and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have a horrible (but yummy) addiction to pizza. Honestly, I could eat it everyday, probably for both lunch and supper and maybe a snack in between. It usually has to be floppy pizza with a good sauce. Don't let me kid you, I'll eat crappy stuff too. I can't really recall hating a pizza so much that I refused to eat it. Actually, that's a lie. There's a place in Providence RI that Brian and I went to that it was so bad we walked out of, but we ended up at the pizza place down the street. But anyway, I'm not the only one with an addiction. Caroline and Roni both came clean about their addictions as well. For some reason, that makes me feel better.
In college I started calling myself "Fat Girl." Its actually kind of ironic because that name started long before I ever got fat. Primarily, I hung out with guys and lets face it, guys can eat. We went one for one on beers and shots, so it seemed only natural to go one for one on everything else. We could devour a pizza in no time, cheese steaks and fries went down like nothing and salads didn't exist. There was no such thing as leftovers. The difference is, at that time our competition for eating and drink extended to the basketball court. We played almost everyday. Being one of only two girls that played at the time, I wasn't going to let the guys think I couldn't keep up. I burned a lot of calories. At some point in all of that I called myself "Fat Girl." I think it came about because I joked that I could eat like a fat girl, but I didn't gain weight. That was until I met my now ex-husband. Karma's a bitch.
First off, let me say its not my ex's fault that I became fat girl. Relationships being what they are, when I started dating him I stopped hanging out with my other friends. He wasn't really athletic so my sports and exercising went by the wayside, but I kept up with the eating. We loved to eat. My weight went up gradually, but nothing extreme. Enter my accident and other stressors and the non-ability to control/deal with it, I ate. I don't think my ex has any idea just how much I ate---I'd sneak downstairs in the middle of the night after a bad dream, or stop at a bunch of fast food places....anyway, enter Karma and poof! I was 240 lbs in no time and the "fat girl" I used to joke about.
My foods of choice were Chinese, fries, well, actually anything fried, and pizza. Living in the DC area at the time, pizza and Chinese food were everywhere. Open 24 hours it was like it was calling my name. If the thought of pizza popped in my head, I could have it in 30 minutes or less. On my first go round of WW, pizza wasn't really an option. It was too tempting. Once I hit and stayed at 175 for however ever many years it was, I started back on the pizza regimen. It wasn't horrible, just now and again. But my addiction came back big time after a while. It went from once a week to almost everyday. Its just such a convenient food.
I went to PA for my best friends wedding in August '06. I fit in my dress before I left MD. For the 2 or 3 days before the wedding I did nothing but eat pizza. The pizza up there is a different style then I can get in Baltimore so in my head it made sense to eat as much as I could because once I got back to MD, I wouldn't be able to eat it again. The downfall was the bridesmaid dress didn't agree with that thinking. The day of Laura's wedding, I had to keep pulling down my dress as it rode up my hips. Pathetic.
Even then, it didn't really hit me just how much pizza I ate. All of my partners at work know its in their best interest to keep me fed and a diet Pepsi (preferably fountain with no ice) at my side. If the caffeine level dropped or my tummy started grumbling, evil Sarah was on her way out. I used to be partners with Christy. She only ate one or two times a day and only ate three or four things: Honey Nut Cheerios with with a glass of milk on the side (because plain Cheerios apparently are gross), steak and fries, chicken tenders or potato chips with American cheese. We didn't really indulge in many meals together. But then I was assigned to a partner at work who liked to eat as much as I did. Working with Mike is when "Fat Girl" came back. I ate as much as he did. Mike joked around about everything, so me calling myself Fat Girl was no big deal. No one thought I was "fat" per se, but I knew this Fat Girl was not the same as the Fat Girl in college. This time around I wasn't making fun of fat girls, I was a former fat girl who's still had real issues with food and controlling my weight. But joking around calling myself "Fat Girl" was my cover to making it okay to eat.
