Healthy life, here I come....

I got some more information about the nutritionist. They tell me I'd meet with them for a 90 minute session and they custom design a nutritional plan for me taking into account my goals, my history, and medical problems that lead to weight gain. Having a nutritionist who is familiar with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome along with the side effects from all of the medicines I'm on would be so very beneficial to me. I was told they come up with meal plans and recipes based on the food I like. They teach ways to make healthy food tasty so I'll actually eat it. They also come up with an exercise program for me to follow. Once I leave there, I will have my whole program set up for me. I don't need to come back, unless I want to or I start to fall off the wagon.

Brian thinks its a good idea, as do I. The first appointment is nearly $300 which is a bit pricey so I'm going to have to wait a few weeks to see her. Gotta love a $400 gas/electric bill...ugh.

I scheduled an appointment with a chiropractor for Tuesday. I'm petrified to go, to be honest. I went one time, about 10 years ago, and I ended up with the most horrible muscle spasm from the adjustment. But, for the past few months, my body has hurt so horribly, I really need to do something about it. I told someone if my body had an age it would probably be 80. My grandmother can move better than me. Its really quite pathetic to see a 29 year old hobbling around like I do when I get out of bed or out of a chair if I've been sitting too long. Brian's always joking with me about it. I never really took into account that my aches could be cause of some of my blah feelings/moments, but I guess it could be. I'm ready to fix it. Thankfully, my insurance will cover it.

I feel confident about these upcoming changes. I think its what I need at this point in my life. I'd love to think about getting a trainer, but again, there's $$ associated with that. I'm already working on reallocating funds...I cancelled WW online yesterday. I'm returning clothes I didn't end up wearing on the cruise. I'm hopeful by the time summer roles around they'd be too big anyway. I'm eating in when I'd rather be eating out. Its going to take some time, but it will all come together.

Now, if I could just figure out if my power company has a budget plan....

Nutritionist?

After reading my last post, I realized I have NO idea whats good and bad for my body. I have just enough information to be harmful. Months ago, Lorena recommended I go to a nutritionist. Her son went to this lady and lost 20 pounds, but better than that, learned how to eat healthy. Me? I said thanks, and didn't act on it. I can do it myself. Well, look where I'm at now. Still blogging about the same ol' crap.

I'm sure there will be quite a cost associated with going to a nutritionist. Its unfortunate, we live in the most powerful country in the world, yet we are the fattest, most unhealthy, and saddest looking people around. Yet, to try to buy healthy stuff or get the help that's needed (don't get me started on health care) we have to pay out the butt! Ugh.

Trying to be organic? maybe?

On the cruise my friend and I spent some time in the spa. We went to this consultation about detoxing and organic foods and whatnot. I gotta say, thinking about some of the crap we put in our bodies kinda grossed me out. I'm still very much up in the air about detoxing. I did end up buying this detox system which goes on for 3 months. #1. Taste like crap. Crap may actually taste better. #2. I'm a skeptic. I don't know enough about detox--I mean the concept make sense, but do I need algea to clean me out and boost my metabolism? I've been reading up on it and some people swear by it while others think its crap. I just don't know....now I'm starting to think its a gimmick to get you to eat healthier.

I am liking the concept of the organic eating. Brian and I shopped at the Common Market the other day and bought some stuff for the house. I'm to the point now that things like WW cakes and 100 calorie packs are starting to gross me out. Its the thought of plastic and preservatives and general yuckiness thats doing it for me. Will it help in the long run? Who knows.

Its all over.

Our vacation, that is. It was nice while it lasted, but I have to admit, we may have done a little more partying than we should have. Brian and I are not big drinkers. I rarely drink to be honest and Brian's more of a wine guy every now and again. Although I am SOOO very proud of myself for NEVER overdoing it with food on the cruise, my drinks, I'm sure, caught up with me. I can't really complain though. I did gain, which I'm okay with, but it was only 3 or 4 pounds, not the 10+ I brought back with me from last April's cruise...and most of the 3 or 4 pounds I think I've already peed out.

