We got our scores back from our Lt. exams today. I was hoping or I guess expecting to do well. I ranked fourth out of four people. There were three phases to the exam--a written, a written practical, and a video practical. I did okay on the two writtens, but apparently not so good on the video portion. I walked out of the test knowing stuff I should have said and other stuff I should have left out. But, by that point it was too late.
The practical portion of the exam was a few hours long. I'm not making excuses because it is what it is. I know I could have studied more, etc. The only thing I wonder is did Brandon's party help distract me? I was very focused on the written part. The video portion, I kept looking at my watch wondering if I'd get home in time to get ready for the party and I lost my train of thought a lot. I probably shouldn't have scheduled a 7 year olds birthday party on the same day as the exam and have all kinds of family around visiting from everywhere, with some staying at the house. I know I was worn out after the test. I had to pull over to get a Diet Pepsi because I was falling asleep on the way home.
When I finally got home and walked in my house I was so overwhelmed with people that weren't even supposed to be there for another one or two hours. Of course everyone wanted those obligatory kisses and hugs. Everyone wants to help even when you don't need it, but they do it anyway. Knowing how stressed I was about the exam and the party, my mom pulled me aside and told me to go upstairs and hide for a few hours to relax because Brian had everything under control. Bastard Cat was up there already hiding/waiting for me. (He's a smartie.) I'd like to say I relaxed, but I wasn't able to. I kept reviewing the test at the same time as I wondered what was happening in my house while I was in our room. I colored my hair instead. It was mindless.
Like I said, I can't change the past but now I wonder just how focused I really was. If you can't tell, I'm aggravated with myself. My dad always made me be the best at whatever it was I did. And if I didn't achieve that "best" goal then that meant I didn't try hard enough or work hard enough according to him. I remember plenty of nights getting yelled at for screwing something up in basketball or him refusing to talk to me after I made an unpopular decision about college or my major. I never got that "I'm genuinely proud of you because you did something you set out to do whether it was good or bad," pat on the back. It seems like my successes or failures affected how "he" would look and we couldn't make him look bad. The sad part, the first thing I thought of today upon getting my score is my dad will be disappointed. And, quite honestly, I could give two poops about what he thinks. I'm more upset that I still think that way after years and years have gone by.
Sometimes trying for the best was a good motivator when I was in high school, but now, 10-15 years later, the effects are lasting. I am not okay with just passing even though I hopefully will get promoted. It just may not be as soon as everyone else. I'm not okay with not meeting expectations. I feel I have to be #1 or 2 or everyone will think badly of me. I guess I still have some esteem/confidence issues to work out. I just pray Brian and I don't do that type of thing to the kids, although I'm sure we'll do something to send them to therapy. I am confident every parent does. :)
On another note, my liquid diet officially starts now. :( I'm so not going to like tomorrow.
3 comments:
Obviously you do care about what your dad thinks or his disappointment wouldn't be your first reaction. But now you know to push it aside.
However, if you want to avoid the issue, simply tell him you ranked fourth. Or "In the top ten." That sounds good. No need to say how many people were actually competing. :-)
I am very proud of you. You have not been with the Fire Department very long, especially to be going for Lieutenant. I think the end goal that you make happen is the most important thing. If you wanted to pass 10th grade let's say and you did ok (but tried--I'm not even saying trying your hardest) and passed, well that is an accomplishment and a goal met. And, the end result was you got what you wanted. There are many physicians out there who are very successful, smart, etc. who graduated lower in medical school then they would have liked, but went on and became a better doctor perhaps than the ones who finished at the top of their class. I know you will become a lieutenant when you are meant to and in the end, that was your goal. I say "goals" are so much more important getting there than how you got there.
Good luck with the colonoscopy prep and, of course, the colonoscopy.
Disappointment is a toughie.
It's funny how the things we learn as a kid shape us and stick with us.
... liquid diet?
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