At any time of day I could mention any kind of junk food to Mike and he was in. Chinese, lets go. Pizza, no problem. So, it wasn't until Mike started dating his girlfriend that I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I mentioned pizza one day to him for a meal and he said, "OK I'll take you, but I'm going to eat my yogurt." What!? A freaking yogurt?! What happened to the one for one, anytime anywhere? Ugh, it was like he cheated on me. With a yogurt! I couldn't believe it. Month after month I saw him change himself. Its amazing the power his girlfriend had over him. I'm not saying she made him lose weight but it made me realize how much your environment influences you. She ate a little healthier...so now he did too. He started working out, stopped smoking, and the weight fell off. I was so jealous, but at the same time thrilled for him. But I missed the lets eat whatever whenever Mike. Shortly after that, I got transferred to a new station. Things got a little less hectic in my life and I realized I needed to make some changes for the better. Just to feel a little better and little healthier.
That's when I ended up back at WW. I've stopped and started many times over the last 7 months or so. The joke at work was I did WW til about 5pm and then it was all over. But it wasn't til I went to a meeting then didn't go to another until 2 weeks later. In that time I gained something like 4 pounds. I sat back and reviewed those two weeks and knew I had to start journaling my food intake and cutting back on pizza. I ate pizza almost everyday for 2 weeks straight. It kinda made me sick to think of it. So, now I'm back to the what should be a national holiday: Pizza Monday. It started because Jerry's Subs and Pizza sell a large pizza for $5 on Mondays. It was a cheap meal for 2 at work. Having Pizza Monday helps keeps me on track. I can eat "floppy" pizza on Monday's only. The rest of the meals have to be non-pizza every other day of the week. I do have pizza for some lunches during the week but they have to be a lean cuisine or Healthy Choice. No restaurant pizzeria type or I'll overdo it. Roni's blog has a paragraph or so from an article she read saying we eat things because smells and stuff remind us of a happy time. And restaurant floppy pizza takes me to many happy places. That's why I have to steer clear.
You know, it wasn't until I started typing this post that I realized, I don't think I've said "Fat Girls hungry" in a long time. I guess maybe my thinking has changed.
Showing posts with label I'm bored and thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm bored and thinking. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
This might strike a nerve with someone...
Sometimes I wish I had a job or a study---I guess it is probably psych or sociology related--to figure out why people do the things they do. Like why some people have so much pride in their job or whatever it is they do and others are content being total loads. How some people are okay abusing the system while they know others who really deserve it aren't getting whatever "it" is (food, money, housing, health care, etc.) How can you knowingly ask for more when you know you've gotten well more than you already deserve? Isn't there a point or an age where you want to stop asking for handouts? And isn't there a point where you realize everyone is talking s*&t about you?
This isn't an undercover post directed at anyone in particular. I'm just sitting here wondering where I went wrong in a few aspects of my life (that's sarcastic, by the way.) How did I get pride and morals to do the right thing (most of the time) and to do at least the minimum of what I'm expected to do at work. Plenty of others are out there doing diddly and getting paid probably a whole lot more for it. I've run into people who are literally dying and can't get medical supplies because someone else scammed the insurance company. One 40ish year old lady I ran a year ago couldn't manage the pain from her terminal cancer because someone figured out her pain meds were delivered by mail and repeatedly stole them out of her mailbox. On top of that, she had to keep calling us because the insurance company wouldn't give the home health nurse an extra suction unit after hers broke. She had throat cancer and had a tracheostomy. She obviously needed the suction unit to survive. I ran into this woman on a bench outside a Walmart a week before Xmas '06. She was crying and said she remembered me. I didn't recognize her---she lost 100 + pounds in 2 months. I asked how she was doing and she said she was still in pain and people were still stealing her stuff. Instead of being able to suction herself she had to cough up stuff (sorry for the visual), but her biggest issue was she was mad because her 8 year old son had to witness all of it and knew it was only a matter of time til she died. She was afraid he was going to grow up without his mother and eventually "hate the system."