I'm hesitant, but I'm going to WW tomorrow. I'm so bad about going when I know there is going to be a gain. I'm thinking about going to a Step & Sculpt class tomorrow at the YMCA too. I'm so embarrassed about working out in a group setting. I know I'm not good at it so I feel like everyone is watching me.

From the middle of the ocean

We are out here floating away. Eating has been good, if you ask me. There are few desserts so thats not an issue and here on Celebrity Cruises they scoop out our food so there is no possiblity of over-dosing on food. Each morning I have a little scoop of scrambled eggs and wheat toast and some cereal. Lunch is a salad and maybe a sandwich. Dinner is nothing big. I'm totally NOT snacking, unlike all my other cruises. I'm not going to lie. I"ve had a few too many drinks, but thats not the norm for me. Once I get home everything will be back to normal and there isn't the slightest bit or disappointment from me.

More when I'm back in the states!! :)

I've found faith

I gotta say, even though I'm talking a pretty big game about how "good" I'll be on our vacation, I'm a little nervous. I don't want to undo any progress that has already been made when it comes to my weight loss. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the rough times, but I think that problem has been solved.

This evening I went through my purse and found a gift certificate to a local boutique. I'm not a boutique girl, so the fact that $10 off paper was even in my purse is crazy enough. I had nothing better to do, so I ventured in after supper at Panera Bread. This place is all about Brighton and Vera Bradley. I wandered for a while and then I found this bracelet. Its a cheap thing...silver on an elastic string that says: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed....nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20." Thats me. Thats what I needed.

Over the past few weeks, I have to say, my religious faith has blossomed. I've seen my friends son go from near death to walking around a hospital and lifting weights. When doctors say its a miracle, the logical me still has problems accepting it, but the spiritual me can accept nothing but it was a miracle. God had some hand in his diagnosis and his continuing recovery.

I've seen what prayers can do. But, at the same time, I know that you have to have faith. I think I'm finally "getting" what my mom has been talking about all these years when she described faith to me. I guess what I'm getting at, is finally, I have a little faith. I have faith in me. I have faith in God. I have faith that I can go on this cruise and be successful. I just need this little bracelet and the attached cute little mustard seed to remind me when I start to falter. I will be okay.

Are we there yet?

Although I've had good progress since starting WW again on the 1st of the year, I feel like its not going well. I really can't complain. Its been two weeks, I've lost at least 3 or 4 pounds, (really, nearly 10 counting my weight since before I started meetings), plus I found my waist again. Our upcoming cruise has me thinking about the perfect size 6 girls that are going to be on it and how me and my lumpy ass will be trying to stay as far away as possible. Isn't it a shame? I'm going on a vacation and instead of looking forward to it I'm like a million other ladies dwelling on negativity.

I really have a hard time with compliments. I mean I love getting them, don't get me wrong, but I guess I don't believe them. Like, if someone told me I look nice in my bathing suit, I'd say they were lying. Because I don't like what I see, I assume everyone doesn't. I don't know how to change that thinking though. Its frustrating.

I guess I'm very ready to be one of those size 6 girls. Really, I've never been a size 6 girl so I'd settle with size 12 at this point. I just wish I could be at my goal already. I want to skip all the hard work.

Don't make me go naked!

I need clothes for the cruise and can't find anyplace that has them. Suggestions? We leave Sunday.

Need an excuse?

I have a totally, horrible, really bad excuse why I didn't work out today. I'm going to use it anyway. I was busy. I slept til 4pm because I worked yesterday. I got up, showered again, took the dog out and froze my butt off and then started working on this project for work. Its not so much a project as it is a report, but its proven to be a very time consuming report. Maybe not to everyone, but I'm a perfectionist, so it takes me longer to do things like that. I've been working on it all night and I just finished and emailed it off. I swear, I just looked at the clock on my computer and its says 1am. When did that happen? I've been so caught up working on this, literally hours have gone by.

