Time.

This one is kinda philosophical. Maybe its not because I've never taken a philosophy class so I'm not sure what is really philosophical talk. But I think this is what they talk about in philosophy classes, so I'm saying this post is slightly philosophical. That and I just typed philosophy or some derivative of that word 4 or 5 times and each time I've spelled it different so I hope the spell check is working on this thing....

Anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about time. Its kinda crazy if you think about it. When I'm at work 24 hours feels like an eternity. A minute couldn't go by any slower if it tried. When I'm in the back of a medic unit treating someone and they aren't getting better those minutes feel like years and we can't get to the hospital any sooner. After I give that patient to the ER staff, I have to write my report. And once everything is timestamped I realize those year long minutes were really a quick 1 1/2 hours.

This weekend I celebrated my 3rd anniversary at work. On one hand, three years has flown by. On the other, I can't imagine spending 17 more here. I try to look back and figure out why it seems those three years have flown by and why I don't look to the future with the same attitude.

Besides work, my life has changed tremendously in three years. With change usually brings stress and following shortly behind stress is that feeling that "its never going to end." I was married when I got hired by the fire department. We were rocky to start with then, but we put on a good front. I had no idea how much my work would add to that rockiness. Throw in some mental stress of a few of the worst calls I've ever run/seen, the stress from selling a house and buying a new one, longer commutes, an eventual separation, lots of family issues, transfers at work, rumors, moving back to MD an eventual divorce....lets just say that two years or so of work was horrible, or so it seemed at the time. (I don't want you to think work itself was bad---I'm just using it as a timestamp. Work and the people there with me was probably the only reason I didn't go nuts.) Each one of those events felt like an eternity. I swore to my friends I'd never come out of it sane. (Maybe I didn't! :) ).

But out of all that bad, came good. I learned a lot about myself. I learned I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Yeah, I still second guess myself way more than I should. I still try to please people that I may never really please, and to be honest, I'm not sure why I stress myself out trying. I've learned people believe what they want to believe, and most of the time its not the truth. When I was learning to be a medic, someone told me, "just make a decision. Right or wrong, make it and stick with it. Chances are you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll immediately know to fix it or never to do it again. " Now granted, that was really geared to treating sick patients, but its really true in life. After living through those two years, I learned I could make decisions about me all by myself. I didn't need to consult someone else or be "told" what I had to do. And with that came a lot of grief. I know people think my decisions may not have been "right" but that's through their eyes. Through my eyes, I can tell you although none were easy, they were right for me.

Reviewing the last year, I can sit here now and say (type) I'm happy. Honestly happy. I have a cute little townhouse which is finally starting to feel like a home, a cost-effective commuter car and a gas guzzling SUV. There's my cat Baxter, who's nickname is Bastard. I really think God or fate brought us together so he could be more of my therapist then my pet. (I pray he never learns to talk or I'm doomed). I date someone with lots of drama and I love him more than I thought I ever could. Its very different then before----I can't even describe it. Sometimes I sit back and say I've got to be crazy. But its working even when it seems like its not, so I have decided to stop second-guessing it and let it go. (See, I told you I had to work on the 2nd guessing....). Speaking of time, I can devote an entire blog about him and time, but I'll spare all of you.

Anyway, I've been told the way my life has played out over the past few years were results of bad, non thought out decisions. "You're going to get hurt"...."you're have ulterior motives"..."you'll never afford it"..."you're friends are making you do this"..."you'll never find someone who will treat you well"...."you're too good for him"...."gas is too expensive"....and then there's my favorite of "you're impulsive." Ha! No decision of mine....not even where are we going to order pizza....has been impulsive. I research the pros and cons of everything before making a decision---including the best pizza place around (if you're interested in knowing the better pizza places in the greater Nottingham area send me a message....).

So anyway, back to time. Sometimes its my best friend and sometimes I despise it. There are times where it feels like its never going to end, but when I look back on it, years seem like days or weeks and all that turmoil is a distant memory. I'm finding out the good times fly and the bad times drag. And while I'm on the learning curve, I have determined that in order to get to the good times, you gotta let the bad times drag. I just hope all the sacrifice is worth it in the long run. Some of these hours just don't seem worth it.

Editors note: I'm a bad speller of philosophy. Spell checker found 4 errors. :( Never mind, make that 5.