There are people I know who refuse to work. Some came from prominent well to do families, others think they are above it, some just don't want to, while others are perpetual students. There are people out there, like myself, who have had to bust their butts with school, work---sometimes more than one job, nights, weekends, all at one time...in my case whatever I had to do to make sure I had a life and could be responsible for myself. But there are people out there who are 100% okay asking for money/things from whoever....actually, let me clear that up. Its not asking....asking is okay to an extent. Its the thinking that these people (and I'm not saying everyone is one of these "people." I think or at least I hope you know what kind of people I'm talking about) "deserve" or are intitled to certain things---money, health care, etc. when deep down they have to know they don't "deserve" a thing because they haven't made any effort to do anything themselves. And then, the other question is why do we as parents, governments, agencies, etc allow these people to continue? Aren't we/they just as guilty?
Granted, I know there are times that are tough and you have to swallow your pride and ask for help from others. I've had to do it, but I tried my damnedest not to. I've never used it as a crutch. I'm extremely proud to say I own a house and cars and I can do it on my own. I was happy when the time came and I was able to pay my rent and all my bills without my parents help. That pride is more important to me than any materialistic thing out there. As is my job ethic at work. No one else may notice what I do, but I do know no one is saying "shes a load."
I'm sure upbringings and environment have alot to do with how people turn out. Will that 8 year old boy grow up and feel he's "owed" something because his mom got screwed over by multiple agencies/people when he was young? Does he deserve that right? Maybe he does. At 9, I still had my mom. I'm pretty confident at 9, he didn't. I didn't watch my mom try to keep things as normal as possible for me, knowing she was dying a slow painful death. Would he have had another year with her if things went the way they were supposed to (meds, medical supplies, no insurance issues...)?
Some of you reading this may completely disagree with me on some of this. Like I said, this is a very general post---its not intended to bash anyone in particular. I guess overall, in my opinion, you're life should have priorities....food, water, shelter, etc. Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you have and don't always ask for more. There are people out there who would give their left arm to have a quarter of what you've got. I have a townhouse....don't get me wrong...I'd love an old single family house, but its not realistic. And I'm not going to ask someone else for a handout just because I want something bigger or fancier. Do those people who have to have the fancy cars and houses with no furniture because they can't afford them....are they covering up some other insecurity? Those that feel they are "owed" something---do they deserve it? Why are people so afraid to call out these abusers? As far as work...I haven't figured that one out yet. I've tried to be a load for one shift and I can't do it. How do you? And, why do you?
And with that, I'm done. Pray for a quiet night at work. Ha. Sarah made a funny.
This isn't an undercover post directed at anyone in particular. I'm just sitting here wondering where I went wrong in a few aspects of my life (that's sarcastic, by the way.) How did I get pride and morals to do the right thing (most of the time) and to do at least the minimum of what I'm expected to do at work. Plenty of others are out there doing diddly and getting paid probably a whole lot more for it. I've run into people who are literally dying and can't get medical supplies because someone else scammed the insurance company. One 40ish year old lady I ran a year ago couldn't manage the pain from her terminal cancer because someone figured out her pain meds were delivered by mail and repeatedly stole them out of her mailbox. On top of that, she had to keep calling us because the insurance company wouldn't give the home health nurse an extra suction unit after hers broke. She had throat cancer and had a tracheostomy. She obviously needed the suction unit to survive. I ran into this woman on a bench outside a Walmart a week before Xmas '06. She was crying and said she remembered me. I didn't recognize her---she lost 100 + pounds in 2 months. I asked how she was doing and she said she was still in pain and people were still stealing her stuff. Instead of being able to suction herself she had to cough up stuff (sorry for the visual), but her biggest issue was she was mad because her 8 year old son had to witness all of it and knew it was only a matter of time til she died. She was afraid he was going to grow up without his mother and eventually "hate the system."