I promise. Tomorrow. I promise. I'd consider doing it now but I'm not taking another shower before bed. (I have a book of bad excuses. If you need one, give me a call.)

Tomorrow.....I promise.

Dear Dominos:

Thank you for having a super cool calorie builder thingy on your website. I now know my pizza was 252 calories a slice. Too bad I don't like your pizza more.

Love,
Me.

I heart Wawa.

I used to (and probably still do) love Wawa for their apple fritters. Mmmmm....apple fritters. But now I love Wawa because they make it easy for me to eat good.

I missed breakfast today. I got so caught up doing stuff at work that I just forgot about it. Around 11:30am I figured I better doing something about food or it could turn into a bad day. Wawa is on the way to my firehouse, so I decided that's where I was going to eat. I figured I'd get a sub and chips or something, but I did soooo much better than that. I chose a ham and cheese sub, skipping my normal turkey, cheese and mayo, a bag of apples (pre-peeled--loved it!), a non-fat strawberry/banana yogurt for later, cute containers of grapes and pineapple, a Special K 90 calorie bar as dessert, and Baked Lays. Everything had nutritional values on it, except the sub, but wawa.com has it on their website. I'm comfortably full and I still have 15 points left for the day. I NEVER have 15 points left in my day at 1pm. I don't even know what to do with myself! I'm sure I can spare a few points and throw them towards yesterday's pizza fiasco.....

Thank you Wawa for making my life a little easier and less stressful. I might visit you every fourth day for lunch....

Did you see that? Its my waist!

We all know "chubby" is my motivator. But, shopping may be my new one.

I got my hair trimmed yesterday and once I left there I walked down to White House Black Market. I've never been before. Too girly. Too overpriced. But, I had nothing to do, so I went in. Overpriced? Holy hell, yeah. At least in my book. There was a clearance rack in the back and I have a cruise to go on next weekend. (Did I mention that yet??) Twenty minutes later, I found myself in a dressing room trying on all sorts of tops. Thirty five minutes later, I walked out with three tops. (All $19.99, thank you very much!! Some I saved more than $70 on!!) Anyway, I felt cute. Maybe its because the dressing room was a little fancier than Ross or TJMaxx. Or maybe.....its because I found my waist.

Yep. I found my waist. Its right where it used to be. It still has a protective roll below it, but at least there isn't one above and below it. Its smaller than my hips, like it used to be. I put a shirt on and shirt was flattering. Then and there, I realized, there will come a point where I will enjoy shopping and I will try to play up my curves. It won't be like it is now where I go shopping and try to find stuff that hides my rolls.

That big mirror in the dressing room got me thinking. I sat down on the red bench realized when I sit down, I don't have that roll that holds up my boobs. (Cute visual, I know.) That extra roll was the one that added to my trouble breathing and uncomfortableness (is that a word?), especially in my uniform pants. Its going away. There will be a point where I will be comfortable. I will be able to breath no matter what. I can wear what I want. There will be a day when my wardrobe will not consist solely of yoga pants and Brian's t-shirts. I might actually be looking forward to that day.

A learning experience.

Brian jumped on my weight loss bandwagon. I'm glad he's making an effort. His food issues are different than mine. He's into sweets. I'm not saying I'm not, but where I binge and eat a variety of things, he could sit and eat a platter of cookies if he had a tall enough glass of milk. And since he started watching what he's eating, I'm starting to "get" why it has been, and continues to be, hard for him to support me at times. I get frustrated why he doesn't "understand" why I'm eating and thinks its so easy for me to just stop, even though it might not be. He eats when he's tired as I do, but there are times where I don't "get" why he can't just stop eating sweets. You had three cookies, why do you need six? I guess its comparable to why I need(ed) four slices of pizza, not just two.

