My warning: I'm tired and thinking at work. That said, take what I type with a grain of salt.
The topic of the night: trust. I found out this weekend I have two friends I didn't even really know I had. These are the kind of friends that show up at your door with two 6 packs of ice cold beer in tow when you're having a bad day. They sit and listen to your drama and then give you their input and somehow make it all seem a little better. For the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about talking. I wasn't worried something would be used against me. I wasn't worried how it would be taken. I knew that I could say whatever I needed to say and move on. I knew what I had to say or vent about was going no further than us. I got to tell them things only a very select few (primarily family, Laura and Brian) know about. I found two friends that I actually trust. And I'm excited about that.
Now, on the other hand.....how do you know when that trust has been taken advantage of? We've all told those little white lies, but what about something big? Saying something hurtful or possibly dangerous you swore you wouldn't? Or for that matter, not saying something when you know you should?
Theres all kinds of "trust breaking." I just watched something on News Channel 8 this afternoon about a guy who I think worked at a school --- very respected, everyone loved and trusted him, and then it comes out that he sexually assaulted a 12 year old. Hes the kinda guy that you look at and say, "he would never do that, he'd never hurt anyone, especially a kid," but he did. How do you accept that? I look back at my life and think about some of the trust bonds I've broken. I didn't understand when I was younger why my parents were so mad at me when I got caught at a party I wasn't supposed to be at. Of course, I lied. I told them I wasn't there when they confronted me. But, they knew I was and new I was lying. They had proof. They told me they couldn't trust me to tell the truth. They said if I just told them the truth right off the bat when they confronted me, I would have been in less trouble then if lied and denied. That year I got in trouble for lying, not for being at the party. I was grounded from November until May or June.
I had a friend recently who I thought I very much respected and trusted (and vice versa, of course)--I was wrong. That friend abused that trust between us and then lied when confronted, very much like I did to my parents when I was 15 and at the party I wasn't supposed to be at. This one incident has caused me to look back at our entire friendship and pick it to pieces. Were my deep dark secrets between us not really secrets? How many people know about what we talked about? Were our conversations not as sincere as I thought they were? Was this person telling me what I wanted to hear then talk the opposite when I wasn't around? Were the stories they said they had about me with other people the "whole" story or just the parts I'd want to hear/know of course, to spare my feelings, I'm sure. Let me tell you, I haven't felt hurt like that in a long time. Actually it feels worse than hurt. I felt (I guess still do) naive and stupid and well, disrespected. And I don't even like that word....its way overused. But it sucked---I'm not even sure what sucks more. Being hurt or re-evaluating an entire friendship for its validity. Now I'm left wondering if this incident ruined us. Is our friendship over? Can I ever look at this person the same way again? Is there any chance of gaining that trust back and if so how does that happen? Or, does this turn into one of those friendships that get tossed aside like so many others in our lives? The problem I'm having now in dealing or I guess trying to deal with this issue is that no matter how mad I am, I still deep down value our friendship. I want to go back to how we were, but then I think about the issue that got me all upset and I go back to wanting never to speak to them again. I'm hoping it passes. I wish I could be my parents and "ground" them. Punish them so they learn their lesson, you know?
K, I'm done thinking. I should be a philosopher because I overthink myself to nauseum...ask Brian. I dont know if thats even a word. . :) ha. Anywho, WW this week....well, it was bad then I did pretty well for the weekend. I had a touch of the sick thing going on this weekend, so I didn't overindulge in anything food wise. Maybe I'll do a meeting Tuesday or Wednesday. I pray I finally got to 5lbs!!
Big news though: Im at work and wearing my little girl uniform pants. And they fit and they're comfortable even while sitting. I'm super-duper excited. And my ass looks pretty good in them too. HA.
K, I gotta go on a call :( Somedays I really hate 911.
Tootles!
2 comments:
I thought you looked great the other day. I was going to tell you, but I didn't want to say it in front of people in case it might embarrass you. Once we got outside I was only concerned with my directions to get to Amy's. I was going to email you, but you know I had my hands full...and loving every minute of it.
Wahoo...little girl pants!!! I'm excited for you too.
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