There are people I know who refuse to work. Some came from prominent well to do families, others think they are above it, some just don't want to, while others are perpetual students. There are people out there, like myself, who have had to bust their butts with school, work---sometimes more than one job, nights, weekends, all at one time...in my case whatever I had to do to make sure I had a life and could be responsible for myself. But there are people out there who are 100% okay asking for money/things from whoever....actually, let me clear that up. Its not asking....asking is okay to an extent. Its the thinking that these people (and I'm not saying everyone is one of these "people." I think or at least I hope you know what kind of people I'm talking about) "deserve" or are intitled to certain things---money, health care, etc. when deep down they have to know they don't "deserve" a thing because they haven't made any effort to do anything themselves. And then, the other question is why do we as parents, governments, agencies, etc allow these people to continue? Aren't we/they just as guilty?
Granted, I know there are times that are tough and you have to swallow your pride and ask for help from others. I've had to do it, but I tried my damnedest not to. I've never used it as a crutch. I'm extremely proud to say I own a house and cars and I can do it on my own. I was happy when the time came and I was able to pay my rent and all my bills without my parents help. That pride is more important to me than any materialistic thing out there. As is my job ethic at work. No one else may notice what I do, but I do know no one is saying "shes a load."
I'm sure upbringings and environment have alot to do with how people turn out. Will that 8 year old boy grow up and feel he's "owed" something because his mom got screwed over by multiple agencies/people when he was young? Does he deserve that right? Maybe he does. At 9, I still had my mom. I'm pretty confident at 9, he didn't. I didn't watch my mom try to keep things as normal as possible for me, knowing she was dying a slow painful death. Would he have had another year with her if things went the way they were supposed to (meds, medical supplies, no insurance issues...)?
Some of you reading this may completely disagree with me on some of this. Like I said, this is a very general post---its not intended to bash anyone in particular. I guess overall, in my opinion, you're life should have priorities....food, water, shelter, etc. Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you have and don't always ask for more. There are people out there who would give their left arm to have a quarter of what you've got. I have a townhouse....don't get me wrong...I'd love an old single family house, but its not realistic. And I'm not going to ask someone else for a handout just because I want something bigger or fancier. Do those people who have to have the fancy cars and houses with no furniture because they can't afford them....are they covering up some other insecurity? Those that feel they are "owed" something---do they deserve it? Why are people so afraid to call out these abusers? As far as work...I haven't figured that one out yet. I've tried to be a load for one shift and I can't do it. How do you? And, why do you?
And with that, I'm done. Pray for a quiet night at work. Ha. Sarah made a funny.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I'm not sure what this is going to be about yet...
First off, WW seems to be going well this week. I've been a good girl and journaled everything I've eaten and made some pretty good choices so far. I don't know that I'll get to weigh in this week though due to schedule conflicts, but I'll try. I know my "big girl" work pants aren't snug, so thats a good sign. Maybe this year I'll make it back in my "little girl" pants.
On to a totally random subject....how do you make friends? Sounds stupid, I'm sure. But being an out of towner, who I guess after 10 years isn't so much an out of towner anymore....but how do you make friends? I have a few really close friends in PA that I grew up with, but being they are in PA (and some in RI), I obviously don't get to see them much. I have one or two from work, but of course they live at least 1 1/2 - 2 hours away from me. So, how do you make friends with people locally? I thought moving in my townhouse would maybe make that happen, but it didn't turn out that way. I'd love to have that person you call just because or the one you meet to have a girls day or the one you call when you need them to watch your kids last minute (who knows, maybe Baxter will need an urgent catsitting). I'd like that. But I'm not a really outgoing person. Nor, am I trusting. That puts a damper on the "start a conversation" process. Hell, I even thought I'd get an online friend thru this blog. Not so much. I told you---totally random subject. :)
I've still got this stupid cold. Just when I think its getting better, it smacks me with a new symptom. Today's is coughing. Not bad, nothing productive. Just enough to be annoying when you try to go to sleep.
Speaking of sleep, its 835am and I feel a perfect time to go take a nap. (I just got off work.) Tootles for now.