Part of me likes that he's struggling. We had an hour and twenty minute ride home from a class this afternoon. The ride was about two hours after we had lunch and he was saying how hungry he was. It may be mean, but I was happy he got hungry. It made me realize he's not perfect as I thought he was when I'd have my hungry moments and he wasn't.

If you went to this week's meeting you know that WW is encouraging tracking points and "learning" about your food. Today's lunch made me realize I'm still learning things to make me successful. We went to Panda Express. I know, I know, it may have been a little high in points. But, once there, I choice white rice over lo mien, even though I wanted the lo mien. I choice black pepper chicken over sweet fire or whatever their new chicken was. I ate all my vegetables, even the yucky pieces of celery. When I ordered, I knew I had to get something flavorful so I wouldn't crave something else. I needed the rice to "fill" me a little bit. I needed vegetables just because I need them. The end result? I was pleasantly filled---and, not hungry two hours later.

Did I know all that when I sat down? No. Well, maybe deep down I did, but when I compared my plate to Brian's I felt like a fat ass. His was filled with veggies and chicken, no rice or noodles. It made me think I should have done better ordering--I should have ditched the rice. But two hours later, as he complained he was hungry, I realized that sometimes I need foods, like the rice, in my meals to keep me full. It may be extra points up front, but if I end up hungry two hours later, trust me, I WILL eat way more than the points value of the initial food. So, the rice cost me 4 points. If I had none? I probably would have binged when I walked in the house and eat at least 6 points of food.

Does that work for everyone? No. Will it work for Brian? Who knows. But, after all this time, I'm finally "learning" my food and how it affects me. I'm better off having a meal that keeps me full rather than allowing me to graze and snack during the day.

The other thing I learned? Its okay to have a bad day--even if its a scheduled bad day. This WW stuff has a little bit of stress associated with it. Am I within my points for the day? How many points is that entree? Do I REALLY want that extra slice of pizza? I learned I need one day to be bad. One day to make me feel like I'm a "normal" person that doesn't need to count everything that goes in my mouth. Will that be the case forever? Probably not. There will come a point where I have to count everything. But, for right now, I have that opportunity and I'm going to take full advantage of it. Tonight was that night. We ordered Dominos while watching the football game. And you know what? I ate better than I normally do. Only two slices from a large pizza. Two small boneless wings, and just a few cinnasticks. DEFINITELY less than what the old Sarah would have eaten in the past.

New Me: Week 1

I wish someone told me the feeling I got the night before vacation or Christmas would still exist, only the event would change. Now, instead of getting that "yippee" feeling on the way to Disney, I get it an hour before going to my WeightWatchers meeting. Ugh. I don't remember signing up to get old.

Anyway....SUCCESS! An awesome success, in my book. All my journaling paid off. I don't remember withholding on any food. I ate good food, had a good time with friends, and still lost 3.6 pounds. I knew it walking in. Ok, maybe not the exact amount but I knew I did good.

Who do I have to thank? Dr. "Chubby." Without him, I'd mindlessly eat and nibble. But after his comment last week, the word CHUBBY has popped into my head anytime I went to eat something I should not have and I was able to avert a crisis. To him I'm thankful. Funny, God has plans for everything. I'm going to look at my event positively. Even though I ended up disciplined maybe this is God's way of saying, "girl, this is your year. Get it together." Or maybe its coincidence, but I like the God story better.

Ow

Yesterday during my Pilates workout the nice lady kept talking about my abs and my core. She forgot to mention my legs were going to hurt today. I guess I should have known based on how much they were shaking during the workout. No pain, no gain, right? Right.

I've got my lunch packed for work tomorrow. The gym bag, too. Hopefully at some point I'll be able to get a little workout in somewhere. I have to remember to pack something for the ride home Thursday. I pray packing a little breakfast will break my binging when I walk in the door.

