to combine WW and what my dietitian told me to do. I prepaid for 3 months of etools, so I'm going to journal my foods online utilizing suggestions from Elizabeth instead of a paper that I've lost three times already.

I'm happy to hear Laura went back to WW since having her baby and my old partner is going to a dietitian next week. Now, I have two of my closest friends with the same goal as I. And knowing them both personally, I know exactly what they were like "before." Like if Mike can have will power and avoid Chinese food, then so can I. I think its more helpful having someone you really know on a journey like this. I just wish I had someone a little closer to me instead of them both being in PA and I'm here in MD. But, I guess I can't be choosy.

Did I mention I love pears? I do and I didn't even know it before last week. They are my new favorite snack. Did you ever think you'd hear me say I love fruit as a snack? I know--shocked the shit out of me, too.

I can't afford to be healthy

How sad is that? I honestly can't afford to eat the organic foods Elizabeth suggested. I spent $100 the other day at the store and that only got me two or three bags of food, and nothing substantial at that. Although I may not be able to afford to follow her plan to a T or see her every two weeks as she'd like, I'm glad I learned what I should be eating and when. In the past week my snacks have changed dramatically. I've learned what works and what doesn't. I'm eating fruit like its going out of style. So, I'm going to follow her basic rules, eat clean when I can, and see how it goes.

Well, I'm a few days into my diet plan and it seems to be working. I haven't had any issues with belly pain since cutting wheat out. I have to say its a little difficult eating organic all the time, especially when I'm at work, but I'm trying. Its a little more expensive so my pantry isn't exactly stocked like I'm used to. Well, the pantry still is stocked, but not really with stuff I can eat.

I have to keep a food diary just like I did with WW. And just like WW I find once I think I'm okay not to journal is the day I screw up. TOday is my screw up day. Tomorrow will not be.