I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

So, maybe everyone was right. Maybe I needed some help. Maybe I needed a boost to get me going in the right direction. But, there were my views that got in the way....I don't need any medicine. Not me. I'm just fine. (I can't even admit that I was wrong to myself!) It is just a phase. A really, really, really, long, evil phase. Or, maybe they were just right.

Like I wrote in my previous post, I was given different medicines to help change my mood around, calm my anxiety, and sleep. When my counselor, Lori, suggested this to me weeks ago, I outright told her, "no." I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to be a "crazy" person. I don't want to be like everyone else in the world and be like a Prozac Nation girl. "Its not going to work on me anyway. They hand that stuff out like candy and then everyone brags about it like its something great," I told Lori and Brian. Lori came back with, "because it is great. It just balances you out and causes such a change in your life you want to tell people you feel better. Especially if you've been feeling bad for so long." Whatever, dude. I'm not that bad. But Brian asked me to try it. If it didn't work, it didn't work, but at least we could say I tried it. Then he teased me with "maybe you'll sleep." How sad is it that he could tease me with sleep like he could with pizza or a diet Pepsi?

I started the medicine a week ago. Apparently, it can take a few weeks to kick in fully but subtle changes can be noticed in the first week or so. I went to sleep Monday night and except for one wake up because I had to pee really bad, I slept through the night. Almost seven hours. I woke up and was ready for my day. Yesterday, for the first time in years, literally, I enjoyed my entire shift at work. I wasn't tired. I joked around. I was a smart ass. I saw a change in my co-workers. They didn't have that look on their face like, "is she nice today?" I approached them and made stupid comments and actually sat for a few hours talking about completely random things covering every topic from "is the Waffle House better than Bob Evans" to "if the Cialis commercial says you can "perform" when you're ready within 12 hours, do you only get one shot (no pun intended) in those 12 hours?" I didn't even care that I had to run calls in the middle of the night and when I got the opportunity to lay down for 3o minutes here and there, I fell asleep quickly (and without medicine). I wasn't up thinking all night and then thinking about how I wasn't able to fall asleep.

I ran a call in the afternoon which came out as a trouble breathing patient. I sat and talked to a guy who was obviously worn out and exhausted, hyperventilating, trying to tell me about how he's had insominia for quite a period of time. So bad, in fact, that he finished an entire 30 day bottle of Ambien in less than 4 days. One night, he took 13 of them in 8 hours. When I asked him why he took so many, he looked at me with big, red, puffy eyes and said, "I'm not trying to hurt myself...just tell me why can't I sleep?!?" as he cried. Literally cried. I run plenty of calls where I tell people I know how you feel and, really, I have no idea. But this guy, I knew how he felt. I was there. And as I finally convinced him that if with all the medicine he took and he was still unable to sleep (and we ruled out any medical issues with taking so much medicine in a short amount of time thanks to Poison Control) he may have deeper issues that needed to be addressed. I talked him into letting us take him to the hospital for a psych eval. He sat there and cried and yelled and just kept saying, "why can't I just go to sleep? I'm not crazy. I just want to sleep!!" It was then, as that guy yelled at me, I realized, I was wrong. The medicine is in fact working for me. I went from being "that guy" for months, hell, maybe even years off and on, to being this girl that enjoyed her day at work. A girl that wasn't trying to hide in the bunkroom for a nap. A girl who realized, last night was the first night in years that she slept (without being sick with the flu or on narcotics for pain) for seven hours and only woke up once because her bladder was about to explode.

Come Thursday, I will have not bitched about how I can't sleep or cried, yelled, or been perpetually miserable, for a complete week. I asked Brian two days ago if he thought the medicine was working and he said it was hard to say because typically I have a few good days and then two bad days. But after sleeping Monday night, a good day at work Tuesday and being extremely productive and not requiring a nap after work today, I think I'm on a roll. I can't remember if it was yesterday morning or this morning but Brian even said I sounded perky. Our typical morning conversations (after work) usually involve me losing my patience, getting frustrated and hanging up on him. Between yesterday and today, we talked probably for a few hours on the phone. The last time that happened was when we first started dating. Actually, maybe even before that. That's how we eventually started dating. We were "vent" friends. I could go to him with my problems and vice versa and get an unbiased opinion about things. He listened to me when I felt no one else could or would. That all led to our friendship and then eventual dating. And I think with the relationship that evolved kind of caused a problem between us. I didn't have a vent person anymore. Who would I go to to vent about he and I or topics that I think he just doesn't want to hear about anymore or I don't want to talk to him about? Quite honestly, there were/are plenty of times where he was my problem.

It's still going to be a few weeks before everything kicks in, but after a week, I think its a safe bet to say: "Everyone (and Lori), I was wrong. I needed the medicine and it does work for me. I'll give myself a few more weeks and I might even turn into one of those people I bitch about who brag about being on their medicine."

And speaking of medicines, I'm a new fan of Allegra D. It rocks! I can breath for the first time in forever (well, out of half my nose :) )