Workout #1

I just completed my first workout for 2010! I did 45 minutes of Pilates. I think I liked it. I'm not sure yet. I liked that I didn't have to jump around like an idiot or stand out in the cold, but it got frustrating when I couldn't do some of the moves towards the middle of the workout. My legs were shaking so bad from the beginning of the workout I could barely keep them straight for any of the latter moves. I sweat up a storm, let me tell you. I'm considering, at some point, adding a little yoga to the mix. I have so many tight muscles its not even funny. But for now, I'm going to take it one workout at a time.

Do-over, starting at 3pm

I didn't have a great night. I've done well with my WW planning, but I'm still tweaking the 24 hour shifts where I'm awake for most of all of it. The normal world eats every few hours then sleeps through the night. I, on the other hand, am awake for all of the hours and try to talk my body out of eating for the last 8 of it and to pretend I'm a "normal" person. That 24 hour shift leads into the beginning of the next day which usually involves exhaustion, some level of stress, and hunger.

This morning was like all others. Only I came home and I told myself (as I was eating) that I was just tired, not hungry and that I should just go straight to be. I binged. I had all kinds of nibbles in my kitchen. Then finally, I went to bed.

I awoke at 3pm frustrated thinking back to my breakfast events. "I probably ate a days worth of points for breakfast," I thought. Then I said outloud, "Screw it. I'm starting over."

What happened between 6pm last night and 3pm today doesn't count. It was a flub up. I lost my balance and a fell a little but I woke up ready to go. I journaled my lunch and will my dinner and I'll be back on track.

For next shift, I'm going to pack peanut butter on raisin bread as a breakfast for the ride home. It will give me something to do while driving and I figure it should fill me up by the time I get to the house. Now, I just have to learn to walk right past the kitchen when I get home. I need a door on the kitchen. With a lock. Maybe 2 or 3 locks.

For tonight.....I may take a stab at Pilates. I hope I don't fall over.

Where's the "Chubby Girl?"

I'll spare details, but I got into an altercation early this morning with a doctor in an ER. My concern was about a patient and the doctor was more concerned with finding out "who do you think you're talking to?" Long story short, I obviously struck a nerve and a complaint was generated. I walked away to call my supervisor about the incident and when I returned my partner, a long time friend, had this disgusted look on his face. I asked what was wrong and he said, "I'm about to go nuts on that guy." I asked him if the doc said something about me and my partner replied yes. I jokingly asked, "was it good?" and my partner shook his head no. He told me the doctor came out of the room and said, "where's that chubby girl?" I later found out my partner said, "that girl is my Lt., and don't call her that." He was so serious. Me? It rolled off my back like no big deal.

I ended up talking to my supervisor yet again and filled him in with the chubby comment and he (having just had gastric bypass surgery) said, "thats not cool." Again, me? No big deal. I told Brian about it. He had the same reaction.

So tell me.....why is it that I don't have any reaction? In my head I just hit a nerve and that adult is using childish words because he has nothing else to say. To everyone else, I should be upset.

The ride home from work was long. I didn't sleep at all last night so I was obviously tired. With tired brings hungry. Or so I think. It definitely doesn't bring clear thinking. I thought of the entire fiasco that happened at the ER over and over again, yet the word chubby just kept popping in my head. No feelings...just the word chubby.

I've never ever been called names before. Well, thats a lie, but they've been cuss words based on my aggressive, yet assertive attitude. (What a good definition of "bitch," you think?) Yet there I was, for the first time in my life, being called a name. It wasn't "that medic" or "that bitch." It was a comment based on my physical features. I think I didn't react because I don't even know how to react to that. But I'm not going to lie. I think it bothers me.

Follow Julian's progress

Anyone wanting to follow the progress and prayers for my friend Lorena's son can do so by going to www.carepages.com. Create a profile, then search under friends and family for 4JulianKinard. Any messages/prayers are greatly appreciated.

Day 1: done

I journaled. I thought things out. I made good choices.

Day 2: gotta work for 24 hours. Breakfast and lunch are packed. I've got 8.5 points to find something for supper.