On to a totally random subject....how do you make friends? Sounds stupid, I'm sure. But being an out of towner, who I guess after 10 years isn't so much an out of towner anymore....but how do you make friends? I have a few really close friends in PA that I grew up with, but being they are in PA (and some in RI), I obviously don't get to see them much. I have one or two from work, but of course they live at least 1 1/2 - 2 hours away from me. So, how do you make friends with people locally? I thought moving in my townhouse would maybe make that happen, but it didn't turn out that way. I'd love to have that person you call just because or the one you meet to have a girls day or the one you call when you need them to watch your kids last minute (who knows, maybe Baxter will need an urgent catsitting). I'd like that. But I'm not a really outgoing person. Nor, am I trusting. That puts a damper on the "start a conversation" process. Hell, I even thought I'd get an online friend thru this blog. Not so much. I told you---totally random subject. :)
I've still got this stupid cold. Just when I think its getting better, it smacks me with a new symptom. Today's is coughing. Not bad, nothing productive. Just enough to be annoying when you try to go to sleep.
Speaking of sleep, its 835am and I feel a perfect time to go take a nap. (I just got off work.) Tootles for now.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
High school, cont'd....
When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to move away and find new friends that didn't frustrate me or didn't fight about petty stuff. I couldn't wait til the gossiping was over or the "look what she's wearing" or the rumors were history. But the more I live life, I realize life is just one big "high school."
The gossip doesn't change. The rumors get worse. The petty fights get pettier. And as I've encountered, the "I'm not going to talk to you, and I'm not going to tell you why" is still in existence.
My first encounter with this was in 4th grade. After a few weeks, I eventually found out my friend wasn't talking to me because I got new glasses and I guess she was jealous. Almost 18 years later and the same thing is happening. I pretty sure this individual isn't upset over my glasses. I have honestly no idea what the issue is. I can come up with nothing. And to be honest, even though I'm writing about it, I'm not even upset. I told someone there are two different kind of "not talkings"---there's the one where you know you just got busted saying something you shouldn't have said or you just got caught doing something. Then there's the "I can think of nothing" which is where I fall in this scenario. Now, granted, I'm very curious, and I will eventually approach this person face to face. But for now, it amazes me that grown adults will go to extremes of "I don't want to talk/work with her" yet never be man enough to tell me the issue. And worse than that, they continue to be "fake friendly" to my face.
Like I said, its like one big high school.
On a side note, Xmas is in 2 days and I'm not sure I'm ready!! I am leaving work at 11pm tonight and hopefully will get something, I'm not sure what, accomplished tonight. I have a bunch of running around to do tomorrow before we leave for PA. I'm supposed to be making a list of things I need to do and pack. But, I'll I've done so far is type a post. And I've just decided I'm hungry. Any suggestions?
The gossip doesn't change. The rumors get worse. The petty fights get pettier. And as I've encountered, the "I'm not going to talk to you, and I'm not going to tell you why" is still in existence.
My first encounter with this was in 4th grade. After a few weeks, I eventually found out my friend wasn't talking to me because I got new glasses and I guess she was jealous. Almost 18 years later and the same thing is happening. I pretty sure this individual isn't upset over my glasses. I have honestly no idea what the issue is. I can come up with nothing. And to be honest, even though I'm writing about it, I'm not even upset. I told someone there are two different kind of "not talkings"---there's the one where you know you just got busted saying something you shouldn't have said or you just got caught doing something. Then there's the "I can think of nothing" which is where I fall in this scenario. Now, granted, I'm very curious, and I will eventually approach this person face to face. But for now, it amazes me that grown adults will go to extremes of "I don't want to talk/work with her" yet never be man enough to tell me the issue. And worse than that, they continue to be "fake friendly" to my face.
Like I said, its like one big high school.
On a side note, Xmas is in 2 days and I'm not sure I'm ready!! I am leaving work at 11pm tonight and hopefully will get something, I'm not sure what, accomplished tonight. I have a bunch of running around to do tomorrow before we leave for PA. I'm supposed to be making a list of things I need to do and pack. But, I'll I've done so far is type a post. And I've just decided I'm hungry. Any suggestions?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Time.
This one is kinda philosophical. Maybe its not because I've never taken a philosophy class so I'm not sure what is really philosophical talk. But I think this is what they talk about in philosophy classes, so I'm saying this post is slightly philosophical. That and I just typed philosophy or some derivative of that word 4 or 5 times and each time I've spelled it different so I hope the spell check is working on this thing....
Anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about time. Its kinda crazy if you think about it. When I'm at work 24 hours feels like an eternity. A minute couldn't go by any slower if it tried. When I'm in the back of a medic unit treating someone and they aren't getting better those minutes feel like years and we can't get to the hospital any sooner. After I give that patient to the ER staff, I have to write my report. And once everything is timestamped I realize those year long minutes were really a quick 1 1/2 hours.
This weekend I celebrated my 3rd anniversary at work. On one hand, three years has flown by. On the other, I can't imagine spending 17 more here. I try to look back and figure out why it seems those three years have flown by and why I don't look to the future with the same attitude.
Besides work, my life has changed tremendously in three years. With change usually brings stress and following shortly behind stress is that feeling that "its never going to end." I was married when I got hired by the fire department. We were rocky to start with then, but we put on a good front. I had no idea how much my work would add to that rockiness. Throw in some mental stress of a few of the worst calls I've ever run/seen, the stress from selling a house and buying a new one, longer commutes, an eventual separation, lots of family issues, transfers at work, rumors, moving back to MD an eventual divorce....lets just say that two years or so of work was horrible, or so it seemed at the time. (I don't want you to think work itself was bad---I'm just using it as a timestamp. Work and the people there with me was probably the only reason I didn't go nuts.) Each one of those events felt like an eternity. I swore to my friends I'd never come out of it sane. (Maybe I didn't! :) ).
But out of all that bad, came good. I learned a lot about myself. I learned I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Yeah, I still second guess myself way more than I should. I still try to please people that I may never really please, and to be honest, I'm not sure why I stress myself out trying. I've learned people believe what they want to believe, and most of the time its not the truth. When I was learning to be a medic, someone told me, "just make a decision. Right or wrong, make it and stick with it. Chances are you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll immediately know to fix it or never to do it again. " Now granted, that was really geared to treating sick patients, but its really true in life. After living through those two years, I learned I could make decisions about me all by myself. I didn't need to consult someone else or be "told" what I had to do. And with that came a lot of grief. I know people think my decisions may not have been "right" but that's through their eyes. Through my eyes, I can tell you although none were easy, they were right for me.
Reviewing the last year, I can sit here now and say (type) I'm happy. Honestly happy. I have a cute little townhouse which is finally starting to feel like a home, a cost-effective commuter car and a gas guzzling SUV. There's my cat Baxter, who's nickname is Bastard. I really think God or fate brought us together so he could be more of my therapist then my pet. (I pray he never learns to talk or I'm doomed). I date someone with lots of drama and I love him more than I thought I ever could. Its very different then before----I can't even describe it. Sometimes I sit back and say I've got to be crazy. But its working even when it seems like its not, so I have decided to stop second-guessing it and let it go. (See, I told you I had to work on the 2nd guessing....). Speaking of time, I can devote an entire blog about him and time, but I'll spare all of you.
Anyway, I've been told the way my life has played out over the past few years were results of bad, non thought out decisions. "You're going to get hurt"...."you're have ulterior motives"..."you'll never afford it"..."you're friends are making you do this"..."you'll never find someone who will treat you well"...."you're too good for him"...."gas is too expensive"....and then there's my favorite of "you're impulsive." Ha! No decision of mine....not even where are we going to order pizza....has been impulsive. I research the pros and cons of everything before making a decision---including the best pizza place around (if you're interested in knowing the better pizza places in the greater Nottingham area send me a message....).
So anyway, back to time. Sometimes its my best friend and sometimes I despise it. There are times where it feels like its never going to end, but when I look back on it, years seem like days or weeks and all that turmoil is a distant memory. I'm finding out the good times fly and the bad times drag. And while I'm on the learning curve, I have determined that in order to get to the good times, you gotta let the bad times drag. I just hope all the sacrifice is worth it in the long run. Some of these hours just don't seem worth it.
Editors note: I'm a bad speller of philosophy. Spell checker found 4 errors. :( Never mind, make that 5.
