I just don't get it. I find it so easy to fall off this damn wagon. I had such good momentum going then I missed a meeting because of work and snow, got in a bad mood over something stupid and all went to hell. Its a vicious little cycle.
I was humbled back to reality last night. I met my Captain at work to go over my PPA (performance appraisal). I read it over and saw I got "outstanding" and "exceeds satisfactory" for every field until it got to my physical fitness. "Needs improvement." I know it was no real shock, but damn, I need improvement. My Captain is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I don't think he has a mean bone in his body, so its almost painful for him to say bad things. He just looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. I wish I could change it but they (management) are really coming down on these PPAs." He's referring to their accuracy. That means he can't fudge the paperwork and make me 7'8" tall so my weight would be acceptable. He went on to say, "with the needs improvement, you can't get the leave award. I'm really sorry." That means I don't get two free days of annual leave a year. (Not that we get to use them anyway, but I'm sure it equals $$ somewhere down the line.....)
I was embarrassed. I said a lot of "its okay" and "its not your fault, don't be sorry." In our job, joking our way out of things is a good coping mechanism. I made jokes til all the paperwork was signed ending with, "well, hopefully it won't an issue this time next year." With that, I thought we were done. He looked at me and uncomfortably asked, "are you doing anything to lose it?" Huh. "Yeah. I go to Weightwatchers," was my reply. But right after I said it I thought, "that's kinda like going to an AA meeting drunk." I mean if you aren't following the rules, what good is the meeting?
I've been doing quite a bit of self-reflection. I haven't really come up with anything yet. I still pray that one day I'll wake up 60 pounds lighter, but I'm pretty sure I need a different prayer book (and God) for that one to happen. I keep trying to find that "thing" -- that perfect fit -- so I can finally be successful at this challenge but I don't have luck. I buckle down and give myself a few good days and then something happens and I'm back to where I started. Usually in the kitchen eating shit.
I know part of the gain is hormones but Lord knows thats not the bulk of it. Its just an easy and valid excuse. I had someone suggest a nutritionist, but I've never been to one. The one that was suggested to me is supposed to be great but super expensive. Now I've got the thinking of expensive and failure tied together. The nutritionist won't work. I've already talked myself into it. Ugh.
I'm not down and out....just frustrated and baffled. And waiting. If you find that prayer book, let me know.....
2 comments:
Argh...I'm so terribly sorry for this. :( And honestly, I know how you feel. It's SO easy to fall off that wagon, and yet so hard to get back on. BUT, you have a year (right?) to focus on really changing that number and showing "them".
I will say WW is the BEST program I have ever been on. I've never gone to a nutritionist, so I have no advice for that. WW works...and YOU can work it. If you need any help, advice, support, shoulder to cry on, fitness accountability partner, WHATEVER...just say the word :) I need the help myself!
This post really touched me. I know exactly how you feel, I was there at the beginning of this year. Even after losing 114 pounds, there are still days when I struggle.
Just take it one bite, one healthy activity at a time. YOU can do it!
I'll be following along!
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