Anyway, I've been sitting here thinking about time. Its kinda crazy if you think about it. When I'm at work 24 hours feels like an eternity. A minute couldn't go by any slower if it tried. When I'm in the back of a medic unit treating someone and they aren't getting better those minutes feel like years and we can't get to the hospital any sooner. After I give that patient to the ER staff, I have to write my report. And once everything is timestamped I realize those year long minutes were really a quick 1 1/2 hours.
This weekend I celebrated my 3rd anniversary at work. On one hand, three years has flown by. On the other, I can't imagine spending 17 more here. I try to look back and figure out why it seems those three years have flown by and why I don't look to the future with the same attitude.
Besides work, my life has changed tremendously in three years. With change usually brings stress and following shortly behind stress is that feeling that "its never going to end." I was married when I got hired by the fire department. We were rocky to start with then, but we put on a good front. I had no idea how much my work would add to that rockiness. Throw in some mental stress of a few of the worst calls I've ever run/seen, the stress from selling a house and buying a new one, longer commutes, an eventual separation, lots of family issues, transfers at work, rumors, moving back to MD an eventual divorce....lets just say that two years or so of work was horrible, or so it seemed at the time. (I don't want you to think work itself was bad---I'm just using it as a timestamp. Work and the people there with me was probably the only reason I didn't go nuts.) Each one of those events felt like an eternity. I swore to my friends I'd never come out of it sane. (Maybe I didn't! :) ).
But out of all that bad, came good. I learned a lot about myself. I learned I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Yeah, I still second guess myself way more than I should. I still try to please people that I may never really please, and to be honest, I'm not sure why I stress myself out trying. I've learned people believe what they want to believe, and most of the time its not the truth. When I was learning to be a medic, someone told me, "just make a decision. Right or wrong, make it and stick with it. Chances are you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll immediately know to fix it or never to do it again. " Now granted, that was really geared to treating sick patients, but its really true in life. After living through those two years, I learned I could make decisions about me all by myself. I didn't need to consult someone else or be "told" what I had to do. And with that came a lot of grief. I know people think my decisions may not have been "right" but that's through their eyes. Through my eyes, I can tell you although none were easy, they were right for me.
Reviewing the last year, I can sit here now and say (type) I'm happy. Honestly happy. I have a cute little townhouse which is finally starting to feel like a home, a cost-effective commuter car and a gas guzzling SUV. There's my cat Baxter, who's nickname is Bastard. I really think God or fate brought us together so he could be more of my therapist then my pet. (I pray he never learns to talk or I'm doomed). I date someone with lots of drama and I love him more than I thought I ever could. Its very different then before----I can't even describe it. Sometimes I sit back and say I've got to be crazy. But its working even when it seems like its not, so I have decided to stop second-guessing it and let it go. (See, I told you I had to work on the 2nd guessing....). Speaking of time, I can devote an entire blog about him and time, but I'll spare all of you.
Anyway, I've been told the way my life has played out over the past few years were results of bad, non thought out decisions. "You're going to get hurt"...."you're have ulterior motives"..."you'll never afford it"..."you're friends are making you do this"..."you'll never find someone who will treat you well"...."you're too good for him"...."gas is too expensive"....and then there's my favorite of "you're impulsive." Ha! No decision of mine....not even where are we going to order pizza....has been impulsive. I research the pros and cons of everything before making a decision---including the best pizza place around (if you're interested in knowing the better pizza places in the greater Nottingham area send me a message....).
So anyway, back to time. Sometimes its my best friend and sometimes I despise it. There are times where it feels like its never going to end, but when I look back on it, years seem like days or weeks and all that turmoil is a distant memory. I'm finding out the good times fly and the bad times drag. And while I'm on the learning curve, I have determined that in order to get to the good times, you gotta let the bad times drag. I just hope all the sacrifice is worth it in the long run. Some of these hours just don't seem worth it.
Editors note: I'm a bad speller of philosophy. Spell checker found 4 errors. :( Never mind, make that 5.
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